Snl doesn't want me to be part of the family 😔

[Hidebehindasmile]

My snl has made it clear she doesn't like me. We used to be great friends & the same mutual friends.

One day I called in at mil home and my sil completely ignores me. I asked had a done something but she just blanked me. I texted her, she blocked me. This went on for months. I found this extremely awkward so I just decided to not bother with her too. My mil pulled me to the side to say I was being extremely rude, I explained that sil hadn't spoken to me in a while & I did ask what was wrong. Mil said maybe I should call less often with dd's, especially when sil is there. I asked did she know something I didn't? She said she didn't want to get involved 😮. My dh spoke to his sister & she told him I was not to be trusted & he could do better than me, he hung up in anger with her. Mutual friends recently told me that she said I'm draining my dh finically (we are both teachers & split all the bills), he used to be fun until he married me. Because she blocked me my dh messaged to see what was going on. I apparently made it all up. I reached out to the mutual friends to ask was this all true what they said. I was ignored.

My mum passed away 3 years ago. My dad left my mum when me & my brother were little. I have a wonderful cousin who tries to reassure me that my snl is the problem not me. Family gatherings will be happening for the run up to Christmas & I don't want my snl to get to me. I just wish I knew what I did or what I was supposed to have done. Any suggestions?

Thank you to all your supportive replys

Lots to think about but yes big girl pants are going to be put on 🤣.

Ah was she trying to ensure she didn’t lose the focus from her parents and have to share their childcare with your kids? Did your kids come after she had hers?
it’s so common that grandparents favour their daughters kids over the sons. It’s a horrible feeling :(
I would have it out with his family; the sil is actively bullying you and I’d want to know why. I wouldn’t be in their presence whilst this was being allowed to continue and if I was your DH I wouldn’t stand by and watch my partner treated this way. If this does come between DH and his family it doesn’t sound like that would be your fault.

Don't go to family gatherings just let DH go alone. It's hard at first, you'll free dreadful and like you're not good enough but after a while of not being around them it's so liberating. I love DH going to visit his family without me now, I get some lovely downtime and don't think of them at all 💐

@Anxiouswaffle I've called in many a time without dh & plenty off times with him. Yes he has seen 1st hand how she treats me. He said she was like that growing up & he would have ignored her 'drama'. He has made it clear to her that he doesn't like or approve the way she treats me. But she doesn't seem to care. I said earlier I do not wish for him to take sides. I wouldn't put him in that situation

There are always posts like this on Mumsnet and it usually follows the same pattern. Brother/Sister (in-laws) still living at home way beyond most people moving our and living independently. Suddenly/gradually they begin icing out the one married in. I do think it is a form of jealousy. Your SIL has made false claims about financial abuse and says he used to be fun before he met you. What does that mean - well she thinks her brother he doesn't have time for her now he is married and has a full time job as a teacher.

You have your answer now - stop pushing, stop chasing. Do you have to go over every time? Can your DH visit alone? Use that time to enjoy company of friends. Don't look towards your MIL for support or a stand in mother. She has made her choice by letting her daughter behave like this towards a guest in her home. In fact her suggesting you come less in order not to upset her rude lying daughter but have stopped me attending full stop.

If you must go - do not give your SIL any power. Ignore her completely. No chasing. Let it be known you feel sorry for her - no relationship, still living at home, initialised with her mum making excuses for her and her jealous of her brother because he has a life.

@Muthaofcats I had dd 1st, then she had her two close together & I have a 4 year gap between mine.

@Kitkatcatflap she is married but might as well live at her parents home. My dh & I have done the student life. Maybe that was when he was "fun". I find him great fun ☺️. He makes me laugh, he loves me & our dd's. He loves his sister, he just knows how to handle her better than myself. But I will get there 🫣

Be prepared for your MIL to continue to prioritise her other GC. If she doesn't miss or want to see your DC, that is very much HER loss. Your DH (not you) is responsible for keeping and open door or maintaining that relationship. He can ask them over to your house or you could go somewhere neutral. I would not invite SIL.

