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Original poster

My fault for DH having a bad day

146 replies

Wowjustwow88 · 19/11/2024 20:39

Dh is going away on Friday for a trip with a mate. He's not the best traveller and as usual has left packing and sorting stuff out to the last minute so is on edge but not sure that's my fault

For context when we go away, I'm the one who sorts out the plans, passports, money etc, I think this is the first time since we have been together (19 years) he has been abroad without me (where as I go abroad for work a lot) I have sorted adaptors, insurance etc for him.

Today he wanted to take youngest to soft play to spend some time with him before he goes. That's fine. I booked it for him. I forgot that the place only takes cash so messaged him just before to tell him. Dh annoyed but it is what it is.

Dh picked youngestbuo from nursery after he finished work (3 ish - I'm still wfh) and the nappies and wipes I'd put in his bag this morning have been used so he rings me (while I'm on a call, which i have to drop off of) moaning no stuff in the bag and when I say oh there was this morning, that's me being defensive

Anyway he nips home (nursery is 1 min car journey away) and I've put together some wipes etc, sarcastic remark about me being able to leave my desk for longer than 10 seconds to help and off they go

Dh then goes to get cash out- machine swallows his card. Apparently my fault for not remembering earlier that he needed cash. Has another card he can use so not the end of the world.

Dh then starts to pack to go away, some of his clothes still on the airer drying. My fault for not being able to dry then quicker and the fact he has to wait another day.

OP posts:
anothermnuser123 · 20/11/2024 11:25

Wowjustwow88 · 20/11/2024 06:50

Thank you for all of the replies

I guess I have just fallen into the trap of doing/organising things. Up until recently he worked shifts including a lot of nights so the housework and life stuff automatically fell to me. He's been off nights for about a year now and works 8-3 every day, and i know he's found the transition to permanent days hard as well.

He thinks I work too much. My job is very busy, and there are evenings when I do get the laptop out after the kids are in bed to finish a few bits but ita not every night, and he is generally on his phone/tablet playing a game (he has also started getting is laptop out in the evening since moving roles but if I question it, he's allowed)

I'm also poorly at the moment (cold/possible chest infection) so keep coughing. Last night turned into an argument because I was coughing too much and when I said I would go and sleep in the spare room so we could both sleep that turned into an argument as well

Are there positive interactions? As it sounds like he is constantly criticising you and you cant do right. If someone were treating me like that, I would assume they didnt like me very much.

Are you happy in this relationship? You sound like you work longer hours, yet do more/all of the housework, organising and parenting. You get zero appreciation for all you are doing and you are constantly being criticised, that kind of constant negativity would bring anyone down.

VisitationRights · 20/11/2024 11:30

He doesn’t sound very nice, or mature, or responsible. What does his bring to the relationship and family life?

nutbrownhare15 · 20/11/2024 11:43

He sounds vile. Does he bring anything positive at all?

mummytrex · 20/11/2024 11:49

Sorry OP Does he even like you? A decent caring partner would be concerned / sympathetic to a sick spouse not pissed off and shitty because you're coughing and then shittier still as you offered a solution.

He sounds utterly vile and lazy. Do you exist just to serve him? I bet your confidence has gradually been eroded over time with him. Honestly you deserve better.

Jeschara · 20/11/2024 12:00

Pathetic individual, he does not want you to work, he blames you for everything, he wants you to be a better wife, in other words to serve him.
He is a lazy self serving git, and one of the me me me ilk. Also I think he is jealous of you, from what you are saying you are progressing in your career and will soon be the higher earner. He will always blame you and try to bring you down.

He states he wants you to be a better wife to him, translated that means looking after him and doing things for him.
I would not say LTB as that is your desition, but if he is like this now, whst is this baby man child going to be like in years to come.
Lastly let him do his own washing.

GottaLoveTheGuineas · 20/11/2024 18:02

Why, why, why do women live like this? OP, living with a person like this really sounds like hell to me. This marriage would feel like a literal life sentence in prison. And I'm honestly not exaggerating.

