Who's in the wrong ? Big fight with H

[bluba]

I called him today as I yet again had bad feedback from nursery regarding my youngest.

It keeps happening and it's upsetting and stressful. My H thinks I don't ' handle ' people properly and should ' put them in their place '. Letting them know that our child is only young and just needs a cuddle and that it's normal kids act up and they should ' just deal with it' .

I disagree with this exact approach and like to hear out the nursery workers to get an understanding of what's going on. Anyway today, they gave bad feedback about aggressive behaviour and I didn't really have time to chat for too long or delve into it. I listened to the complaint and kind of went ' oh no ' ' ok ', I'll chat to my child at home. I was rushed off my feet and needed to get going to get my other child. Plus, some other parents were there and I wasn't in a mood to have this chat in front of them. My plan is to ask for an actual meeting ( away from pick up and drop off times, as you can't really talk properly ).

Anyway, H kept asking why I didn't discuss it further. He literally asked me, not kidding 8 times on the phone why I didn't ' put them in their place '. I said I didn't have time delve and needed to go. ' but why didn't you ? ' ' why do you always let them get away with stuff '... etc etc. in the end I shouted and hung up the phone and told him F off. I know. I'm not proud. I just lost it.

Then when he came home, we talked about it again and he asked me again why didn't I tell them that our child is really young etc and I again got mad and said to F off ( I think ). He then lost it and said I'm the reason my child is aggressive.

Our kids were watching TV in the other room so didn't hear us swearing but came in once they heard us shouting at each other and told us to stop shouting. We did and we apologised to them for getting angry with each other and explained how sometimes people fight but they talk about things and make up again.

I know, neither of us is coming off particularly well here. I've been really calm lately in general. I've not shouted or got angry in the last six months but I have been known to occasionally get angry at my husband because he just does not hear me sometimes, like today. I've really worked on it and I don't think it's fair to blame me on my child's issues at nursery at the moment.

I think what he said was extremely hurtful and way worse than what I said to him. I just don't feel like he hears me.

Anyway, I'm sure most responses will just say we are both idiots.

Sounds like he is a bit of an idiot who thinks that everything is someone else's fault whether that means blaming the nursery staff or blaming you rather than thinking about how to improve things.

So his ploy is to put people in their place including you and not to parent his child's behaviour.

Agreed. Can't say I have ever told my DH to F**off, not alone twice in the same argument.

So you had this conversation in front of your child?

IF you explained that you didn't because you want to have a meeting with them and talk about it properly before deciding how to handle it (which i assume is what you've done) and he then continued to badger/harass you, and asked you repeatedly why you didn't do what he thinks you ought to have done, then the problem is 100% with him,

You probably shouldn't have told him to fuck off, but honestly, in my experience with a dickhead bully exh, the best thing to do in that situation is just stop responding, then all they can do is argue with thin air.

How old is your DC?

I called him today as I yet again had bad feedback from nursery regarding my youngest.
It keeps happening and it's upsetting and stressful.

It keeps happening?

If its been an on going thing have you actually made an appointment for a discussion with the nursery staff yet or do you just keep asking them to leave it as the timing isn't appropriate for you?

I wouldn't even bother calling my DH unless I knew exactly what the "bad feedback" was about.

It's wrong to even say, or think you should put the nursery staff in their place if your DC is the one causing problems and being given "bad feedback" yet you're still not bothering to find out why.

I think the nursery workers are probably giving you an accurate report. There is no point telling them he is young, they know that, they work with young children all day everyday.

Don't accept the terms of his argument and gave to explain yourself. Why would it be appropriate to put them in their place?

Why is DH not doing any nursery pick ups?

He wants you to 'put them in their place'?

What place would that be, exactly? Sounds to me like he looks down on the people looking after his children (including you).

OP - as someone who works with a lot of challenging children, with love, you need to work on this now while DS is little enough to learn new ways to deal with his emotions.

You said you haven’t been angry in 6 months but when DP pissed you off you responded with anger.

His reaction was anger to you…and cruelty.

