Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

maybe ask the coworker and her husband over for a drink one night so you can see how they interact. Getting to know her may make her realise that he’s not her husband and she backs off

An excellent idea on the face of it, @Welshmonster, but best not to assume it would make her "back off"

With the one who targeted ny exH, she used the opportunity to suggest - in front of me - that they spend a week together at her holiday flat under the guise of developing a new business idea she'd had, but which had hitherto gone unmentioned

@socialdilemmawhattodo yep - I'm with you on all that - people can be friends but any intelligent woman will pick up a vibe when a friend thing doesn't quite sit right with them and feels more than that - and for me keeping it secret, one on one shopping , cafes and nature walks and tears on teams meetings smack of far too much 'closeness' that isn't just professional - it's not that you can't have friendships, it's that one on one meet-ups and close friendships aren't a great idea if there's also an attraction and they are in other relationships- I'm
Pretty sure plenty on here who have had affairs or been on the receiving end will recognise that this is how many start

THIS.

I would not invite her and her husband round. They’re not going to be inappropriate in front of you and many men actively encourage their wives to be unwitting friends with the ow. All part of the drama and excitement.

You are dealing with a year long secret “friendship”. I would independently verify what the nature of that friendship actually is. Don’t listen to posters like Gannet who pretend they don’t know the difference between appropriate relationships with colleagues and sneaky secret friendships.

Ffs....."i didn't tell you because I knew how you'd react".... ironic how they all think they're so original.

I think that you've handled this well and I hope that he realises just how close to the sun he is flying.

I disagree on one point. Seems to me that he is already having an emotional affair.

I've been that colleague when I was in a really rubbish relationship, it ended my relationship because he played hero.

I work in a very male orientated work place, and, whilst I agree with platonic friendships, I wouldn't dream of going for dinner 1:1 with any one of them. I avoid all Christmas parties because it's male dominated and alcohol.

Keeping it secret is HUGE red flag. If he's nothing to hide you should know all about it. Well before now .

His behavior has changed. In addition to keeping secrets, he has been less affectionate and intimate with you since he’s been rescuing/making memories with her. That speaks volumes, @Lovetoread2024.

He is infatuated and caught up in the feelings/ego boosts engendered by this new relationship … by her weepy declaration and flirty flattery, as well as her lapping up their fun outings and his emotional investment. She is in his head, hence his withdrawal of intimate relations and affection from you.

And yes, the mutual flirting over Teams Chat will ramp up in their in-person interactions at the office and during their cozy outings.

Meant to add: Has anymore been said since you spoke to him earlier?

Thanks I’ve been reading up on Emotional Affairs - this isn’t something I had much knowledge of but since lots of people on this thread have mentioned it I’ve done some research and definitely think that’s what is happening. We’ve not spoken much about it but she messaged him the other day (on her day off) saying “thinking of you” so this is an ongoing thing. I’ve been clear with him what I expect to change so will just have to see if he does or I will need to think what I do next!

What was his response to her text?

He said “missing you on your day off” and then they were chatting about Christmas shopping etc. this was before we had our chat about things but more evidence they are too close for my liking

Remind me…is she single?

Why, who's died?

'Thinking of you'

Strange thing to put.......

Sounds a little bit to me like he's already pre-warned her you're (rightly) on the 'warpath'

Hmm.

Handle with care.

No she’s married with kids as well!! I don’t get how she even has time to spend on him tbh

Sorry yeah I think it was something like “I was just out shopping and was thinking of you…”

He's so far out of of order here op. I hope he can see it, is apologetic and is knocking it off immediately.

"Missing you on your day off"

Err yeah, this is EA territory. I have very close friends, male and female, and they've never said something like that unless they fancy me.

Your DH's response isn't great either. Hope he stops now you've spoken to him about it

My partner had an emotional affair many years ago, even taking phone calls off of them at 10 at night most evenings for a catch up, with me laying beside him, I then and there blackballed that friendship, either that or I would leave. My partners initial response was ‘please don’t ruin this friendship for me’, translation, ‘please don’t ruin my friendship with the cute, younger single colleague who’s into me’, I said it’s them or me, he chose me.

It happened again a few years later with someone else, this time I got the full on ‘script’, luckily the guy was straight (we are a gay male couple) but also moved away. I had a serious talk with how I was treated, in a very good place now 12 years later, but I do know what to look out for, I wouldn’t put up with any of it again. I’d nip it in the bud early or start negotiating our separation if he was determined to proceed.

Definitely get him to sever the friendship, if not start calmly negotiating your exit, don’t be messed around, you are the priority in his life for an emotional relationship, not her, tell him he can be cozy friends with any of the sweaty male nerdy computer geeks if he needs a close friend or a rescue project!

I smell a rat OP
There is absolutely no need 4 them to go to lunches/walks on their own.
If nothing has happened yet, it won't be long b4 it does

That doesn’t sound good. You just don’t message someone else that you’re missing them. Definitely crossing a boundary.

You need to make him fully aware that his ‘platonic friendship’ has gone to far. He may not be aware of the EA concept (many people aren’t) and they think that because nothing physical has happened then it’s okay. If this is the case, explain it’s like a lovesick teenager who’s got a crush on someone.

Be careful he doesn’t go underground with this friendship (changes passwords etc), or play the pick-me game.

I'm so sorry OP, this doesn't sound good at all. And at this stage, I highly doubt he'll be acting on what you've said. He's more likely going to continue and conseal.

To me, this would be huge. The language they're using goes beyond mates. I would personally force an ultimatum. I would contact her, let her know that you don't want any woman to be talking in that way to your husband, and also threaten to tell her husband.

I would also be asking DH to start looking for a new workplace.

Yeah that update makes it sound like the fox is already in the henhouse..

Fully agree that the "missing you" messages are very inappropriate, but OP's had the conversation and this can only go one of two ways: either DH realises the danger and makes adjustments or ignores them and continues - though probably with more secrecy and a side helping of "it was your fault for making difficulties" if found out

Your husband was my ExH. He is now married to her and they have a child.

I don’t know how you stop it, I was unsuccessful. I would just say, prepare yourself for the worse. And remind your DH of his marriage vows.
I’m sorry for you. It’s a horrible feeling.