Why are you putting up with this shitty attitude from him?

ThisWormHasTurned · 20/11/2024 20:24

GottaLoveTheGuineas · 20/11/2024 18:02

Why, why, why do women live like this? OP, living with a person like this really sounds like hell to me. This marriage would feel like a literal life sentence in prison. And I'm honestly not exaggerating.

Why are you putting up with this shitty attitude from him?

Boiling frog. You have no idea at first what’s happening. It’s a drip drip drip effect until suddenly you realise the way they blame you for everything is actually unreasonable. I had a ‘glass shattering’ moment when my H (now XH!) said something awful about me and I suddenly thought ‘That’s not true! That’s something you tell yourself to justify your behaviour towards me.’ It didn’t come out of nowhere. I’d had counselling and some supportive friends make me start to see things differently, but in that moment, my entire view of it all shifted. I made plans to leave him soon after, best decision I ever made! But we were together 15 years before I truly saw him for who he is.

Lindjam · 20/11/2024 20:30

Does he think you’re his mum?

He sounds like he doesn’t like you very much, sorry 💐

Original poster
Wowjustwow88 · 20/11/2024 21:10

So we're still not talking after yesterday

Today he has carried on packing and sorting stuff out

I have been moaned at for not answering a question properly (he wanted a yes/no answer and was annoyed when I explained the answer)

I have been called boring for not drinking/liking the taste of a certain alcoholic drink (I've never been a big drinker, would prefer a diet coke to alcohol) and he knows i don't drink and never really have

Tried to talk to him about yesterday and apologise (to keep thr peace and not for him to go away with us arguing) and he said i don't deserve it after how I acted yesterday

OP posts:
Bruisername · 20/11/2024 21:14

I'm Sorry if this is harsh but this almost sounds made up because I can’t believe you can’t see how bad this is

AlertCat · 20/11/2024 21:15

@Wowjustwow88 how do you see this situation? We’re all saying LTB and what an arse, but how do you feel about it and see the relationship proceeding? I’m just really sorry that you’re having to live like this, you must be exhausted and in despair.

ThatTealViewer · 20/11/2024 21:17

Wowjustwow88 · 20/11/2024 21:10

So we're still not talking after yesterday

Today he has carried on packing and sorting stuff out

I have been moaned at for not answering a question properly (he wanted a yes/no answer and was annoyed when I explained the answer)

I have been called boring for not drinking/liking the taste of a certain alcoholic drink (I've never been a big drinker, would prefer a diet coke to alcohol) and he knows i don't drink and never really have

Tried to talk to him about yesterday and apologise (to keep thr peace and not for him to go away with us arguing) and he said i don't deserve it after how I acted yesterday

You APOLOGISED?!

Jesus Christ.

Sunnings · 20/11/2024 21:17

He's a nasty bully.
I think you are treated really badly.
You should talk to Women's aid.
I think you sound bullied and abused.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/11/2024 21:17

Fuck. That. Shit.

Original poster
Wowjustwow88 · 20/11/2024 21:18

I am exhausted and I am done

This has been going on for so long and the boiling frog comparison is quite a good way of thinking of it

I feel like I have been making excuses for so long that's its just become accepted now.

I'm not perfect. I work so hard to do everything and nothing is ever good enough

Not sure how I've got to breaking point tho over a cash machine swallowing a card when I wasn't even there tho!

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 20/11/2024 21:21

He really doesn't love you. I'm sorry but good people don't treat their spouses like this.

You deserve far better.

Wolframandhart · 20/11/2024 21:22

Wowjustwow88 · 20/11/2024 21:18

I am exhausted and I am done

This has been going on for so long and the boiling frog comparison is quite a good way of thinking of it

I feel like I have been making excuses for so long that's its just become accepted now.

I'm not perfect. I work so hard to do everything and nothing is ever good enough

Not sure how I've got to breaking point tho over a cash machine swallowing a card when I wasn't even there tho!

