My fault for DH having a bad day

[Wowjustwow88]

Dh is going away on Friday for a trip with a mate. He's not the best traveller and as usual has left packing and sorting stuff out to the last minute so is on edge but not sure that's my fault

For context when we go away, I'm the one who sorts out the plans, passports, money etc, I think this is the first time since we have been together (19 years) he has been abroad without me (where as I go abroad for work a lot) I have sorted adaptors, insurance etc for him.

Today he wanted to take youngest to soft play to spend some time with him before he goes. That's fine. I booked it for him. I forgot that the place only takes cash so messaged him just before to tell him. Dh annoyed but it is what it is.

Dh picked youngestbuo from nursery after he finished work (3 ish - I'm still wfh) and the nappies and wipes I'd put in his bag this morning have been used so he rings me (while I'm on a call, which i have to drop off of) moaning no stuff in the bag and when I say oh there was this morning, that's me being defensive

Anyway he nips home (nursery is 1 min car journey away) and I've put together some wipes etc, sarcastic remark about me being able to leave my desk for longer than 10 seconds to help and off they go

Dh then goes to get cash out- machine swallows his card. Apparently my fault for not remembering earlier that he needed cash. Has another card he can use so not the end of the world.

Dh then starts to pack to go away, some of his clothes still on the airer drying. My fault for not being able to dry then quicker and the fact he has to wait another day.

Last Minute is shoving things in a bag as the airport taxi arrives

but that’s a detail. He’s a nob.

Yet another person here failing to understand why he hasnt sorted his own washing out, or why he didnt check the bag before he left, nor checked if the place HE was visiting took card or not.

And why on earth are you doing any organising for a trip he is going on? It sounds like he is completely incapable and then doesnt appreciate all you are doing.

Maybe this is your wake up call to stop mothering him, he is your partner not your child. Not one of these things was he incapable of doing, he is just opting out of using his brain because you will pick up the slack so stop. When he complains you havent done his washing, ask why he hasnt done it, when he says about that bag ask why didnt he check it, when he complains about not knowing about cash ask why he didnt check (im sure they have a website or a phone number). Every single time point out the thing he didnt do and definitely stop organising for him.

Its clear the more you do, the more he wants you to do, this has shown you are doing too much as the poor man has forgot how to use his brain and common sense to do these things and the only way to learn is to do them fully for himself.

Why is it your job to do his washing for his trip @Wowjustwow88 - you both work right? He could try, you know, planning ahead. Even if you do more washing and he does other jobs, he can plan what he wears leaving stuff he wants ready?

It actually sounds like he doesn't like you very much. He certainly doesn't respect you. It must be exhausting living with him.

If he wanted to pack earlier he could have done the laundry earlier himself. It's not as though he doesn't still have plenty of time to pack.

I get pretty stressed about preparing for travel, but I know it's all internally generated and I try my best not to make it my OH's problem.

Of course you want to help your DH, but he should be showing you gratitude for the help you've provided, not criticising you for the things he still has to do for himself.

He sounds like a bum. You deserve better!

So he actually thinks that your job should be looking after him? You have a great job, bring in a really good salary and you do everything for the children and do all his life admin but that isn't enough. He sounds absolutely awful. Does he have any good points?

He's not really on your team, his comments about your job are sexist and you've fallen into a pattern of doing stuff for him that he should be able to handle himself.

You've helped him out and he's thrown it all back at you? I'd be telling him to fuck off.

This! What an absolute man child, OP. How some women have sex with a man who they essentially mother like another one of their children is completely beyond me. Instant ick, 🤮

Yes. There is a huge level of resentment from him I sense. Hence the blaming all the time and basically just being rude to you.

Do you know where the resentment might be coming from?

He's envious of your success and enjoyment in your job. That interacting with his sexist ideas about women and relationships means he's trying to make himself feel better by putting you back in what he perceives as your box.

Yuck.

