SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

I think it's sad that you are planning to work on Christmas to solve this. Your poor mum has to not see you at Christmas in order to not have her cheapo relative-by-marriage coming over and annoying her at her Christmas dinner. I don't know, I feel like you can find a better solution? Can your DH talk to his sister and tell her, Maria, there are 14 people at Betty's house for Christmas but you bring one trifle that feeds 8. I would appreciate it if you could make a bigger trifle or get a second dessert so there's enough for everyone.

His sister will probably complain, there might be some, "You people just see me as a money tree," and your dh just has to be very honest and say, look, you're not actually related to these people and they have included you at Christmas for decades, but it's a lot for Betty and she's finding it quite tiring to do so much to make a nice dinner for so many people. I would really appreciate it if you could help out a little more with making it a nice event and taking some of the burden off of Betty, but if you prefer to celebrate with your friends instead, I'll completely understand.

And because she doesn't treat OP's mum very nicely, accepting her hospitality year after year, not even buying her a Christmas present and then leaving her out of her own event to celebrate her birthday.

I have a SIL like this, so I feel your pain. Mine is 53 and single, but HAS to be included in any family Christmas arrangements. I can't understand what (a) she can't get an invite to see friends, or (b) take herself off somewhere, which is what I would do if I was on my own at Christmas. She literally has to go wherever her 80 year old parents go, which means we can't invite DHs parents to us, as she has to come as part of the package.

Sorry but what the hell. You begrudge her wanting to spend Christmas with her 80 year old parents!!??? Jesus Christ 🙈

Mate, it's her mum and dad.

Absolutely!

The OP not so much.

The SIL, I'm on the fence as we only have the OP's description of her contribution.

Good grief.

"You can't disinvite her..."

Why not? It isn't even at the OP's house, it is at the OP's mum's house, and every year the SIL has conveniently forgotten to even buy the OP's mum a Christmas present. And now SIL hasn't even bothered to reciprocate and invite her to her own special occasion party.

If I were OP's mum I'd be a bit pissed off by now.

Yes, but why does she need to come as part of a package at the age of 54? I can understand as a child, but at that age??

I don't really think so. I offered to bring dessert for 12 people when I was in my early 20s going to my now husbands parents house. I've also bought the cheese. I was probably earning less than this lady.

I think I bought a cheesecake, tart and a Christmas cake, and someone made a trifle. My now husband also bought the turkey. The hosts still spend a lot catering for all those people.

The main question for me is, what about people who don't like trifle?

This makes me a bit sad. I'm single and turning 40 next year. Every other Christmas I'm on my own because of child custody arrangements (this also includes my birthday which is within days of Christmas Day). Last year was the first time one of my brothers invited me to spend the day with them and I've been divorced for ten years. I cried because normally my non child Christmases are spent on my own watching tv with a good store of food 'treats' that don't take much effort to cook. I don't mind this too much, I have my 'proper' Christmas when my kids come back but it was the fact that one of my family finally remembered me and thought to include me. I don't have any local friends I could 'piggyback' onto their Christmas Day and it would feel awkward to ask as well as highlight my loneliness and the fact that family haven't bothered. Christmas, whether we like it or not, is a big 'family' time be that chosen or biological and asking friends to come along and join in theirs is easier said than done.

Now, the meanness of food supply, yes I can understand that's irritating. I would have assumed if I were asked to bring 'a' trifle that there were going to be lots of pudding options and this would be one of them so I'm afraid I would be someone who needs specific instructions on quantity, grown adult woman and all! But equally I would probably have asked follow up questions to make sure on that point. And obviously presents for all and a host present for OP's mum. So that is irritating. But the fact of sil being there....your DH is her family. You are her family. It can mean a lot at Christmas.

No. I begrudge the fact that her parents cannot do anything or go anywhere without her being factored in. For example, they would quite happily go away themselves, but they can't, because they don't want to leave her on her own.

Or, I can't invite DH's parents to us without her - and yes, I hate her for a number of reasons, so I will not have her in my house.

