Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

It's more odd that you've apparently never witnessed men making friends with other men in the workplace. It's a fairly common phenomenon. Many industries are quote famously run by bros bonding with other bros.

For a bit of balance, I've had this same friendship with three men at work and everyone has eventually confessed their love/asked me to take it further, despite being married.

I'm attractive - I don't know if that makes a difference... And I turned the men down and stopped the friendships. But personally knowing what these men were like I wouldn't be thrilled if my DH had a v close friendship with a female colleague like this, so I don't think OP is wrong to draw boundaries.

It can be platonic, but it can also start platonic and progress to non platonic. I think most affairs start out like this

@TakeMeDancing indeed- we work in entertainment industry- my H has to meet attractive women on a frequent basis, artists, managers, agents etc - many of whom I know count as friends and who I know too - In the past 2 weeks he's met people at our Head office, the pub round the corner from head office, coffee place at Paddington station and a venue before soundcheck - not once has it involved shopping, lakeside walks, cinema etc- nor has it involved any texting over and above making arrangements to meet-

Many years ago when he did have an EA ( 2004 era) it involved a lot of texting, a lot of general chit chat that was nothing to do with work and face to face meet ups that were kept secret. He suddenly got very particular too about good clothes and regular grooming and turning his phone over . It's very different from a strictly platonic friendship and if OP feels in her gut something is off-the chances are it is - as you know your Hs habits -

Thanks again everyone- one other thing on their Teams Chat is they were quite flirty at times as well- in one message she said how charming he is- if they are saying this on Teams it makes me wonder what else they’ve said to each other in person!!

@BrunetteHarpy unfortunately you seem to be missing the fact that many mumsnetters have life experience of relationships where Judy his casual friend from HR or a client suddenly ended up being Judy the affair partner -

I appreciate that it's unfortunate it tends to taint your view somewhat of opposite sex workplace friendships and clients, but that's sadly what life does, experience of something awful makes you more wary - I suspect you are lucky and have never been in this position

I’m suggesting merely that it’s perfectly possible for men and women to have uncomplicated work friendships, and that viewing these as inevitable nascent affairs is reductive. I’m suggesting that many posters on here have a very skewed, insecure attitude to all friendships, and quite often struggle with relating to others. I offered my own experience, which has included nearly three decades entirely non-sexual friendships with male colleagues that have involved lunches or getting fresh air offsite at lunch, or a drink after work, just as with women colleagues.

But the OP is the only one who can pronounce on her specific situation, obviously. If DH had had lunch somewhere with a female colleague, I’d just be asking whether the food had been good at X’s.

Yes of course it's perfectly possible but not for those THESE TWO PEOPLE who fancy each other. What's so hard to grasp?

@BrunetteHarpy yep, My H had all that too- as do I - until the one situation/person that clearly wasn't the same- there clearly was stuff going down that wasn't how they normally worked- it may well be OP is in that position and that's why her senses are up- - not all of us are anti male /female friendships- but we are very aware of ones that just feel 'off' -

I do get that. But it’s simply not possible to prevent your spouse having an affair, unless you keep them locked up, or they lead a life in which they literally have no contact at all with anyone of the opposite sexual (or the same sex, if they’re bi or gay). The affairs I’ve known about in the last decade or so among people I know involved

a dad encountering the mum of another teenager at his son’s school, because they were both on a WhatsApp group for kids who needed extra support. I think they first set eyes on one another at a parents’ evening.

a teacher in the local school leaving his wife for their married childminder

a friend who ran a food business with his wife, was offered a three-week teaching stint abroad at a time when the business was haemorrhaging money, fell in love with someone he bumped into in a doorway at the overseas training centre — she didn’t even work there, she was making a delivery.

Just random connections. Deliveries, childminding, children with SN support groups. These things happen.

And it’s happening with OP’s H, which is why she’s trying to nip it in the bud and stop all of his extra-curricular activities with OW.

What we're saying is that there's no evidence that they actually fancy each other. OP has provided some extremely innocuous stuff as "evidence", along with the omnipresent "spidey senses" that are the first recourse of controlling partners, and has responded with some outrageous demands on her husband's professional life that I personally wouldn't stand for a minute.

