Who's in the wrong ? Big fight with H

[bluba]

I called him today as I yet again had bad feedback from nursery regarding my youngest.

It keeps happening and it's upsetting and stressful. My H thinks I don't ' handle ' people properly and should ' put them in their place '. Letting them know that our child is only young and just needs a cuddle and that it's normal kids act up and they should ' just deal with it' .

I disagree with this exact approach and like to hear out the nursery workers to get an understanding of what's going on. Anyway today, they gave bad feedback about aggressive behaviour and I didn't really have time to chat for too long or delve into it. I listened to the complaint and kind of went ' oh no ' ' ok ', I'll chat to my child at home. I was rushed off my feet and needed to get going to get my other child. Plus, some other parents were there and I wasn't in a mood to have this chat in front of them. My plan is to ask for an actual meeting ( away from pick up and drop off times, as you can't really talk properly ).

Anyway, H kept asking why I didn't discuss it further. He literally asked me, not kidding 8 times on the phone why I didn't ' put them in their place '. I said I didn't have time delve and needed to go. ' but why didn't you ? ' ' why do you always let them get away with stuff '... etc etc. in the end I shouted and hung up the phone and told him F off. I know. I'm not proud. I just lost it.

Then when he came home, we talked about it again and he asked me again why didn't I tell them that our child is really young etc and I again got mad and said to F off ( I think ). He then lost it and said I'm the reason my child is aggressive.

Our kids were watching TV in the other room so didn't hear us swearing but came in once they heard us shouting at each other and told us to stop shouting. We did and we apologised to them for getting angry with each other and explained how sometimes people fight but they talk about things and make up again.

I know, neither of us is coming off particularly well here. I've been really calm lately in general. I've not shouted or got angry in the last six months but I have been known to occasionally get angry at my husband because he just does not hear me sometimes, like today. I've really worked on it and I don't think it's fair to blame me on my child's issues at nursery at the moment.

I think what he said was extremely hurtful and way worse than what I said to him. I just don't feel like he hears me.

Anyway, I'm sure most responses will just say we are both idiots.

He sounds like an abusive twat and your younger one is copying him.

I'm getting sense you phoned him to commiserate and not really wanting advice. Then he basically tried to fix the situation and you got annoyed because it doesn't need a heavy hand or people being put in their place or being talked to like a toddler youself - he was not offering constructive help.

he was also blaming me for not handling it properly. He was repeatedly asking why I didn't do what he thought I should have done.

He asked you to put the nursery workers in their place??

Why doesn’t he be a parent and figure out why his child is behaving aggressively…parenting is normally a parents job.

Why did you phone him?

Suggest nursery can call him and he can deal with it.

Baby is mimicking his behaviour, he’s an arse who doesn’t understand how to connect with children. Get out while you can.

What was he doing when you rang him? How did you not have time to talk to nursery but managed to to DH and have time to have an argument all before bedtime of a nursery aged child?

To discuss their child I'd guess

It's also not the first time he's said that the unfavourable behaviour from our kids is my fault.

He's said it quite a few times. ' look at yourself ' why do you think he/ she is like this or that or does this or that. It's because of you.

I called him from the car, while I was on the way to pick up my other kid.

It is strange that he thinks that the way to handle this is by putting the staff in their place.

He's twat. Does he not realise that the nursery worker will have a better idea of him on what is normal child behaviour? If he starts 'putting them in their place' you'll be lucky if you aren't asked to take your child elsewhere surely!

apparently they're idiots and don't know what they're talking about and I should not lean into what they're saying so much apparently.

You are right in that there is no need to "put people in their place" I too would have told him to fuck off.
My dh has a bad habit of telling me what I should be saying when i'm on the phone dealing with complaints or whatever, at no point does he ever offer to call these people and deal with stuff. You can imagine the hand signals he gets

What @PTSDBarbiegirl said.

I think he thinks I need to stand up for our child. That's what he means, by putting them in their place. I just want to hear them out but I want to do it in a better setting. Telling me in front of all the other parents isn't appropriate. If there's a larger issue, like I feel they're suggesting - we should really sit down and talk about it.

I think this is a sensible approach.

Was he at work when you rang him?

I would've waited until he got home to be honest.

Sounds like there’s a lot of aggression and extreme reactions in your relationship. It all sounds very stressy. Can’t you both just bring everything down a few notches? You might find the poor behaviour at nursery magically resolves itself, too.

I really understand why you'd say that.

But we haven't had a fight or shouted in months.

The behaviour has come on recently.

As you know he is going to say unhelpful stuff, do you have to tell him every time nursery gives you bad feedback? Not suggesting you don't tell him anything, but maybe just not everything.

And maybe not over the phone when you are pushed for time. There is a time and place for most conversations, but rushing from nursery to another child pick-up isn't one of them.

His attitude is not helpful, and isn't helping. Definitely get an appointment so you can talk to nursery properly.

Oh no darling, I think you're right. I'm just not cut out for this. I guess things will be all fine now you're taking over all the nursery comms and pick ups to do thing properly. It really is too bad, I enjoyed that all so much.

he asked me again why didn't I tell them that our child is really young etc

Does he really think people who work in a nursery don't know how young children behave? Just maybe they know more about it than he does? Tell him that it really would do him no harm to take off the blinkers and contemplate the possibility that other people might know more than he does.

This is really horrible and I hope you are OK. It's stressful worrying about children and mothers always seem to get the blame. Sometimes children just have an off day (as we all do) or maybe the nursery isn't the best fit for them, it could literally be anything. I hope he doesn't say this sort of thing in front of your children too! It doesn't sound like he deals with stress well at all.

Hold on. You had this phone call about your child, in front of your child? The phone call included him aggressively questioning you, and you “losing it” and telling him to fuck off. Then you both continued the shouting and swearing at home loud enough for your kids to hear?

do either of you have any self awareness at all??