They may rewrite history to say you prevented them from seeing their GC. That's on them. Some families initialise their male offspring and demonise their partners. Women are not responsible for their partner's actions or lack of participation.

It is normal for people to prioritise their children and partners. Family life is busy and it can be hard to fit things in or be as fun and care free as we were before responsibilities.

I think it's ok to be annoyed and need some reflection time before talking. This is not what your SIL is doing. She is punishing you without explaining your crime. This is phycological warfare, actions and words meant to harm you.

Even if you did something awful, that is not right or fair. ( I'm sure this will be trivial or imagined) She/your MIL/everyone else seems to know what the issue is. If she wanted to sort it out, you would know what the issue is too.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's up to your SIL if she wants to ignore you or be rude. It's up to you if you actually want to make up after this. Even if someone offers an apology, you don't have to accept it. YOU can move on without them.

@MandarinDentistTiger thank you for all that you have said. It felt very empowering. It's lovely to know there are genuine people on this forum who cheer others on. Much appreciated 🙌

Is it somthing to do with the kids? Are yours quicker to hit milestones? Better behaved? Whatever it is she doesn’t want to say because it’s ridiculous, probably with jealousy at the root.

Such a waste of time and energy! But I am willing to bet if your MIL did get involved that the bitch SIL would make her suffer too by not letting her see the golden grand kids.

As others have said -through their own actions, if Dh wants to go and take the kids or just himself, let it happen and you enjoy yourself at home with a bit of peace!

Don't waste time with people who are toxic.

@NoBodyIdRatherBe I think all our children are well behaved & I can't see a reason for her to be jealous but atm who knows 🙄

Did you tell your DH that your MIL asked you to reduce the number of times you and your dc go to her house? What was his reaction?

They are his dc too so he deserves to know that she said she only wants minimal contact.

That is the one and only point I would want to have resolved.
(SIL is playing games. Don’t even bother engaging with her at all until she grows up)

So I would tell DH about what MIL said,- if you haven’t already, and then suggest that you both invite her over to your house for a nice meal and you can all calmly talk it out and find out exactly what the problem is/was in her not wanting to see you so often. Find out exactly how much contact she wants and make sure she realises that you are a firm unit and come as a family. In other words, neither her nor her other daughter can split you up.
Suggest to her that you won’t be going to her house as a family of four unless invited because of feeling very unwelcome in the past but she will always be welcome at your home to spend time with you all without any bad feeling whatsoever.

I wouldn’t bother with SIL again. It is clear that she thinks you aren’t good enough for her brother and she is determined to split you up. You have plenty of evidence of that so don’t give her another thought. There is no logic to her nastiness.
But make sure you never talk about her or complain about her in front of MIL.

Just concentrate on trying to clear the air with MIL. Well away from SIL. On your previously agreed terms with DH. At your own home not hers. Stay away from her home unless invited and made welcome properly.

If you attend a gathering at MIL’s to which you have all been properly invited and SIL is there, remain polite and pleasant but stick close to your DH so that he can witness her behaviour. Agree this with your husband before hand and agree to stay for just a couple of hours. If she is rude to you, agree with him that you immediately leave without causing a fuss or drama. After that, you can choose not to accept invitations where you know she will be present.

You have done nothing wrong OP. Keep it that way. Don’t get drawn into nasty comments back and forth. That’s not you. Repair the broken relationship with your MIL if possible but don’t even bother trying to make good with the nonsense from SIL. You have better things to think about.

I think you have to grey rock it. Continue to see your mil as usual. Don't think about sil, if she's there chat normally and occasionally ask her a question (in front of everyone. (If she ignores you continue talking and ignore it)

If mil says you don't talk to sil say but you saw me ask xyz last week and she didn't answer me. How can I talk to her if she doesn't answer.

Who's telling you what sil has been saying? If they bring it up say, it's not helpful to get into this I don't want to hear it.

Then enjoy your life with out sil

What’s the other side of the story?

I think your DH is taking sides. He is allowing his childhood bully, to scapegoat and treat you badly in front of your DC. This unacceptable.

He is so far into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and childhood trauma, that he cannot see how toxic this behaviour is from his family and himself.

