My fault for DH having a bad day

[Wowjustwow88]

Dh is going away on Friday for a trip with a mate. He's not the best traveller and as usual has left packing and sorting stuff out to the last minute so is on edge but not sure that's my fault

For context when we go away, I'm the one who sorts out the plans, passports, money etc, I think this is the first time since we have been together (19 years) he has been abroad without me (where as I go abroad for work a lot) I have sorted adaptors, insurance etc for him.

Today he wanted to take youngest to soft play to spend some time with him before he goes. That's fine. I booked it for him. I forgot that the place only takes cash so messaged him just before to tell him. Dh annoyed but it is what it is.

Dh picked youngestbuo from nursery after he finished work (3 ish - I'm still wfh) and the nappies and wipes I'd put in his bag this morning have been used so he rings me (while I'm on a call, which i have to drop off of) moaning no stuff in the bag and when I say oh there was this morning, that's me being defensive

Anyway he nips home (nursery is 1 min car journey away) and I've put together some wipes etc, sarcastic remark about me being able to leave my desk for longer than 10 seconds to help and off they go

Dh then goes to get cash out- machine swallows his card. Apparently my fault for not remembering earlier that he needed cash. Has another card he can use so not the end of the world.

Dh then starts to pack to go away, some of his clothes still on the airer drying. My fault for not being able to dry then quicker and the fact he has to wait another day.

This is a regular argument and this sums it up.

I went back after both children full time as I've worked hard to be where I am and if enjoy (love) what I do. I earn around the same as him.

I enjoy my job where as he does a job just to earn a salary. I am genuinely in a role I have always wanted and am excelling in. He has told me he would rather that I was average at my job and a better wife to him as he thinks i neglect him as I work 5 days a week 9-5

He doesn't complain about the salary/bonus i bring home though

Why didn't he do washing earlier? Jesus stop organising things for him if he thinks you're doing such a crappy job. (Note. You're not doing a crap job. He sounds bloody lazy).

In reply do you take it, or do you reply “I’ve only tried to help you - if that’s not appreciated I’ll stop”

I am married to someone exactly like that. And now getting divorced. I gave birth to 2 children not 3.

Re your last post OP. So he wants you dependent on him and trapped. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.

I think you’re being far too people pleaser/martyr syndrome, OP. I’d be doing fuck all for him next time. Why couldn’t he book soft play/do his own washing earlier than you did? Does he consider your job less important than his? Or that you’re his mum? Time to hand him back his chores. It’s not your job to sort his life. I can’t believe you organised his passport/insurance! He’s a functioning adult, bet he manages fine at work somehow.

He’s acting like you’re his mum. You are not. He is perfectly capable of wrangling this stuff himself so in the future, let him get on with it. There’s no need for you to make things so easy for him the way you have been. He’s a grown up too. Start making him do things for himself, and you’ll have one less child to look after. You deserve that x

He is paying you a salary and proper employer NI as you’re his PA?

Well doesn't he sound an absolute treat.

Oh right. I was going to say it sounds like he's stressing about the trip & taking it out on you.

but having seen his messages...he'd be getting it, both barrels!!

why does he resent you working?

why is he speaking to you that way??

Drop the rope and let him do his own washing, packing, organising etc. You are not his skivvy. Ffs.

He has told me he would rather that I was average at my job and a better wife to him as he thinks i neglect him as I work 5 days a week 9-5

😳

Wow. That’s quite something. I’m not sure I could live with someone who thought that. Only tiny bright spot is he was open about it, rather than making it clear in passive-aggressive ways instead. But I don’t think it’s a light at the end of the tunnel, more the brightness when the headlights of the oncoming train start to show up.

A man needing me to do so much for him would give me the biggest ick. Why do you do it? Is there a part of you that likes to feel needed? Separately, his attitude stinks. You’d better hope your kids don’t copy him.

Ok - the ‘you’re not a good wife’ shit. I used to get that and we used to have rows over what a ‘wife’ is - he eventually understood that if he wanted a surrendered wife then he was very welcome to go and get one but if not he needed to buck up his ideas and be a good husband

Work less so you can be a better wife?

oh fuck that attitude.

No way, absolutely no way would I still be married to him. Tell him it's 2024 not 1954 & that you hope he enjoys his trip because he will be looking at big changes when he gets back. Tell him to use the time to find the parent/ friend mistake & willing to put him up until he gets his own place sorted!

enough is enough now, don't let him ruin your potential & your life!!

Jesus, do you wipe his bum and cut his food for him too? I expect more of my 9yo than you do of him. Stop doing it all.

He seems to equate being a wife with being a skivvy and doing everything for her husband.
How on earth is this attractive in a partner? Grim.
An adult should take responsibility for their own lives.

He has told me he would rather that I was average at my job and a better wife to him as he thinks i neglect him as I work 5 days a week 9-5

He doesn't complain about the salary/bonus i bring home though

Why don't you tell him that you think HE neglects you because he doesn't earn a huge salary and he's not alpha male enough for you?

But you need a really good discussion about your roles.

Does having a vagina mean you should do his washing? Do you operate the washing machine with your genitals?

What roles does he think MEN should do? And does he do them?

He sounds like a great example of toxic and fragile masculinity.

I recognise this! Not the lack of organising skills but definitely the thing where if something goes wrong it's my fault. He breaks something : my fault because I put it there/I had upset him earlier/ whatever. It's driving me mad each time. Just so dishonest; owe your fuck-ups. Think I will get him a tee-shirt with that on for christmas..

You married an older child you can't think and plan for himself

He needs to learn to adult

I've come to the conclusion that men only get married so they have mothers for the rest of their lives

You're his partner not his mother

Wtf? I hope this isn't real. Why are you babying him? And then why are you putting up with his whining baby behaviour?! Surely to god he's capable of doing his own washing, using a cash machine, and taking his own kid to soft play without you holding his hand.

Tell him he will henceforth organise everything for all of his activities, whether or not those involve your DS. Tell him you will not be told off like a child and you will not be interrupted at work to sort out things he has forgotten to sort for himself. Every time he whinges at you, calmly repeat.

Ick. You are taking on so much that all responsibility for all things is now on you, which means that if things don't go perfectly, it is also all on you. Awful.

Also lots of strange issues here... why is he/you packing for a weekend away 3 days before? Seems ridiculous. Ditto, the whining about working, particularly as you are still foing all the household tasks AND bringing home the bacon.

Are there any positives to this relationship?

Maybe your DH needs to be the house husband if he is not so happy in his job and thinks both of you working means household duties are not done on time

But I suspect he'd soon grow to resent the lack of greedy and money