Snl doesn't want me to be part of the family 😔

[Hidebehindasmile]

My snl has made it clear she doesn't like me. We used to be great friends & the same mutual friends.

One day I called in at mil home and my sil completely ignores me. I asked had a done something but she just blanked me. I texted her, she blocked me. This went on for months. I found this extremely awkward so I just decided to not bother with her too. My mil pulled me to the side to say I was being extremely rude, I explained that sil hadn't spoken to me in a while & I did ask what was wrong. Mil said maybe I should call less often with dd's, especially when sil is there. I asked did she know something I didn't? She said she didn't want to get involved 😮. My dh spoke to his sister & she told him I was not to be trusted & he could do better than me, he hung up in anger with her. Mutual friends recently told me that she said I'm draining my dh finically (we are both teachers & split all the bills), he used to be fun until he married me. Because she blocked me my dh messaged to see what was going on. I apparently made it all up. I reached out to the mutual friends to ask was this all true what they said. I was ignored.

My mum passed away 3 years ago. My dad left my mum when me & my brother were little. I have a wonderful cousin who tries to reassure me that my snl is the problem not me. Family gatherings will be happening for the run up to Christmas & I don't want my snl to get to me. I just wish I knew what I did or what I was supposed to have done. Any suggestions?

Your DH has made his choice of a life partner, and the views of your sil, mil and any mutual friends are completely irrelevant.

I think you go along to family gatherings and act as normal. Grit your teeth & smile. Don't rise to any nastiness.

If your DH sees them treating you with discourtesy, I imagine he will intervene or decide to come home early. After that, spend time with your friends.

Then his family will have a decision to make, treat you well or lose contact with their son/brother.

Snl? Do you mean sister in law? SIL.

Has DH spoken to MIL about her advice. I think as a family, you, DH and the kids should follow MIL advice and not see them.

I would t be meek and mild and sit cowering in the corner staring at your feet wondering g what you did wrong!

Stand tall and smirk and wink at the bitch, for that is what she is.

Rehearse some good out downs that you can use if she opens her trap and tries to start an argument.

My biggest fear is my husband falling out with his family, especially over me. I think family is important & he has supported me. I don't want him to have to choose. My nlaws are loosing out of so much of their beautiful grandkids. They spend all their time with my snl kids. I want everything to be out in the open, fix whatever I said or did. Im completely broken 😢. 💔

I'm questioning myself all the time, what did I do?

Sorry yes, SIL.

You think we should stop visiting?

@Amarige 🤣🤣 thank you for that much needed laugh, wink at the bitch 😉

You haven’t done anything wrong but icing you out now means that dh will be iced out of any inheritance in the future.

I think she is thinking long term and the fact you have heard differing reasons as to why you have been ostracised means that none of those applies and the reason is something else entirely. A reason she can not say because it is so patently untrue or just so ridiculous or awful that shecwould look inhinged

I would distance myself. they sound toxic. Sil is already ghosting you.Mil asked you to reduce visits. Why would you run after these people. Let go and focus on your own little family and friends. I would skip Xmas staff too with them. Been in this situation. The sooner you realise you are better off without them the better.

She sounds jealous? I’d 100% be nicing her in situations where she can’t ignore you, ie in group situations. The worse she gets, the smilier and more gracious you get. Lots of eye contact and making conversation directly with her. When she can’t take it anymore and flounces out, or shouts at you, you are 100% innocent and ask what the problem is, is she feeling ok etc. Very satisfying to nice somebody awful.

unless there’s some massive backstory here she sounds a bit too invested in her brother’s life.

If you got on at all before something happened/ something pushed it to this. I wonder if your dh refused to do something because of money or told her he couldn’t do something or he had responsibilities etc etc

I think Christmas may be your opportunity to get things out in the open, meeting any invitations to spend time with them with a polite ‘No thank you, it’s clear sil has an issue with me to which you are all privy, but won’t discuss with me, and l don’t feel comfortable in your company until it’s resolved’. That way you can’t be accused of anything underhand as you’ve told them clearly what the problem is and why they won’t be seeing you. If you’re worried about DH’s relationship with his family, maybe give him the opportunity to go to any family gatherings alone or with the kids. Send the message loud and clear that you’re not prepared to engage with their shit.

There is definitely no background story with her & my husband.

I'd love the confidence to do what you have said. She knows I'm not good at confrontations. Not so long ago, in inlaws kitchen, she asked me what i was looking at. I said i was looking at you when you were talking & she said i wasn't talking to you. I wished the ground to swallow me up. I always like to keep the peace. People outside the family think that she is wonderful. If ony they could see what's she really like. It's like she is 2 completely different people.

I've been there and it can really drain you. In my situation my sil and parents in law felt threatened by someone new coming into the family etc in the end I distanced myself and it was the best thing I could do in the situation and surrounded myself with people who do love me. It's hard to accept but it's about learning not to take things personally and about accepting some things do not work out. I was very upset and annoyed that my husband wasn't being stronger with his family and it did nearly break us but I realised in the end that he had been upset too by it and was also a victim in the situation.