Thank you for all of the replies

I guess I have just fallen into the trap of doing/organising things. Up until recently he worked shifts including a lot of nights so the housework and life stuff automatically fell to me. He's been off nights for about a year now and works 8-3 every day, and i know he's found the transition to permanent days hard as well.

He thinks I work too much. My job is very busy, and there are evenings when I do get the laptop out after the kids are in bed to finish a few bits but ita not every night, and he is generally on his phone/tablet playing a game (he has also started getting is laptop out in the evening since moving roles but if I question it, he's allowed)

I'm also poorly at the moment (cold/possible chest infection) so keep coughing. Last night turned into an argument because I was coughing too much and when I said I would go and sleep in the spare room so we could both sleep that turned into an argument as well

@Wowjustwow88 Why is it your job to book insurance for his trip? Why is it your job to organise his outing with his child? Why is it your job to ensure he has the right clean clothes for packing? Stop taking responsibility for things that he should do, let him mess up and learn from his mistakes.

More importantly, why are you putting up with him shifting the blame for his mess ups onto you and making nasty comments about your work? Is that what you want to model for your kids?

He sounds angry with you- you really can’t win, can you? By which I don’t mean to say it’s your fault that he’s angry! He is most definitely being very unreasonable. I guess you also can’t bring it up and point out what he’s doing and have him see it and apologise!

I hope you enjoy his time away. I do wonder if it might be nicer for you if that separation became more permanent, in time- or are there redeeming features to the relationship? How does he enhance your life?

He sounds so resentful. He criticises everything you do yet his life sounds so easy compared to yours. His working hours are short and you do everything for the children and around the house. He seems to feel emasculated by your successful career/high earning job.

Would you consider leaving him? I think you life would be much easier without him.

OP this is a classic example of a parent child relationship in a marriage.

He is acting like a petulant child and he is expecting you to be his mother.

You are not a support human.

I could not be with a useless and rude man like him.

Next time he complains about your job, ask him if he wants you to give it up, but how is he going to replace the £xxxxx that your income brings in each month?

I would go zero tolerance from now on. He wants to take DC to soft play, he books it himself and packs the bag. As for packing and sorting out his holiday clothes, well tbh I can't quite believe you're doing that in the first place.

No point having big conversations about it, just make the changes. Unless he is actually an idiot, he will know why.

He is utterly pathetic. Please tell him we all think he’s completely useless.

You also need to be very clear that it is not your job that it is stopping you doing these things for him - it is the fact he is an adult and you are not his mother - you are his partner and equal

God but he sounds so so selfish.

Fecking hell, I'd be telling him he needs to start doing more around the house and relying less on me mothering him, otherwise he's going to be lost when we divorce.

This sounds like my dad who has never lifted a finger and now who cannot even prepare himself a simple meal.

Why did you sort his holiday insurance and wash his clothes? Why did you book soft play? Can he not do these things himself? Why are you treating him like a teenager and not a partner? Just stop doing his stuff.

I guess I have just fallen into the trap of doing/organising things. Up until recently he worked shifts including a lot of nights so the housework and life stuff automatically fell to me. He's been off nights for about a year now and works 8-3 every day, and i know he's found the transition to permanent days hard as well.

So you took over when he worked shifts? When he was actually home and awake during the day - assuming he slept around 8 hours. One year is not really that recent with ever evolving young family life. Did he raise this difficulty adjusting and you went along with it to be helpful?

I'm also poorly at the moment (cold/possible chest infection) so keep coughing. Last night turned into an argument because I was coughing too much and when I said I would go and sleep in the spare room so we could both sleep that turned into an argument as well

He complains that your coughing keeps him awake? Something short term that you can’t help? And then doesn’t like your suggested solution? What was his plan?

The more I read the more concerned I feel. He isn’t just an ungrateful man child for whom you do far more than your share. If he really (irrationally) thinks that everything that goes wrong / he doesn’t like in his life is your fault he could become increasingly more abusive.