Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

Are they still working together ?

Yeah still at the same company but different departments- they changed a few months back having been in the same team but they’ve continued to meet up 121, plan lunches and outings together

@Lovetoread2024 Several months?! How gutting to find out that your dh has been secretly meeting another woman for lunch, walks etc. for that long.

Do you know if anything has changed since The Talk? Are you able to access his phone for any messages (but be aware could delete the messages, or list ow as Steve, you wouldn’t see the messages).

Yeah it's been going on for ages without me having any knowledge of it- I am still trying to understand it all really but it's been tough. He's trying to be more open with his phone and as far as I am aware they haven;t been messaging each others phones unless he has been deleting messages straight away- but obviously in work I am not sure. We are trying to plan some stuff to do together and for now I am trying to trust he will act differently and cut her off/completely back away from time with her.

I hope that's how it goes @Lovetoread2024

For me it's been...about two years and we're still in touch. Not anything inappropriate now, but we are still in contact I'd say a couple of times a week.

It's really hard to break away from ; I think often more for the woman, whereas for the man it's just a big wank.

Just be aware, is all.

@Lovetoread2024, I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how things are going.

I’ve just read the thread, hope you’re doing ok OP 💐

Thanks- so things seemed to be going better but still a few concerns.

in general they seemed to have backed off each other but they were messaging over Christmas- this upset me as it was our first proper family time all off together for ages and instead they were messaging back and forth. He said there was nothing to hide and showed me the messages- just gifs and things related to the kids but still upsetting after we spoke about pulling right back.

Also on his teams she said to him “I love how much you like to read and your taste in books”
on its own it’s a bit meaningless but I thought it was a bit much on a work channel!

But as far as I am aware they aren’t having special lunches together or if they’ve had lunch it’s with other colleagues etc

thanks so much for thinking of me

So just wanted to update on this

again we’ve tried to move on but I’ve found it hard to not keep an eye out on what’s happening between them.

he left his laptop in the kitchen and I read an exchange between them- they don’t message as much as they did but when they do message they seem to message a lot and usually about none work related things. He’s been lending books and films to her (without my knowledge) and they discuss them.
he joked about struggling with women when he was younger and she said “with all that charm I don’t believe it!” I thought this was definite flirting.

anyway husband has been going through a lot of family stuff recently- she’s been messaging him asking if hes ok etc but then I saw she’s been suggesting them going for a walk to talk sometime!! I was fuming at this point (last night) and planning to bring it up with hubby again. He’s not said yes but he also hang said no judging by the messages! Can’t believe this is still going on!

I'm truly sorry to hear this, @Lovetoread2024, but am afraid I expected it

To such mentalities mere conversations about a matter, however deep, equal "Thank god I got away with it; I've said the right things and can now carry on"

There's no rush to make decisions, but clearly this isn't going to change, so what do you want to do?

Sorry OP - he needs to cut contact as their boundaries are skewed

I agree with this. This is so disrespectful.

He has really disrespected you, and so has she.

'All that charm' - WTF? She knows exactly how to stroke his ego and he's loving every minute.

Yeah the comment just got me- like it’s such obvious flirting it made me so mad!

This is not a typical platonic workplace friendship. He really needs to cut contact outside of work. I agree with the others. I haven’t read the full thread but if one is senior to the other, that’s a “no” too.

So he has failed to end the EA and is steamrolling over your boundaries.

@Lovetoread2024, they’re still involved and he continues to show wayward behavior [see the survivinginfidelity site]. Despite your serious conversation in November, he has been investing in his connection with OW and energizing the year-long EA that you expected him to shut down. I’m not surprised that he has trashed your agreement and kept the window open to her during Christmas through to the present.

They may have ceased the cozy 1:1 outings [are you sure, though?], but are still fueling their attraction by reaching out at work and messaging. They are continuing the intimacy and ego-massages via their flirty banter and compliments, life chat, jokey gifs, and confiding/rescuing. He got creative and found another secret way for them to connect by lending her books and films to discuss. They may be spending more time together during the work day than he’s admitting [breaks, lunch on site, etc.] to have these conversations. It is telling that he hasn’t turned down her proposal to take a walk. She is clearly under the impression that he’d be up for more alone-time outside of work.