You don't need to participate in a every argument you are called to. Set a boundary for yourself. It is important for him to take your DD to see his parents. He can ask his parents to make time when SIL is NOT there or to ensure she does not disparage you in your/your DC presence. This needs to be him, he is already taking sides and playing the role in his family he always does. You don't want that for him and your DC.

I had similar with my SIL many years ago, in my case I did call sil who plainly told me she didn't like me and why, but absolutely none of it made sense. It lasted 6 yrs, I don't know what I did wrong, I tried to find out but I never really did find out. I have suspicions that she was jealous of me and I was treated appallingly. Everyone got caught up in the crossfire.

I always treated sil with kindness. I limited my exposure to the in laws behaviour and would visit at Christmas, birthdays etc but beyond that I did little. I made sure everyone was welcome to visit (they rarely did).

It was horribly stressful and lonely as I had no idea how to be accepted. I look back and I know I didn't do anything to deserve how I was treated and I don't think it was about me, i think sil was unhappy and I was someone she could vent her frustrations on. You have my sympathies x

Difficult for OP to know if nobody will tell her. If you don’t know what, or even if you’ve done wrong it’s hard to know what the resolution will look like.

Hi OP, I think you have to kind of grey rock. I have a similar SIL, although we are civil. We share different views and have different ideas in bringing up children. I'm not sure how she thinks inside - quite negatively. I would say she has real issues and seems to revel in other's unhappiness. I would call her a negative energy so I choose to see her less.

Please continue to build a life around you, other friends and activities. Don't let them hold so much control over your life, do the family stuff if you have to but ignore her. Think about all the things that would make you happy that don't involve them.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread but I find having made my life whole without my ILs has been the easiest thing to do.

I agree, he’s key. Why has he not confronted her and his mum about the difference in treatment between golden child-your sil-and him? It’s up to him to have a proper sit down and sort this. Is he just burying his head in the sand and ignoring this, hoping it’ll go away, meanwhile you and your dc are told not to come round so often?! Insane.

Not initialise

Infantilise - treat (someone) as a child or in a way which denies their maturity in age or experience.

Some people there is no reason why. Could be something really mundane, then seeing it hurt you spurs them on. They thrive off of drama and confrontations.

I would not bother to go to gatherings or events with them. If they ask, you can say "wouldn't want to upset SIL as your presence affects her so much and you understand they all feel it's best avoided as previously stated and you would like to ensure she feels comfortable :), let you know if they would like to see grandchildren another day as they miss their grannny/grandad :P"

And never mention her or react :) if they bring her up, look nonplussed and say "it's all so bizarre, i have no idea why she is so upset" then change topic.

The less energy you give the better, the fire will run out of fuel, or a one sided hatred is rather exposing and people get bored of entertaining ludicrous hostility.

Also if you actually did something everyone would know 😅 she would love to have ammo with her behaviour..but she doesn't so can't say anything concrete..

Don’t let her get to you. Instead, the best way to diffuse the power of someone ‘icing you’ to just to pretend not to notice any atmosphere and be unfailingly polite.

She can’t keep b1tching about you to the rest of the family if everyone can see you’re nothing but nice and she’s the only one being horrid. If it’s too hard to say something nice to her personally, then be neutral towards her and friendly to her kids. You can even pay her a compliment through the kids. For example, if the kids say please or thank you, you can say “Such lovely, polite children! Your mummy is teaching you well!”. It has to be genuine though, so choose something you actually can compliment.

If you bump into her one-to-one, just act like you’d do with a grumpy work colleague and keep your face neutral (think: customer service professional on a complaints desk). Repeat a little mantra in your head like ‘no one can make me feel inferior except myself’.

Offer everyone a cup of tea, including her.

When they go low…

What's a SNL?

If your husband not falling out with his family is what is important to you (and I tend to agree) go to family gatherings, smile, be pleasant.
stop asking mutual friends about it. If you see them say something dismissive like ‘it’s all blow over I’m seeing them over Christmas’ . Act like everything is absolutely fine and see her as little as possible (but when you do be blind to her ignoring you).