I think most people wouldn't be impressed if they had no option to see their parents alone without an adult tagging along unnecessarily.

So you weren't a peripheral then, you were the future dil of the hosts. None of the young adults are being asked to bring anything, if the youngest is 17 they can't all be students. There are ten guests unmentioned by OP who apparently need their pudding supplied by a non relative.

And yes I have got work to do but this is distracting me nicely and I've become a tad invested in who is feeding these 14 guests 😂

Not sure how that would be showing the consideration for your mum that you say is lacking in your sister in law… You’d be happy for your elderly mum to spend the day alone so you didn’t have to see SIL. Doesn’t sound great to me.

Perhaps suggest to your sister in law, just in a conversation, "Now mum and dad are getting older I think we really need to step up and take more food/drink over to theirs for Christmas. They would never suggest it but it would be a help. I can tell mum that we've thought of this and ask what they would like us to bring".

i'm sure she'll be happy with that.

I can see why you and your mum are irritated and I find it a little odd that SIL treats your family as if they are her family. I must say your mum has been very generous up to this point.
If she were coming to your house for the day then I’d tell your DH to sort her out with the correct info about what she should kindly bring please. It’s inappropriate for your mum to have to set her straight so I’d still give that task to him.

OP, I can’t work out whether you enjoy her company or not. Maybe you have gone past that stage now after 23 years and waiting for her to make alternative arrangements.

Why not ask your DH to have a chat about it with her. I mean, how do you know that she isn’t secretly longing to go somewhere else for the day but wouldn’t dream of letting you all down. Surely SIL herself fancies a change from the same old routine.

Edit: quoted the wrong post.

@BarnacleNora as an only child I would be delighted to have a sister to invite to Christmas. Please know that not everyone is like the OP and some of the posters on here. To me Christmas is for family and the more the merrier, unless there has been a falling out then everyone should be included. Definitely reach out to your brother next Christmas (assuming this Christmas is the one you get with the kids) and make it a tradition moving forward and don’t let this post put you off! Maybe take ample trifle though 😂

I can imagine the complaint post about that too though “SIL brings so much trifle that it takes over the meal and takes all the attention away from my Christmas pudding which is meant to be the centrepiece, should I go NC?”

Surely it hasn't been 23 years of one triffle portion each between 14 and everyone with a miniscule piece? Surely other desserts were available?

I'd also think i should pay 1/14th of the overall cost? providing many dessert options and cheese would cost more than 1/14th or so? to be transactional about it.

I completely agree. The OP seems to hold the view that just because a single person socialises and goes to work they should have options up their sleeve for Christmas Day. That suggests a complete lack of understanding of a single person’s life.

I am single and have three different groups of close friends but they wouldn’t think to invite me to their Christmas Day. I certainly wouldn’t invite myself! My friends would expect me to be spending it with my family. The fact SIL has been spending it with family for the last 23 years would suggest she holds a similar view.

If you don’t want her there then you need to be clear but I think it’s very mean. The idea that a single person can / should be making some other arrangement just because they’re sociable and go to work shows a complete lack of compassion.

😂

Just bloody tell her!

'We've noticed that my Mum is getting left with a lot of the Christmas work/costs as its at her house, so we're making an effort the year to ensure that doesn't happen.

Can you ensure you bring enough trifle/dessert for 14 people (suggest 4 x trifle, 2 x pots of cream 2 x big tubs of biscuits) and a gift for Mum please (she likes xyz)...

If she is offended, she won't come. Winner.

If she isn't offended, hopefully she will cough up her share fairly. Winner.

If she is neither offended nor contributes fairly, then you can be pretty blunt with her that she isn't invited next time as it will be clear then that this is not thoughtlessness but outright rudery.

Kind of, but I was still buying desserts for my future neices and nephews by marriage, and assuming OP has children they're her SIL's bio neices/nephews, so it's not that different.

It's only about £25 it's not a huge deal. It was mostly to be polite and so their fridge wasn't absolutely rammed full in the run up.