Who's in the wrong ? Big fight with H

[bluba]

I called him today as I yet again had bad feedback from nursery regarding my youngest.

It keeps happening and it's upsetting and stressful. My H thinks I don't ' handle ' people properly and should ' put them in their place '. Letting them know that our child is only young and just needs a cuddle and that it's normal kids act up and they should ' just deal with it' .

I disagree with this exact approach and like to hear out the nursery workers to get an understanding of what's going on. Anyway today, they gave bad feedback about aggressive behaviour and I didn't really have time to chat for too long or delve into it. I listened to the complaint and kind of went ' oh no ' ' ok ', I'll chat to my child at home. I was rushed off my feet and needed to get going to get my other child. Plus, some other parents were there and I wasn't in a mood to have this chat in front of them. My plan is to ask for an actual meeting ( away from pick up and drop off times, as you can't really talk properly ).

Anyway, H kept asking why I didn't discuss it further. He literally asked me, not kidding 8 times on the phone why I didn't ' put them in their place '. I said I didn't have time delve and needed to go. ' but why didn't you ? ' ' why do you always let them get away with stuff '... etc etc. in the end I shouted and hung up the phone and told him F off. I know. I'm not proud. I just lost it.

Then when he came home, we talked about it again and he asked me again why didn't I tell them that our child is really young etc and I again got mad and said to F off ( I think ). He then lost it and said I'm the reason my child is aggressive.

Our kids were watching TV in the other room so didn't hear us swearing but came in once they heard us shouting at each other and told us to stop shouting. We did and we apologised to them for getting angry with each other and explained how sometimes people fight but they talk about things and make up again.

I know, neither of us is coming off particularly well here. I've been really calm lately in general. I've not shouted or got angry in the last six months but I have been known to occasionally get angry at my husband because he just does not hear me sometimes, like today. I've really worked on it and I don't think it's fair to blame me on my child's issues at nursery at the moment.

I think what he said was extremely hurtful and way worse than what I said to him. I just don't feel like he hears me.

Anyway, I'm sure most responses will just say we are both idiots.

The nursery always give the feedback in front of my child too and we discuss it together, but I get the point of not discussing it.

I did meet with nursery today and they basically said my child is completely fine and actually really clever and probably a bit under stimulated in the environment they're in, as they're quite advanced for their age.

It was all a bit strange but in general they don't have concerns about development are going to come up with more challenging activities and maybe move up to older kids room a bit sooner.

What happened yesterday was a shit show all round really. Need to think of some ways to improve my reactions.

@MagnoliaGirlie 2. No, nothing has changed recently at all.

Do you really think this is all on him?

No it's not all on him. Of course not. But it's just not on for him to blame any bad behaviour our children display, on me.

I'm sorry OP you both sound very stressed and concerned for your child which is coming out from each of you in different ways. Just remember you both want the same thing- what's best for your child

Give him the nursery’s phone number and he can deal with it the way he wants it dealing with

It doesn’t sound like emotional regulation comes naturally to either of you. By nature and nurture your DC will be more inclined towards aggressive behaviour.

I agree. And what does he mean by “putting people in their place”? What a horrible thing to say. Those of us who work with the general public have to deal with vile, rude arseholes every day, and many of them have exactly that kind of attitude. You can disagree with someone without being rude and horrible. For all he knows, the nursery worker he yells at and “puts in her place” might be struggling with a dying parent or caring for a disabled child. The last thing she needs is someone like your husband throwing his weight around and bullying her just so he can show what a tough guy he is. Would he put a six foot boxer in his place as well? Or a bouncer?

@Dappy777 listen, I have no leg to stand on here. We've both come across terribly and had an especially bad night yesterday.

But he'd never actually be rude to the nursery workers or anyone else.

By putting them in their place, he means ' standing up ' for our child. He thinks I'm too open to criticism and should be able to ' handle ' them, without them getting carried away. Because he really does believe nothing major is wrong as our child is only 2. He thinks they're just exaggerating.

The managers today made me feel like the nursery workers were exaggerating too. Now I don't know if this is a tactic or what's happening.

To sum up, he wouldn't be rude to them. He'd just say stuff like ' don't you think that's just wish two year olds do ? ' what did you do when child did x ?.. ' I think it sounds like a normal 2 year old '. That's all he means. I don't really do that when they say stuff about my child. I listen and also share my own anecdotes from home and compare notes with themselves

It's difficult isn't it. You & hubby need to learn how to communicate better for all the family's sake otherwise it'll just be bombs going off all the time, kids don't need to hear or see parents arguing - you're their role models and always have to display appropriate behaviour in their presence - they watch and listen all the time and they copy. We all lose it sometimes but your children are likely to test out/repeat what you say to their friends at school. My DD came out with something when she was 2 - she said it to DH & we both stood sniggering in disbelief - she'd heard one of the older kids say it at the childminders - I know exactly where it came from.

The whole issue was handled unprofessionally, Op
.
You should never have been put in a position to hear about your child in a rush of people at the front gate.
And then you passed on the surprise directly to your husband at work. So he,too, has the emergency reaction.

