SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

Surely one thing all 14 guests can provide is their own booze? Wine for 14 is a ludicrous request, if that's what you're suggesting here. Nibbles could be supplied by the older adult kids. This is a random in law!

indeed. If it was a dinner party, i'd assume trifle was THE ONLY pudding for everyone. So take enough for 14.

But as a pudding after xmas dinner? i'd assume there was xmas pud and trifle was just an option for something different. Not that all 14 of us would have triffle for xmas pudding.

I think YABU as realistically your Mum isn't hosting. You're going to your Mums to help her as she doesn't want to / can't travel but that doesn't mean your Mum is hosting. I also think YABU to expect her to bring dessert for 14 people when there are lots of other adults.

I think if she’s asked to bring three trifles, she’s definitely getting the short straw! The refrigeration and transport issues are giving me a headache alone (and now I’m thinking about whisking all those eggs and making sure the custard doesn’t split) 😂

I remember balancing one trifle on my knees in the car as a kid, that was stressful enough. And that was in the good ol’ days of Birds trifle with Dream Topping and sprinkles.

If there are 14 people attending, I do agree it’s a tad Cinderella to ask the “outsider” to provide dessert all round. Hardly a fair division of contribution.

Also, I think it’s lovely that she wants to be with family. All very well working but no way in hell would I want Christmas Day with work colleagues.

Of course this also relies on her having a car to get to the food to the mums.

when my sister hosted i sent her an M&S £100 gift card to cover my contribution, rather than me try to bring things up on the train.

If I was asked to bring trifle I would buy them, which would be a much cheaper option than being the person who provides the meat.

But if you know there are going to be approx 14 people there, wouldn’t you be checking on the quantity you need to provide.

For those saying the DM isn’t hosting. Even if everybody brought food and took over the kitchen I would still feel stressed out having 14 extra people in my house and want it to look extra special

Actually you can put it into words and you have. Short message: Hi SIL if you are coming please bring X for Xmas Day, make sure there’s enough for all 14 of us. Short conversation, probably not on Xmas Day. “SIL I need a chat with you about Mum, she’s hosted you all these years for Xmas and I think she’s been a good friend to you in her own right. I felt a bit upset you didn’t include her in your birthday celebration. I just think you should you have counted her in as one of your friends and family.”

SIL doesn't sound like a nice person though. She doesn't bring a gift for OP's mum for hosting her every year and she didn't invite OP's mum to her birthday event where she invited all her family and friends.

I think if she’s asked to bring three trifles, she’s definitely getting the short straw! The refrigeration and transport issues are giving me a headache alone (and now I’m thinking about whisking all those eggs and making sure the custard doesn’t split)

The expectation seems to be supermarket trifle though. Homemade trifle for 14 is a lot. I’d do two.

If trifle is one of a few dessert options, then fine to bring but the OP has been a bit unclear about their Christmas traditions. It doesn’t sound like SIL is a natural cook/baker. Personally, if I was being hosted for Christmas I’d delight in planning and making it myself, checking that what I planned was acceptable to the majority.

This.

I would never see a half-decent family member spend Christmas Day on their own, and please don't think that having plenty of friends means she gets lots of other Christmas Day options, it just doesn't work like that.

But please spell it out that 'trifle' means 'trifle for 14.'

The lack of a gift to thank your mum for hosting her and not inviting your mum to her birthday do would really annoy me too. She obviously takes your mum's hospitality for granted.

If it it your mum's house, it is your mum's call. Your mum is probably a better person than me, but if I'd hosted someone for Chistmas for decades who then didn't invite me to a significant social thing, I'd not be inviting them again.

Seriously, did no-one mention to SIL what a terrible mistake she was making there?
Typonedits.

I find this an odd attitude.

I absolutely get feeling miffed that she is a bit stingy and non-reciprocal in terms of presents and food, but I don't think that's the greatest offence in the world. It could be sorted out with a conversation or message. I don't feel it warrants this resentment, really, nor the desire for her to start doing something different.

Also why on earth would her having a full time job and having friends mean she has other options at Christmas? It's pretty unusual (although perfectly fine, of course) for adults to spend Christmas with other adults. Almost everyone spends it with family, or whatever family means to them. I also wouldn't be thinking of my work colleagues when contemplating Christmas plans.