'She knows I'm not good at confrontations.'

You don't have to be confrontational you can be confident in yourself and assertive though.

You're a teacher so you must be able to command some kind of authority!

The problem is that some people like your sister in law see meekness as your being a doormat that they can wipe their feet on.

The more they wipe their feet on you the more your shrink and cower, feeling that you did something wrong to cause this when in truth you haven't.

Me, aid jab her in the chest and say, "What's your problem? I've had enough of your childish behaviour, if you've taken umbrage to something I have said or done then have the guts to tell me instead of being pathetic and ignoring me!'

WTF?! Your recent update makes it clear she's a bitch, and a bully. Who says that beyond yhe tweenage years?! Like hell would I be nice. I'd be asking her problem in front of everyone and let the chips fall

@Yalta ive never thought about inheritance, that's not even on my radar.

@Ginandloganberry I'm glad you have found your ground & well done for them not coming between you & ur husband. It's so emotionally draining. I keep thinking I'm this really bad person. I'm far fm perfect btw!!!

Are your DDs your DH children? If yes then even more bizarre that your MIL would be offish if it would mean seeing her own grandchildren less.

I agree with others. Learn some assertive behaviour and phrases and don't be such a pushover. Take MIL at her word and visit less. She'll soon regret her choice if it means she doesn't get to see her GC.

OP she’s actively looking for confrontation with you, so at some point you need to stop yourself from shrivelling up when she does, because that’s the reaction she’s looking for - you’re her victim and you have to put on your big girl pants and challenge her, otherwise it will just escalate until it becomes intolerable.

I posted upthread because l think Christmas is your opportunity to bring things to a head. Make it clear that you won’t be attending any family gatherings with in laws unless/ until things are resolved because they all clearly know what the problem is and are keeping you in the dark - thereby enabling SiL’s batshit treatment of you. That’s unacceptable and you don’t have to put up with it. And if you find yourself confronted by SiL in a similar way again, rise up and challenge her - a simple ‘what did you mean by that’, or ‘how dare you speak to me like that, who do you think you are’ said loudly so everyone else can hear. She’s a bully, and you’re giving her the satisfaction of a bully every time she reduces you to a shrivelling embarrassed wreck, wishing the ground would swallow you up.

Keeping the peace is not an option here. She won’t allow it.

Sometimes you need to move away from the situation and move on and that's what I've done with my in laws. They've come crawling back recently and i know they know they behaved badly. I will keep them at arms reach from now on! Just not interested in getting into that again! Also I quite enjoy the quiet time when my husband takes the kids to see them lols

Sounds hard. Your MIL sounds weak. But I think you/ DH need an honest conversation with her:

• I know you don't want to get involved and we don't want to put you in the middle
• we've done nothing wrong but clearly SIL is upset and we don't want to damage the relationship you have with her
• we'd love for us and our DC to be close to you (and FIL?) - how can we best allow that to happen,

When you're around SIL just ignore her, but don't stoop to her level. In the incident you described when she agged on you for looking at her I'd maybe have said "Let's not make a fuss. mIL, can I help with dinner?) Practice minimising and deflecting her meanness. Even passive aggressive, "oh I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that" -people do tend to get embarrassed repeating their nastiness.

@BilboBlaggin yes they are his kids. I'm going to sound jealous here but I'm not. My nlaws always have her kids. She works p/t & even on her days off, they have her kids. I can count on 1 hand how many times they have taken my dd's out. Even typing this out makes me sad, it's clear to see the difference.

In an ideal world grandparents would treat their grandchildren (or children) equally. That rarely happens, people always play favourites ime.

If your SIl said that to me, I would say oh well, shrug or not react at all. Do not give her the dopamine hit of your reaction to her rudeness.

Sometimes, you need to plan your reaction in advance so you aren't caught of guard. Take a look at Jefferson Fisher on InstaGram. He is an attorney and gives advice about reactions or scripts.

If my MIl asked me not to call with my DC to prioritise her DDs, my oh and I would agree a way forward. Why can't your MIL visit your DC? I wouldn't let my DC be around that toxicity.

Tbh I wouldn't be going to any family Christmas parties. Would just have a quiet one at home with my family and basically leave them to it. If your MIL isn't even going to fill you in on the issue I don't see the point in spending time with any of them if you just feel like you will be walking on egg shells.

Often Grandparents find it easier to interact with their own daughter's children rather than son's (and vice versa- you see grandparents on here all the time complaining that they don't see their son's children as much as the inlaws do)..On the other point i would just try and avoid your SIL- arrange to visit your inlaws when she isn't there ( or get your DH to arrange it). DO you go round without DH?
Has your DH witnessed how she treats you- or does she do it behind everyone's back and then deny it?