Does the child care centre ever send a note in an envelope home to you, asking for an appointment to discuss X and X?

Both you and your husband should avail yourselves of a meeting with the carer. Your parenting should be calm, kind, predictable and logical and maybe the teacher wants to help you both out if you are finding parenting that child hard right now. Learn some new parenting tricks, Op.

Husband needs to be more open minded and grasp half the parenting responsibility.

My H thinks I don't ' handle ' people properly and should ' put them in their place '. Letting them know that our child is only young and just needs a cuddle and that it's normal kids act up and they should ' just deal with it'

So, he doesn’t think that nursery workers, who work with these young people, have experience of a wide range of little individuals, know what’s ‘typical’ and what lies outside that in terms of behaviour, They are flagging that your child’s behaviour lies outside the appropriate scope for their developmental age, and his answer to that is to ‘put them in their place’ by telling them your child’s age (which they already know)? Hhhhmm

He sounds manipulative and controlling…

He wants you to do as he says or will relentlessly pressure you

He wants you to off at nursery staff but be submissive at home.

please don’t tolerate this behaviour from your DH. Yes kids will be kids and they need adult guidance. The nursery parent relationship needs to be mutually respectful with everyone working through issues in a forward focused fashion. If you suspect an adult is bullying your child then go through formal routes to address things.

He is projecting!

It does sound like six of one here. It doesn't sound like you dealt that well with the nursery. But not ok for him just to moan about it in the way he did. Also his comments on what you should have said to the nursery were ridiculous.

This! That alone tells me that he is a big part of the problem. I agree with you OP that the child behaviour - the reasons for it - need to be understood.

having said that, your child must be seeing this aggression somewhere and feels this is the best way to approach things because of the example he’s been set. If he sees it at home, no matter which parent he is copying, it is both parents responsibility to change the environment. (Just a thought, could he also be influenced by what tv he is watching?)

My only advice is:

1. never discuss the child’s behaviour in front of them unless you’re actually directly addressing them.
2. your husband needs to do pick up if he thinks you’re doing such a lousy job at advocating for your child.
3. if your husband doesn’t value the expertise of the nursery workers, then find a new childcare arrangement. He can do this.

It sounds like between the two of you things are tough - and no surprise - young kids are tough! But you can absolutely improve things by working on how you speak and expectations of each other.

I totally understand that the argument we had the other day was inappropriate because of the swearing.

But are you guys seriously telling me that parents never argue in front of their children ?

Everything I've read on the subject says that it's fine to argue / disagree and actually healthy to see it. The important thing is for kids also to see you resolving the argument. Which we always do and we also always talk to them about it afterwards- explain to them that adults also get frustrated and angry sometimes but that those feelings pass because we talk about it and all love each other.

We don't argue a lot. But it does happen occasionally in front of the children. Maybe twice a year.

I think it's unrealistic to expect children to never witness an argument. We are only human.

Agree with all of this.

The strange thing about the nursery situation is that the managers and senco, pretty much completely dismissed the room leaders concerns and were basically saying that they shouldn't be feeding back so much negativity about my child.

It's all a bit weird. Is that a normal response ? They pretty much completely invalidated what was said by the room staff as ' just normal 2 year old behaviour '. Which is also what we think btw.

Agree with pp you both dealt with it not in a good way.

You phoning him at work - it’s a conversation for home not in children’s earshot. Also arguing with him on the phone in front of your child. Don’t be surprised if the fuck word comes out from your child further down the line.

Him minimising unacceptable behaviour and blaming you. In my experience nursery workers don’t speak to parents unnecessarily.

also when we talked on the phone in front of my child about what had been said, my child was involved in that conversation.

We were asking what happened etc and child was explaining.

It’s just not the best way to do it. Car conversations when you’re driving, can’t see facial expressions, can’t see your husband - lose all that body language etc

There are nursery workers who aren’t v good, just like in any profession. But if that’s the case at your one, move him. You either trust them to look after your son and have appropriate knowledge of two year olds…or you don’t.

Good luck with it. I hope you both can work it out.

That's what I was thinking. Not just dh behaviour.

Putting them in there place is zero help

but tbh it can be draining when someone comes to you with half a story then ask for input when they’ve already made there mind up on what they want to do

not sure what you want from the call

I think that when we have to say ‘Fuck off’ in any conversation it’s because you’ve reached the end of patience with the situation/person and/or that person is no longer listening.

And the nursery have been really unprofessional.

What does putting them in their place mean?

It sounds fairly aggressive, and from his reaction to the passive way you handled it and you not following his ‘advice’ he seems to be quite a bully. That and believing his way is always the right way.

If he was there he’d have probably kicked off. Not great in a nursery setting, or any setting come to that. It sounds like he doesn’t accept criticism personally and that extends to his children. Are they ever in the wrong when it comes to others outside the family? Does he always justify his/their behaviour or criticise the other person’s? Has he ever said the words ‘I am sorry’?

He sounds a delight.