She's spending Christmas with her family, like she's done for 23 years. Yes, she's committing a faux pas by not contributing more but that's easily addressed. People fall into habits, like it or not, and she's clearly fallen into a sense of complacency re her contribution or lack of. I just don't think it's a huge deal, it's an awkward trait in a family member; we've all got them, surely Christmas is the one time of year where (barring abuse and other really horrible situations) all family is welcome, no matter their flaws?

I think this is a bit harsh. She’s 1 person out of 14 - she doesn’t need to bring pudding to feed everyone; just a contribution, surely? Otherwise, assuming all adults are contributing, you’ll end up with far too much. We have 4 or 5 desserts at Christmas (similar number of guests) contributed by different guests - we wouldn’t expect one single guest to do it all.

But she should bring your mum (and you) a decent Christmas gift.

This is all assuming she’s not obnoxious in any way.

I think this is a bit harsh. She’s 1 person out of 14 - she doesn’t need to bring pudding to feed everyone; just a contribution, surely? Otherwise, assuming all adults are contributing, you’ll end up with far too much.

She is the only one contributing the pudding. and she has been freeloading for the last 23 years. It's time for her to step up.

Some ppl - ND or not - are literal. She may be tight and banking on routine politeness, or she may have been asked to bring a trifle - so she has bought a trifle. If she was told to bring 2 or 3, no doubt she would have. Some ppl are just oblivious. They don’t think things through logically bc if they are 60 amd still single, they probably are not used to thinking outside of themselves. If she’s single at 60 and been used to joining onto wider groups she may be in the routine of other ppl providing the main stuff and hosting and she’s on the periphery as it were. I’m not saying it’s right, it’s not considerate, but it may be a case of being totally self-unaware

Persistent tight-waddedness gets very, very galling when it goes on decade after decade.

At 60 you shouldn't need to be told. But some people just take the piss.

OP, you need to say something. I know it can be hard, because the first few years you let it slide, thinking, 'SURELY she will notice...?' and after that it becomes very awkward.

Be specific about what she needs to bring. Mention that your mother would love some bulbs in a bowl ready to flower, or a bottle of sherry to neck down in the aftermath and see if she gets the hint.

After she has accepted the invite:
'Dear SIL, It will be lovely to see you again. As we normally do DH and I are supplying the meat, and my brother is being very generous and bringing all the wine and cheese again - it must cost him a fortune! DC3 has offered to bring the crackers which is really kind given her only income is the odd babysit.
It would be great if you could bring a trifle - we have a lot of big appetites to cater to now that the DC are so much bigger so could make sure that there will be enough to go round? Also cream - we ran a bit short last year. Thank you so much!
I noticed last year that Mum found hosting very tiring. I know she'd appreciate and acknowledgement of how much effort she puts in. Once Christmas is over she always says how much she looks forward to spring, so a pot of indoor bulbs would go down really well.'

And if that doesn't work, you have Words in the NY.

ETA, if she is ND that probably won't offend her (one of my friends is ND and I can literally say, Right, time to chuck you out now! and she is never offended). And it's not as if she can't afford it. Being generous, she's never hosted Christmas and has no idea what it costs. Being mean, she is just a tightwad. The world is full of them, sadly.

It's once a year. Just tell her specifically how much to bring.

Dear SIL, it’s your turn this year. We will bring biscuits.

To me, it sounds like OP is upset about the way that her SIL treats OP's mum. She doesn't bring her a gift for hosting or even a Christmas present and when she had an event to celebrate her birthday, she invited all her other family and friends but didn't invite OP's mum. It feels like OP's mum is family when SIL wants to join them for Christmas, but not when SIL is hosting an event.

That would really annoy me and would make me feel very protective of my mum.

So maybe neither of them are nice people 🤷

Is she the only one contributing to the pudding though?! For 23 years 14 people have shared a single trifle. Hmmm

Why don't you just ask more people to bring more trifles and biscuits?

I would ask your DH to tell her she needs to bring a gift for your mum though.

@NuffSaidSam the DM is nice having someone not related to her coming for Christmas

Haven't read the full thread but we have a similar family member who works, has friends etc but never married and spends Christmas with us.
She has autism so if you told her to bring a trifle and biscuits she would do just that, it would never cross her mind that its not enough to go round. She is a kind and generous person but instructions to her are very black and white, you have to be very explicit otherwise you get the most simplified version in her offering.