Kids are so clever, like little sponges! You might think you’ve hidden your anger/ arguments/ bad communication from them. But they’re soaking it all in.

Defo have a meeting with the nursery. 💙

I think if both of you have this aggressive communication style then it’s understandable that your children will pick up on that. When the disagreements they hear involve shouting & “fuck off” then of course they mirror that behaviour, kids are little sponges.

He shouldn’t be putting this all on you, you need to work together to solve it, it needs to be both of you vs the problem, not you vs him, but equally you cannot keep shouting & telling him to fuck off etc where your child can hear you and then wonder why your child is behaving like this at nursery.

youre allowed to get angry and show it! Especially when he was asking over and over. I would’ve told him to fuck off too. He’s not being very supportive and just shifting the blame on to you. Not ok.
you’re not in the wrong. Best thing to do is as you suggested, arrange a meeting to discuss with the nursery if possible

Tell him to speak to the nursery himself. My husband is the same, always giving it "you need to say this and that etc" so I just tell him to deal with it himself, at which he disappears into his shell

Projecting much? no idea how you concluded that much with so little background information.

Why doesn't he pick up your child and speak to the nursery worker then?

This.

OTOH, you are absolutely right to listen to what the staff are saying, and to suggest a meeting at a time that suits you both.

But then, I can't understand why you would think it a good idea to phone him, at that point. Crucially, in front of your child. That was completely inappropriate.

It does sound like you both need to think about what you say in front of the children. As a pp said, I have NEVER told my dh to F* Off, and he has NEVER said that to me.
When we have needed to discuss things about any of our dc (or about the staff at school or Nursery) we would do that after the dc had gone to bed, or if they weren't with us at some point.

Does your H often put people in their place?
Is he some sort of omnipotent expert who has all the answers and needs to educate other adults ?

Without knowing the full back story I’d generally assume nursery are right.

He either doesn’t want to or can’t handle feedback about his son - so the solution is blame you.

• If YOU hadn't brought this up he’d be nicely oblivious.
• If YOU had put them ‘in their place, no issue for him to deal with.
• If YOU had shut it down there wouldn’t be a follow-on conversation to have to manage.
• if YOU didn’t get pissed off with his attitude your DS wouldn’t be like this

Therefore nothing will ever be his responsibility as he’s a master at deflecting.

I think you have several choices here

1. ideally he would change his personality and agreed to start co parenting with you. Is that going to happen ?
2. If not then you need to do the parenting on your own and stop expecting him to back you up or support you
3. id think hard if you see your relationship lasting in the long term. Id have no more kids with him and get back to work ( if you are a SAHP ) or back to work FT .

If your partner is like this now, its going to be a lot worse when your kids are teens.

Sorry op but I agree with this really. You’re kidding yourself if you’re trying to say the kids had no idea you were arguing and swearing at each other in the other room while they watched tv. He sounds like he was being an arse and that’s probably indicative of his general attitude but acting the way you both have in front of your kids is pretty shit.

you shouldn’t have called him - particularly if he was at work. better conversation to have at home once kids in bed

you shouldn’t have called him with your child in the car - you shouldn’t be sharing your perception of the feedback in front of the child - no matter how young

agree that you need to arrange a meeting with nursery and come up with a plan to help your child as they are obviously struggling

he doesn’t come across well here but I am conscious that you are a biased narrator!

His attitude towards you and the nursery staff stinks. It sounds as though he thinks he always knows better.

But you called him from the car to tell him about the issue while child was in the car! How do you think child felt about that?

And then instead of saying "let's chat later" when he started reactivity aggressively, you gave the same back and told him to fuck off.

And then the two of you had another loud argument while the DC were in the next room, again using the phrase "fuck off".

You admit you've had angry arguments while the kids were around in the past. But not for 6 months.

Do you really think this is all on him?

.

This is an excellent idea. Provided the OP is happy to find herself with no nursery place at incredibly short notice.

Tell him to start picking your child up, and he can deal with the issues. If he won’t he can butt out on how you deal with it at the time

How old is your youngest? Do you have any idea why their behaviour could have changed so suddenly (big life event, illness, bullying, abuse, etc.)?