SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending Christmas on your own. But some people would absolutely hate it and feel very lonely indeed.

I think most people would ensure that a family member they're on reasonable terms with would have someone to share Christmas with, when it's no big imposition for them to join an already big group.

I am supplying the meat, my mum is supplying the veg, my brother the starter etc, I am sorry but I don't think asking someone to supply the desserts is a big ask, shall I supply them on top of the meat, or my mum who is already hosting and doing the veg and a turkey?

Usually the hosts supply everything, and the guests bring a gift for the host.

Perfectly reasonable and sensible to take an "everyone pitches in" approach, but your SIL may simply not realise that's the expectation. Especially since she's the furthest removed. Just spell it out.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

You asked her to bring a trifle. So she did. If you asked me to bring a trifle I would also bring one trifle even if I knew you had 14 guests because I would assume that other guests were bringing something or that the dessert was going to be a trifle and a cake and something else and people could pick what they wanted. I wouldn't turn up with 3 trifles if you said a trifle.

If you want her to bring enough trifle for 14 people then you need to say "We've got 14 guests coming so we'll need 2 trifles and 3 pots of cream. Would you be able to bring those please?" And you might even need to clarify the size of trifle or remind her to check how many servings the trifle is.

I think it was off of her not to invite your Mum to the birthday meal.

However, just because she has a wide circle of friends and nieces doesn't mean it's easy to find someone to spend Christmas with. Most people spend Christmas with their famillies, not with friends. Just be clearer about what she has to bring and maybe it might irritate you less.

I do get her a present, ie wine and a candle etc as everyone else is getting a present and I would have for her to be left out.

She doesn't buy for my mum.

She will bring wine/biscuits etc, but even my mum commented recently about it being very one sided.

Who is having cream with trifle?

If I were your SIL, I'd assume that your DM considers her part of the family after having spent the last 23 years' Christmas with her.

As such, I'd be bringing a gift for each member of the family, wine to share, soft drinks to share, a trifle too. And I'd be asking to make sure a trifle was enough and would more desserts be welcome?

If I were only asked to bring a trifle, I'd assume that that's all that was required because cousin June loves to make the Christmas pudding and Jeff always makes a mean chocolate log, Alan who works at Waitrose always brings a fabulous cheesecake. If no one tells her that they only turn up with these offerings because she's notoriously stingy with her trifle, then how is she to know?

I think she's rude not to return the invite when she has a special occasion. But I also think its unfair to criticise her for something that's been tradition for the past 23 years. And that's she's only now unwelcome because her DM has died.

Perhaps you confide in her that you're getting concerned that hosting a large get together is becoming too much for your mum. Ask her if she could perhaps chip in more with what she brings and helping to make the event less stressful for mum by helping with the washing up, taking a bag of recycling home with her, taking over the tea round after lunch etc.

How lovely that your husband and his sister still spend Christmas with each other, their only remianing family, even after their parents have died.

How lovely of you and your family to support this. What a generous and lovely tradition you have offered.

Or it would be if you didn't bitch about it.

Do the nice thing with good grace or ditch her for not providing enough trifle and feel good about being so assertive. Make up your mind.

(for what it's worth I'd presume my trifle offering was part of a dessert selection and only bring one bowl. I'd need it specifying I was expected to provide dessert for all 14 people.)

Just to be clear... are you saying that routinely she is the only person who brings any dessert and then because she brings so little, there isn't enough dessert & you always end up with several people looking glum?

I hate food waste & I would be reluctant to bring something that mostly ends up in the bin.

So I imagine from your story that everyone brings excessive amounts, including lots of dessert items, even her small trifle ends up mostly uneaten (& thus in the bin). Because there's so much else food (lots of which also ends up in the bin).

Just say how wrong I am?

ps: if you want 2 large trifles & 3 bottles of wine for sharing, then tell her 2 large trifles & 3 bottles, you can even specify exactly which supermarket & grams/sizes for the trifle. I'd be grateful to have someone else make the decisions for me.

I do get that I am as much to blame for allowing this situation to continue for as long as it has

I think next year I am going to work Christmas day and go away for new year, problem solved

Pardon me for being human

You are going to work Christmas day because your SIL always accepts your invite and doesn't bring enough trifle?

Nose. Spite, Face.

I can't believe she doesn't buy a Christmas present for your mum, when your mum is hosting her for Christmas. Absolutely shocking behaviour.

Your SIL is also human

I work in an environment that requires staff 24/7

So not the only reason

But read it like that if you want to

Agree. OP - this is so childish. Just be honest with her - if you dont want this tradition anymore, then tell her, you are being a martyr and dont want to 'look' bad because it looks like you dont think your husbands sister is part of your 'family'.

Give her a list in plenty of time. Just message her and say dear SIL we are planning Xmas day and what we all need to bring. Would it be possible for you to bring two large trifles, two tubs of single cream, three packets of mince pies, a bottle of red and a bottle of white. Thank you so much, looking forward to seeing you.

Yes I get that and that is why I am not uninviting her
I wouldn't see her on her own

It is human to find other people irritating.

If this is just a my SIL gets on my nerves, I moan to DH but put up with her thread then: welcome to the world, not thread worthy.

I don’t know. Christmas is time for family and your DH and her nieces are the only family she has left. Not unreasonable of her to want to spend it with them and it’s not her fault that her brother goes to his in-laws every year so she has no option but to tag along.

She does seem like a bad guest, with the trifle and everything, but it think it’s a bit mean to think she shouldn’t be there.

You'd rather do this than just ask her to bring more trifle?

As I suspected. You just don't want to have her there and you don't consider her part of your family (even though she's your husband's sister). The trifle isn't the point.

OP fair enough to have a moan.

She could definitely do more to contribute and sounds like she takes your offer for granted.

But take heart that you are doing a good thing.

"Dear SIL, it's getting too expensive for my mum to keep hosting everyone, so we're all going to have to bring more things on Christmas Day. I've divvied everything up and if you're happy with desserts, please can you bring enough trifle for 14 and a couple of bottles of wine? Also, I hate to say it but it would be really nice if you bought her a little gift for hosting. She's been really generous to everyone for all these years and a gift would be a nice way of thanking her for that. She really likes XYZ if you need any ideas."

I was going to say "She's the only one who's retired so is on a lower income" but thought your SIL will be retired soon and will remember that!

Good idea to be more prescriptive in what you need for desserts but it would grate on me more that she doesn't think to bring the host a gift. I certainly wouldn't give her a gift if its not reciprocated. Maybe do a secret Santa where you all know who you are buying for - then at least everyone buys a gift and receives one??

OP, your mum could easily live for another 20 years so you really could be stuck with this situation for a long time. I think you need to make the break next year (too late for this year). Book a restaurant for Christmas Day, somewhere comfortable and accessible for you mum. Pick your mum up or send a taxi for her and ask SIL to drive or get a taxi there. That way she'll be forced to stump up for the cost of the meal, so she can't be so bloody stingy. It will also signal to her that things are changing.