SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

Finally! Someone gets to the heart of the matter!

Who has additional cream with trifle?

Hang on a minute. Who doesn't?

Of the remaining ten guests, the youngest is aged 17. Do they all just turn up and chow down? Assuming the many adult kids all belong to you and your brother I'm not sure it's fair to put an entire course on a more peripheral, single guest.

I love a bit of extra cream haha

I am not going into the ins and outs of the family, trying to be a little vague!

Working is a bit irrelevant at Christmas. Socialising also is rare on Christmas day (beyond family). Do you think she has other options?

I understand why she comes. Being single at any age never mind when parents are dead can be quite isolating as people are with their kids and grandkids at that time.

I take things quite literally so she might? So rather ask her to bring ONE trifle ask her to bring X amount? She might assume you want her to bring one because you’ve got other desserts arranged.

Seems obvious why she visits and the trifle solution is also obvious, do you have a general problem with her?

Never assume anything.

Your brain knows how to work out...trifle for 14 people =4 trifles.

Many people lack common sense and need everything explained to them.

She's sounding like a CF then.

So she comes with no presents and only brings biscuits /wine as a gift.

I get that she might not want to by for 14 people, but to go to your mums and not get her a present at least is taking the piss.

Can you break the cycle for next year by saying you plan to go out for Xmas day next year as it's getting too much for your mum. Say it will cost X amount and does she want to come?

Yes she has a very good friend who she could socialise with, who is also single and not got family.

Ok I'll assume sexism then. I can't imagine a single man being expected to anticipate, plan and supply dessert for 14 people only one of whom he's directly related to.

I think you should stop inviting her if it is bothering you. I'd hate to be invited by someone who didn't want me there.

I wouldn't leave her out (having to ask friends who have their own families for an invitation at Christmas because your brother says you're not invited anymore would suck), but your husband should perhaps have a word with her about her contribution, i.e. when you bring a dessert please make sure it's big enough for everyone, and it would also be polite to bring a proper gift for your host, not just whatever wine you fancy drinking.

She sounds ungrateful and thoughtless if she doesn’t bring your mum a gift to acknowledge the hosting and hasn’t established some kind of independent Christmas relationship with her (I don’t think not inviting her to the milestone birthday is really a big deal).

Just break the cycle. Hire a house somewhere for next year and go away with a smaller group.

Am I honestly the only person who thinks it's weird that a peripheral in law with no kids is asked to supply an entire course for 14 people, the youngest of whom is 17?

Anyone? Bueller?

Maybe it is sexist to expect a woman who has been a guest for 23 years to anticipate, plan and supply dessert for the people who host her.

I agree it’s a bit weird but difficult to know what the wider family make up is. I think some really good cheese and/or booze would be appropriate.

But she has been coming for 23 years, she know exactly what the family make up is!

I think dessert for 14 is too much to ask of a guest tbh, but I also think the SIL has been stingy not to bring a gift for your mum.

I guess if she'd turned up with a single trifle every year but also a bottle of wine and chocolates for your mum you probably wouldn't be feeling so irritated by the trifle.

Is she profuse in her thanks?

Do you think there is the chance that she actually doesn't really want to come but feels obliged because it's what has been done for so many years?

Is there a way of phrasing the invite in a more optional way? Or just scaling the while thing back and offering her to come for all or part of the day?

I would wait until we were all sat round the table and say “you’re turn to host next year Joan” hopefully she will make other arrangements to get out of it.

That would be incredibly bitchy.

I mean you’ve been vague about who the 14 people are.

Sorry OP but this does really seem like a situation of your own making that you now just want to have a moan about (fair enough) but without actually doing anything about - instead just hoping someone else will magically realise and change it for you.

Yes, she seems a bit self absorbed but also this is a scenario that has been allowed to carry on every year for 2 decades. At no point is she going to magically up and change it on a whim.

If you want to change arrangements so that she doesn't attend for Xmas you need to give her plenty of warning, just because of the long standing habit you've formed. Towards the start of 2025 (for eg) explain you are going to do Xmas a bit different this year and you wanted to give her plenty of notice to make other plans.

If you want her to contribute more then tell her. Yes, it would be lovely if she had some magical moment of realisation and did it herself but it'd also be lovely to win the lottery and both have equal chance. Tell her to bring enough dessert for everyone and then leave her to it.

Is she staying over or does she live locally?

and is she making the famous trifle or is it store bought?