You got to breaking point not because of a cash machine, but because your husband is an incompetent dickhead. Causing an argument become he goes away with mates would be a red flag for me too.

pictoosh · 20/11/2024 22:09

It's not over the card being swallowed...it's about his propensity to use you as an emotional punchbag.

PinkChesnut · 21/11/2024 05:49

Pick up Codependency for Dummies (don't be put off by the title!!)

It sounds like you may be in some form of denial about his behaviour and yours, and breaking those chains will be the key to your happiness and freedom, with or without him.

Numberfish · 09/05/2025 23:31

Wowjustwow88 · 19/11/2024 20:39

Dh is going away on Friday for a trip with a mate. He's not the best traveller and as usual has left packing and sorting stuff out to the last minute so is on edge but not sure that's my fault

For context when we go away, I'm the one who sorts out the plans, passports, money etc, I think this is the first time since we have been together (19 years) he has been abroad without me (where as I go abroad for work a lot) I have sorted adaptors, insurance etc for him.

Today he wanted to take youngest to soft play to spend some time with him before he goes. That's fine. I booked it for him. I forgot that the place only takes cash so messaged him just before to tell him. Dh annoyed but it is what it is.

Dh picked youngestbuo from nursery after he finished work (3 ish - I'm still wfh) and the nappies and wipes I'd put in his bag this morning have been used so he rings me (while I'm on a call, which i have to drop off of) moaning no stuff in the bag and when I say oh there was this morning, that's me being defensive

Anyway he nips home (nursery is 1 min car journey away) and I've put together some wipes etc, sarcastic remark about me being able to leave my desk for longer than 10 seconds to help and off they go

Dh then goes to get cash out- machine swallows his card. Apparently my fault for not remembering earlier that he needed cash. Has another card he can use so not the end of the world.

Dh then starts to pack to go away, some of his clothes still on the airer drying. My fault for not being able to dry then quicker and the fact he has to wait another day.

Why are you treating him like he’s a child? You’re turning him into an ungrateful, nasty one. Do less. Ask for exactly the same stuff you do for him done for you. This sounds like an enormous issue to me.

Littlejellyuk · 14/05/2025 08:01

Wowjustwow88 · 19/11/2024 20:39

Dh is going away on Friday for a trip with a mate. He's not the best traveller and as usual has left packing and sorting stuff out to the last minute so is on edge but not sure that's my fault

For context when we go away, I'm the one who sorts out the plans, passports, money etc, I think this is the first time since we have been together (19 years) he has been abroad without me (where as I go abroad for work a lot) I have sorted adaptors, insurance etc for him.

Today he wanted to take youngest to soft play to spend some time with him before he goes. That's fine. I booked it for him. I forgot that the place only takes cash so messaged him just before to tell him. Dh annoyed but it is what it is.

Dh picked youngestbuo from nursery after he finished work (3 ish - I'm still wfh) and the nappies and wipes I'd put in his bag this morning have been used so he rings me (while I'm on a call, which i have to drop off of) moaning no stuff in the bag and when I say oh there was this morning, that's me being defensive

Anyway he nips home (nursery is 1 min car journey away) and I've put together some wipes etc, sarcastic remark about me being able to leave my desk for longer than 10 seconds to help and off they go

Dh then goes to get cash out- machine swallows his card. Apparently my fault for not remembering earlier that he needed cash. Has another card he can use so not the end of the world.

Dh then starts to pack to go away, some of his clothes still on the airer drying. My fault for not being able to dry then quicker and the fact he has to wait another day.

I'm sorry that I haven't read the full thread, but he sounds like he would have you wipe his backside if he could! 🤦‍♀️

God forbid if anything happened to you and you were out of action, or in hospital for a week, what would he do then? 🤔
Moan to the nurses that there are no wet wipes in nursery, be completely cash-less and wear damp clothes all week?

He needs to take on more by the sounds of it. Starting with his own washing!

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