Snl doesn't want me to be part of the family 😔

[Hidebehindasmile]

My snl has made it clear she doesn't like me. We used to be great friends & the same mutual friends.

One day I called in at mil home and my sil completely ignores me. I asked had a done something but she just blanked me. I texted her, she blocked me. This went on for months. I found this extremely awkward so I just decided to not bother with her too. My mil pulled me to the side to say I was being extremely rude, I explained that sil hadn't spoken to me in a while & I did ask what was wrong. Mil said maybe I should call less often with dd's, especially when sil is there. I asked did she know something I didn't? She said she didn't want to get involved 😮. My dh spoke to his sister & she told him I was not to be trusted & he could do better than me, he hung up in anger with her. Mutual friends recently told me that she said I'm draining my dh finically (we are both teachers & split all the bills), he used to be fun until he married me. Because she blocked me my dh messaged to see what was going on. I apparently made it all up. I reached out to the mutual friends to ask was this all true what they said. I was ignored.

My mum passed away 3 years ago. My dad left my mum when me & my brother were little. I have a wonderful cousin who tries to reassure me that my snl is the problem not me. Family gatherings will be happening for the run up to Christmas & I don't want my snl to get to me. I just wish I knew what I did or what I was supposed to have done. Any suggestions?

I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s awful, I hated the lead up to any get together wondering what snide remarks would come my way and not wanting to make a scene etc etc. Just review that above incident- no one said or did anything and you are left wondering if it’s ok or it wasn’t that bad. The reality is that it is that bad, it’s an awful thing to say and everyone just accepted it, didn’t stick up for you and are happy for you to take the flak.

I have a very dominant SIL and I was in a similar situation. I managed it by reducing contact, when i did see them I spoke to her as little as possible and just spoke to the rest of the family (who are lovely and great fun). I also had some sharp putdowns as well and she never came back at them. I envisaged any snide remark as a baseball coming toward me which I then smacked out of the park. It is a lot better now, for lots of reasons but mainly because her children love meeting up with mine and she realised she needed me to be on board with that for it to happen. I still resent my husband for not sticking up for me but the relationship is a lot better now to the point that we meet up regularly.

She sounds like a right gobby cow. She knows you don't like confrontation and is using it against you. Give her it right back and tell her to fuck off, she'll be shocked you turned.

My DH has a brother and a sister. his sister has never liked either of her brothers wives, doesn’t acknowledge them and actively tried to stop my husband marrying me. After we got married she didn’t speak to him for a year- and she made the whole fall out about her. My best guess for her motives is that she didn’t like the shift in the balance from her not being the only girl in the sibling group anymore, and she’s no longer special/ the princess in the family (all that gives me the ick as she’s a woman in her forties). Could this be similar for you OP? Does SIL see you as diverting attention away from her?

like yours, my SIL refuses to speak about the issue both with me or DH - this has gone on for 14 years and we don’t know why. My advice to you is don’t let her petty behaviour freeze you out of the family - arrange to see MIL without her family - invite MIL to stay at yours for Christmas/ birthdays/ holidays. If there’s a family event go - I know it might not be enjoyable with her there and the atmosphere that will be there but you cannot let her freeze your family out of the picture. Hopefully at one point she will show herself up in front of everyone - to which you will react calmly and with dignity.
good luck OP!

I agree with you - but I don’t think DH should take the DC to family events and leave OP at home- SIL has won then - she gets the family she wants whilst behaving appallingly. SIL and MIL need to learn that OP’s family come as a set - they can’t have a relationship with DC is they disrespect and bully their mother. If only DH and DC go to family events then they are showing that SIL and MIL can pick and choose who they want in the family - that’s not how it works.

Similar to Bridas here; H wasn’t much help
I found I had to retort. Then they act like the ‘victim’!!!!!
Best thing was no contact. They’re ‘so upset’ and can’t understand what they’ve done 😳
Good luck OP

A previous poster corrected me on your sil making it personal and of course she is correct but your sil would pick a fight with anyone whom your husband married and eventually push her out of the family/friendship group as she is toxic and that is what I was trying to explain.
I would make sure your group of friends know it’s an in-law problem and you won’t discuss it to avoid them getting caught in the middle. If sil tries to make them her flying monkeys well that’s on them.

Also if asked why you won’t visit the in laws anymore you just tell the truth, you don’t know what the issue is as sil won’t discuss it with you nor does she want to sort it out and it’s a toxic atmosphere for you and your children so won’t participate in family get togethers.

My advice would be this - as it's your DH's side of the family, I would get him to have a word with the relatives that are blanking you and tell them that if they continue to blank you, then they themselves will be blanked. Neither of you will respond to their queries, requests for help, anything.

Put the ball firmly back in their court.

In the meantime, I'd attend family events, be polite (not gushing) but if they ignore you, don't be afraid to call them out on their rude behaviour by saying to them (probably best doing it on a one to one basis) saying that you have no idea how you could have slighted them but if they feel they were slighted, you apologise for that but they cannot continue to hold whatever it is over you without telling you or without them dealing with it and you are moving on now and you'd appreciate it if they could do the same. (or something like that).

It's good that your DH recognises his Dsis can be immature and creates drama, and if he does fall out with his family it won't be your doing.

I really can't see why your MIL
doesn't tell her to give it a rest, after all your DH is her child too and if her own DD can't be civil to her sons wife she should tell her to grow up.

My mil pulled me to the side to say I was being extremely rude, I explained that sil hadn't spoken to me in a while & I did ask what was wrong

I've no doubt if there is a, genuine or not, reason for your SIL to treat you as she does your MIL will know what it is.