@BrunetteHarpy yep I get that too- but the vast amount it seems from people's posts on here are colleagues or their ' best friend' getting jiggly with their partner - as colleagues give you way more opportunity day to day - and hence why people are wary when something seems 'out of the norm'

I do agree you can't keep people locked up but i certainly think if you are in a long term relationship and have entangled homes, lives, kids etc you can point out if something is making you feel unhappy and insecure- I know for a fact if I started going shopping one to one with one of our male colleagues or one on one lunches with the same person again and again or walks round beauty spots my H certainly would be asking me what was going on.

That's a fair point, @gannett, and of course I've known countless male friendships in the workplace, but IME they don't tend to involve these little private huddles, tears about missing the friend, secretive lunches just for two and so on

They're also the kind of thing where the friends feel free to mention that they caught up with such-and-such today, but for whatever reason these two ... haven't

This was exactly me and my colleague. That's why it's different, and that's why I know.

If I met a colleague for lunch, it would be to the closest place which served the best / quickest meal. Strange that they are putting so much effort into going to ‘special’ places.

The secrecy would bother me too.
And yep, it’s never 57 year old Sharon in accounts who needs so much emotional support

Sorry you're in this position OP. I'm glad that you've trusted your instincts and made your boundaries clear 👌 Fingers crossed your husband gets his act together now. Still be very vigilant, obviously, but hope for the best he creates distance from her and that this is something you'll be able to put behind you in time.

I hope your husband pays attention to everything you've said to him about this @Lovetoread2024

It's the secrecy, not to mention the flirty messages, which would upset me.

Are you still having sex?

Sex Life has definitely decreased the past 6-9 month- we’ve only had sex a handful of times in that period and he’s been less physically intimate in general

Ask him to arrange a lunch time walk with you if you work near each other or book time out of office to have lunch together.

maybe ask the coworker and her husband over for a drink one night so you can see how they interact. Getting to know her may make her realise that he’s not her husband and she backs off

Just coming on here to talk about Colin, age 50, from Accounts. (I'm an accountant so I KNOW how interesting both Colin and Trevor really are!)

But seriously OP, dreadfully sorry, this is not good. That emotional connection means he is taking time away from your relationship. Highly likely to escalate. A firm word is needed. He "may" not be aware, or highly likely he is conscious of an attraction to his colleague. She definitely playing an emotional card. But he is an adult. So all you can do is flag very strongly in that all reality this is not OK. After all she is not a long standing friend from childhood, uni, prior work. She's the new-ish colleague. Who will have her own network of support. What's mentionitus like?

Yes platonic friendships great, but that's not the same as mentionitus. That is a very different deal.

So friend meet might be: I'm seeing Jenny next Thurs. Be home late. You: great - send her my love (despite the fact you dont really like Jenny, dont mind at all not meeting up).

Whereas mentionitus is much more subtle: We were talking about the DC issue at school. Jenny said she had similar and she's recommended a book. I might look into that. She's recommended a parenting course. I'll look into that. [You unspoken: oh I didnt know Jenny (who is she?) had kids. Parenting course - suggested that several times no interest. Why now?]

I am going to say that I think female friendships with male colleagues are different to male friendships with female colleagues. For many of the reasons given up thread. You (female) might be great at boundaries. I am. I've always had great friendships with male colleagues. Because the messaging from me is that it is friendship only (and also many of them are gay!). I'm not sure the messaging in reverse is quite so clear, and that is the issue here. And the subject of many a thread on this site.

I've worked in professional workplaces for decades. Nearly 40 years in fact. I have never once walked in a local park with a colleague. Yes plenty of pub visits and nightclubs. Even occasional coffee shops/cafes. I do agree with you about perceptions. That can be damaging to women. But then that is good old fashioned misogyny at play.

Yes, but not Colin/Trevor/etc, aged mid 50's, from Accounts, with relationship issues. The "bros" all tend to be much younger, similar backgrounds, start of career, or with major influencing in the industry. Absolutely not the same scenario. I am now starting to wonder if your posting frequency on this thread is in indirect proportion to your intelligence on this matter. That the OP's DH is clearly on the brink of an emotional affair.

Apologies @Lovetoread2024 OP - I've read the thread later than most posters but clearly I felt I had a lot to say.