SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

Asda trifle for example - £3 - serves 4
Buy 4 - £12
Cream £2.30 x 2 -
£16.60 in total

Surely that's not beyond anyone's finances, when you're being picked up, dropped off, drinking all afternoon??

Dessert is the easiest and cheapest

No It wouldn’t, it might make her think and the OP and her poor mum wouldn’t keep being taken advantage of.

Yes I have been vague

Its not vague when you have been sat with the same people for 23 years

YNBU to be annoyed by it. But she is NBU to want to spend her xmasses wither her remaining family.

She seems a bit clueless about catering for big numbers so I as others have said you need to be specific about what you need her to bring.

So what would happen if she's not expressly invited? Would she call and ask or just turn up?
This routine only changes when people move house or pass away or enforce something new like going abroad for Xmas or working a Xmas shift.

We take her and pick her up

I agree with @DatingDunce, @Lanzarotelady.

I am going out for a few hours, I will come back later,

Can't believe she doesn't bring a gift for your mum. Did your MIL provide more food/gifts when she was alive?

@vincettenoir there is other family on her side. And she is a sociable person, so not like she doesn't have friends either

Is trifle the only dessert? And does she bring more wine than she drinks, and/or give a niceish bottle or biscuits to your mum? If no and yes then seems completely normal guest behaviour to me. If yes and no then easy to fix as many pp have said. It’s a nice thing to have a large family around for Christmas, and inevitable that some people will sometimes slightly rub you up the wrong way if you do. Shame to pull the plug on the whole thing over such apparently minor irritations. Hardly a reform voting uncle ranting about immigrants.

Why? My single BIL brings the cheese, wine and multiple puddings every Christmas that we host him. He wouldn't grumble that the low-waged/student-age nieces and nephews aren't paying their way.

Another vote for @coconutpie

I work and socialise heaps but if my family didn’t want me for Christmas and I was single I would be completely alone or in a weird position of being a Christmas orphan at another friend’s family Christmas, if I was lucky enough that they noticed I was alone and invited me.

I had a few “friendsmases” back in my 20s but that was only possible because we were all expats and did a Christmas with the people who weren’t travelling home for Christmas. I think you’re being really weird thinking she could do Christmas Day with non family just because she socialises and has a job.

This post honestly feels fake as it’s such a strange attitude to take. If it’s not fake then I hope you spend some time fostering more generosity of spirit for one day of the year.

Work relationships and casual friendships are very different to managing family relationships. I think she needs expectations explicitly laid out for her.

Well a single man might be asked to bring a few bottles of wine.

To be honest OP, it sounds like a case of this is such a routine thing that everyone is taking it for granted now, it is definitely time for a reset.

The fact that you ask her if she is coming, tell her what to bring and pick her up and drop her off, all makes it clear (in her mind) that you want her to come, it's not surprising that she isn't taking the hint, it's too late this year, but it would be best to tell her exactly what you need her to bring rather than resenting her not bringing what you need.

If this was me, I'd start making noises next year about how difficult your mum is finding it at Christmas now she is getting older, and how you may be considering doing something 'different' this year (keep it vague at that point), and 'would she be okay to make her own plans this year'? Gauge her reaction from that and if she seems open to it, then just don't invite her and do whatever you want.

I feel a bit sorry for your mum to be honest, it's not even that she is inviting her, you and DH have been all these years.

People on their own can seem self-sufficient but at Christmas, all bets are off and it would probably be terrifyingly lonely to be cut off from your only family on that day. I'd bet she'd be devastated to think she wasn't welcome either. The trifle business is annoying but for the sake of peace, you need to just suck it up. Christmas is a total bastard, in my opinion, I've been on all sides of this - can remember how annoyed I used to get having to be the host all the time for my ex-husband's family and how petty that seems now. It's only one flipping day.

When you next speak/call her about pudding - tell her she’s not obligated to come to your mother’s house on Christmas Day if she’d rather do something with friends, but she’s welcome to come.
repeat that every year if she does come.
Then remind her your mum is living on a pension and you are splitting the costs, so she’s needs to bring enough wine to share, nibbles and pudding for 14, which equates to 3 large trifles and 2 big pots of pouring cream and or a tub of Ice cream
you never know she may want to go somewhere else but feels she has to keep the tradition

So the year she brought one single trifle was that the only dessert you had for 14 people?

Fucking hell.

You’re all heart OP.

@VividZebra a 78yo is hosting someone who is not related to her, and seems to have done so for many years, with very little gratitude it would appear on the guest's side. Who would turn up in this situation and not buy the host a gift?

No I haven't I have just assumed that as an adult who knows how many people will be there that she would bring enough for everyone or at least a selection

I don't think you can assume. It sounds like she needs to be told how many people she is catering for. She has been freeloading for the last 23 years, so a dessert for 14 people isn't much to ask for.

We take her and pick her up

Does she not drive?

Unfortunately, this is yet another thread of many I see on mumsnet where people fester with resentment because they will just not communicate properly.

I reckon -

Hello SIL - looking forward to seeing you at Xmas again this year.
We're just reminding everyone, as there's been a bit of confusion over the last couple of years:
If you're supplying part of the meal, please make sure it's enough for the number of people there (roughly 14) plus a bit extra for Christmas cheer
If you've been given gifts by someone in previous years, it's nice and festive to return the favour
[one or two other reminders that don't apply to her so she doesn't feel called out]

I'm going to be out of the majority here, but your mum doesn't invite her for Christmas - you all go to your mum's because it is easier for you and for her. Sister has spent Christmas with her family (her brother, your husband) for 23 years and it has become a habit or tradition (whichever you want to call it). Resenting her for spending Christmas day with her only remaining family is unfair.

The fact that she works, has holidays, or has friends has no relevance to anything. And if she invited all her family and friends to her birthday party, I assume that you went with your husband as "family"?

Apart from that, if what she has brought to the party isn't good enough after 23 years - why haven't you said something about it before now? As in 20 years ago mentioining that "trifle for 10" is what you want?