She said she didn't want to get involved

TBF your MIL isn't helping the situation either.
Despite what your MIL says to you she is getting involved by telling you you were rude to SIL but not saying why or giving a valid reason, so she must know.

Chances are the SIL is just not a nice person and knows your MIL won't hear a bad word said against her.

I'd have a word with your DH about future family gatherings, he knows how you feel and it can't be easy being pushed out for no know reason, then make a decision on the outcome.
If he's happy to not go fine, if you decide he goes you don't, again fine.

If he really wants you to join him do so but discuss beforehand that if you're made to feel unwelcome you both leave together, no drama, just a we're going now, say your goodbyes and leave.

If its mentioned by MIL/SIL as to why you left you're under no obligations to say why, the reasons will be pretty obvious to them why and you've tried to talk to them to discuss the ill feeling they didn’t want to know, so that ship has sailed

Some of you have made me really laugh 🤣, some have made me a bit tearful 🥺 with speaking the truth. Which I needed, believe me. I really do hate any uneasy atmosphere but there will be times when we are going to be together. I'm not going to stop going round completely but definitely go round less. I enjoy seeing my dds playing with their cousins. I love the idea someone mentioned, to wink at her 😉 😂. She would definitely loose her shit. If only I could entertain you all with a secret recording. Thank you to each & everyone who have boosted my confidence. X

Why do you have to go round if SIL and from the sounds of it MIL are so rude and mean to you. I'd stay home and let your partner take the kids round once in a blue moon. Have Christmas just you and your family.

But isn't he taking her side by failing to challenge her behaviour to you? Neutrality is not always an option.

Come on OP. Stop being such a wimp and put your teacher hat on. You wouldn't let kids in your class talk to you like shit so why take it from this silly cow? You can't not retaliate to such blatant and open rudeness. I'd say "are you fucking for real you rude cunt, talk to me like that again and I'll smack your face" but then I'm menopausal.

But your DH really needs to have it out with his mum and sister because this situation can't go on.

Your sil is probably loving the fact you are agonising over what you've done wrong when you've not done anything.

Start believing in yourself a bit more. Unless you're missing out a massive drip feed she's full of shit and acting like a child.

Rise above the bullshit and be gracious and strong. Kill them with kindness.

The best revenge is a happy life so choose that for your little unit.

I’ve been there with my BIL. He decided before he even met me that he doesn’t like me. He made my life a living hell. I spoke up. I fought. I stayed quiet. I tried it all. Unfortunately in the end I decided he’s not to be around me or my kid and that eventually led to him and my husband not speaking. Not a choice you ever want your partner to make but if SIL can’t respect his family then strong boundaries need to be established.

Fuck them!

It's her that's the problem not you. She sounds like a nutcase, or a lying narcissist. Sounds like she wants the grandparents to herself or her kids.

I'm sorry I know that you value family but they may not be worth it. Can you see his parents when she's not around or does she live with them?

What was she like when you were friends? Did you witness this behaviour with others? Do you still see the mutual friends or have they continued to ignore you, is there not one of them who you can talk to or trust?

This situations is really difficult, I have been in the same situation. When I had children I tried go arrange a monthly trip to my inlaws , over 100 miles each way. They were always too busy and one weekend my husband rang them on a weekend they were too busy to see us and I couid hear thr other grandchild playing in the e background.
To say I was hurt was an understatement but at that point I was done with it all.
I think it took 15 years for my MIL to like me and one of my SIL still doesn't talk to me which I find hilarious and laugh about it.
Daughters are always closer to thier Mums when they have children, it's just the way it is, it doesn't mean that your MIL doesn't love your children any less, it just her daughter sees more of her.
Hold your head up high rejoice in the fact you have a loving family of your own and just ignore them.
Christmas go but don't put yourself out, chat go your FIL, offer to help and as someone once said to me do a Michelle Obama and just walk in with your head held high and look them in the eye.It works.

I think this sounds awful OP - I'm sorry you are going through it. In my experience, grandparents will soon get sick and tired of doing so much childcare and your SIL's children will be hard work for them as they age.

I would agree as a family unit to back out of any family gatherings that include your SIL, and instead, invite your in-laws over to have a lovely time with you instead. If funds allow, take them out to a light display/to see Santa/to the Pantomime to spend some lovely quality time with your children. They will soon see how great your children are, and how much nicer it is when they don't have to do all the childcare! Ditto, do lovely Sunday Roast, walk and separate Christmas Day with them (doesn't have to be on Christmas Day).

I really wouldn't let your husband go anywhere where your SIL is, without you. It will make you look silly/look like you've both had a row/Will give her the opportunity to bitch about you.

I had HAD let me be clear this SIL.Bwst advice I'd ignore her. She wants a reaction. You are going to be fine your DH is on your side.

She’s a bitch, plain and simple.

She can see that you are a gentle, non confrontational person and despite her DB loving you, she’s bullying you. What she wants is for her and her DC to be front and centre, and for you, and perhaps your DC to be her whipping boys.

What you actually need is for your husband to let rip at his mum and sister and tell them they are a pair of bitches and the next time SIL is rude to you, he’s going to put her down in front of everyone. He needs to command respect, not ask for it nicely.

That’s what’s going on. Your SIL wants all the goodies.

I have a SIL who was a bitch to me, but only behind my back to anyone who’ll listen. She doesn’t have the guts to do it to my face as she knows I’d go for her and not back down and it’d be a hill I’d be prepared to die on. She once disrespected me, and it caused problems with MIL. I made up with the latter, but told SIL I didn’t give a shit whether she and I spoke or not as she was fucking nobody to me. Since then she’s been polite, and I’m polite back but I have nothing to do with her.