The above interactions are totally unacceptable, as all of them deepen their connection and make a mockery of you and your trust and boundaries. When you confront, do not allow him to manipulate you by downplaying his continued infidelity and disloyalty. He knows what he is doing, hence his sneaky subterfuge regarding the films and books.

@Lovetoread2024, he’s blown his second chance, so it’s time to go nuclear. He needs to experience the sharp consequence of learning what losing you feels like, so send him away while you investigate your options. Actually, after discovering that his long-term affair is still going on, it would be game over for me. Authentic reconciliation is impossible unless he completely cuts contact with OW, but he has already proven that he is not willing to let her go.

Completely agree and this would be a deal breaker for me, quite literally. You had the lengthy discussion, explained in detail your feelings about the EA and the OW, he made promises he has not kept. Now it's time to follow through with consequences for his actions.
Personally I would ask him to leave the marital home. Tell him, firmly, that you know all about his continued interactions, flirtations and conversations with OW, he has broken your trust and you need time to think about what you want to do.
Please also state that if he goes to hers to stay then that means the marriage is over (if it's not already) as that will confirm what you know is going on.
Stand firm on your boundaries hun, he is making a mockery of your whole relationship and the family you have lovingly built.
I'm so sorry hun xx

he joked about struggling with women when he was younger and she said “with all that charm I don’t believe it!” I thought this was definite flirting.

This is flirting on both sides. Re your husband, why on earth is he telling a work colleague he didn't manage to get girlfriends when he was younger? He's doing the whole 'aww shucks, I'm such a bumbling fool, women aren't interested in me' hoping she will take pity on him and give him a compliment. She did. But that was started by him.

This whole situation stinks. People do develop work friendships, but the moment it becomes a secret from partners is when it's crossed an absolute line. So is daily texting out of hours about life stuff. The odd message, sure, but daily messaging shows an intense connection. The whole 'emotional support' thing is a tale as old as time. It's always funny isn't it that he isn't offering emotional support, meeting up secretly, and messaging daily with 60yr old balding Jeff from accounts. She isn't doing all of the above with Angie, the middle aged woman who works a few desks over. It's always with a fairly similar aged, somewhat attractive person.

This is already an emotional affair.

I have plenty of male friends and DH has plenty of female friends, but unless the friendship predates the relationship there's a way to go about things that doesn't jeopardise the marriage. When I make a new male friend, I don't message endlessly and meet up secretly, that gives the impression an affair is on the cards (which clearly it is here). When the opportunity arises I introduced DH or happily welcome meeting their partner if they have one. It's interesting this woman is so close to him but you've never actually met her!

You're far too nice OP. He's carrying on like this and you have the patient and energy to try handhold and guide your husband through how to respect his wife and marriage. And he's flagrantly betraying that. His actions speak very loudly that he either believes nothing he does will cause you to leave him, or he just doesn't care. I reckon one of them would love to leave their marriage if the other would too, but one of them is reluctant to do so at the moment. I would be surprised if they haven't at least kissed on their long dates out to beauty spots and for drinks, shopping and dinner. If he respected you and knew you had the self-respect and esteem to ditch him and he loved and wanted you he wouldn't dream of putting a foot wrong. I'd be offended tbh.

As soon as you found out the stance should have been 'you can choose to carry on with her or choose me and our marriage. If I find out you're speaking to her again, other than via work channels specifically about necessary work, we will separate'

Whilst I would be incensed at his lack of loyalty and be telling him to bugger off I’m also amazed at some women’s complete lack of sisterhood too when it comes to hitting on other people’s partners- your H might like to think on that too -not a very nice character trait -I don’t expect everyone to agree because it seems plenty of women on mumsnet too think ‘tough’ - probably because they’ve been that person.

It never changes does it? So utterly predictable.

Why don't wayward husbands ever want to provide emotional support for, and have lunches with 64 year old Jean on the Reception Desk with the menopause beard, clinical obesity and gammy leg?

Because lunch with Jean wouldn't make his willy tingle and give him that thrill of deceiving his wife.

True. Men really haven't changed much in the last 20,000 years. They're not remotely interested in providing emotional support, not really. Their end goal is to get a shag.

This is not a typical platonic workplace friendship. He really needs to cut contact outside of work

I don't think anyone would disagree, @Teado, but though the "conversation" has already been had and he seemed to take it on board he clearly just doesn't want to do this and realistically there's not much OP can do to make him

Which is why I asked what she wants to do now ...