Snl doesn't want me to be part of the family 😔

[Hidebehindasmile]

My snl has made it clear she doesn't like me. We used to be great friends & the same mutual friends.

One day I called in at mil home and my sil completely ignores me. I asked had a done something but she just blanked me. I texted her, she blocked me. This went on for months. I found this extremely awkward so I just decided to not bother with her too. My mil pulled me to the side to say I was being extremely rude, I explained that sil hadn't spoken to me in a while & I did ask what was wrong. Mil said maybe I should call less often with dd's, especially when sil is there. I asked did she know something I didn't? She said she didn't want to get involved 😮. My dh spoke to his sister & she told him I was not to be trusted & he could do better than me, he hung up in anger with her. Mutual friends recently told me that she said I'm draining my dh finically (we are both teachers & split all the bills), he used to be fun until he married me. Because she blocked me my dh messaged to see what was going on. I apparently made it all up. I reached out to the mutual friends to ask was this all true what they said. I was ignored.

My mum passed away 3 years ago. My dad left my mum when me & my brother were little. I have a wonderful cousin who tries to reassure me that my snl is the problem not me. Family gatherings will be happening for the run up to Christmas & I don't want my snl to get to me. I just wish I knew what I did or what I was supposed to have done. Any suggestions?

Gosh, OP, she’s certainly got you exactly where she wants you, doesn’t she? She’s openly unpleasant to and about you, has managed to get your MIL to ask you to visit less and cost you friends, and your response is to keep meekly trotting along to occasions that offer her new opportunities to be rude and tormenting yourself about what you’ve done, because you’re ’bad at confrontation’ and don’t want your DH to choose.

For the love of god, OP, yours is the only behaviour you can change here. At the moment, what you have trained everyone to think is that @Hidebehindasmile can be mistreated at will and will still come crawling back.

OP likely does know though. How often do we see posts on here from the other side where a MIL/SIL is upset saying they don’t know what they’ve done wrong to be treated like XYZ, only for the poster to say that they do know perfectly well.

OP said she and this SIL were good friends and she suddenly blanked her. Clearly something happened for that to be the case, and IMO it’s unlikely that the OP doesn’t know what that is.

That doesn’t mean that it might not have been something petty or a misunderstanding, but there are generally three sides to every story….

I wouldn’t be taking the dc to mils on my own anymore. Ever. Mil can go whistle.

She sounds like one of my high school bullies "what are you looking at". (Is she quite young?) It must be horrible, I'm sorry. It does sound like it's something going on inside her rather than something you've done. Someone else suggested jealousy and that seems the easiest to believe. Really there's no controlling whatever is malfunctioning in her brain to see you as the enemy. Bullies enjoy power over other people, maybe the best defence is (feigned) indifference. Pretend and practice being oblivious to her bullying, be "nice". Hope she doesn't spoil your Christmas fun.x

Agree. It could easily be that SiL has taken offence at something the OP maybe wouldn’t see as an issue. But the ‘I’m offended and you’ve got to guess what you did’ attitude is ridiculous and she has the other family members playing along, thus enabling her behaviour to the point where she’s rude and aggressive to OP at every opportunity - that’s the MO of a bully. Just say what’s on your mind, sort it out and move on. Anything else should have been left behind in the playground years ago. It’s toxic to still be playing these games as adults.

She’s a piece of work and the mother is no better.
The best thing you can do here is work on your own life and enriching it with people you like…. and who love you!
I know it’s hard but only have contact when it’s necessary and you have DH with you. Smile and be polite. Give nothing away.
This SIL knows she has upset you and you are confused - that’s what she wants. She wants to cause trouble in your marriage. Stop your DH from speaking to any of the family about it, it’s not helping.
He doesn’t have to choose - let him go and see his family when he wants to and please don’t worry about inheritance it’s not the issue.
What would your SIL hate? To see you happy and confident, enjoying your life, DC, DH and career.
It is really hard but it’s the best way to live.
Do not waste your precious time on someone like this. Use your energy to enjoy your own life.

OP some people just need to always hate someone. If you really can't think of any reason there probably isn't one. Just either be kind or aloof. Don't beg her to like you anymore.

She is being a horrible bully to you. I know it is difficult to be confident with such people, but for the sake of your sanity and self esteem I would distance yourself. There is no reason to let her take your self esteem away. In any case it would not be a good influence on your children to see you being treated like this. You deserve better. Have a nice quiet Christmas at home with your little family and leave the in laws to stew.

She sounds like a bully. Next time someone speaks to you like that you should walk out.

I’d just ignore the whole thing and have MIL to your house as much as possible. Treat her a little she must find it ghastly being stuck in the middle. You don’t have to insert yourself into their life at home, instead add extra.

MIL is also faciltatiting this "doesnt want to get involved "shit but actively asking you not to bring your own child their grandchild. However your DH has your back though he has been affected by his sisters behaviour throughout his life so as others have said impacted by FOG. You BOTH need a planned strategy to either challenge this /distance or both options, i.e challenge initially then distance if that appears the only option left. The main goal is for you both to advocate on behalf of your child. Im a bit like you OP a peacemaker. Though when my children were being unfairly treated by my IL's it didnt take long for me to find my big girl pants. Im a bit proud of myself in that moment i calmly and assertively challenged evey one as they supported the unjustness. Am sure you will find your voice as will your DH ! I would wish you both luck but somehow i dont think youll need it!

I couldn't be doing with all this pointless drama. Drop the pair of them, SIL and MIL. Neither of them value you or your children. So fuck them. Get on with you own life and don't allow them to be part of it.

Attempting to resolve this at Christmas is very poor advice in my opinion.

If it backfires in any way you will always bee seen to be 'the one that ruined Christmas'. She will say it confirms what she thinks of you

If anything it maybe she, a bottle of wine in, who blows up and ruins it for everyone else showing everyone the person she is.

I'd have already challenged her by now, but as you haven't I'd leave it the New Year at least

I'm sorry this happened to you, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about SIL and MIL, or friends, to fix the relationships. Yes it is painful. I also think you need to speak with your husband as this will test your relationship and priorities, as he will be navigating between his family of origin and his own, and his own likely mixed feelings. How were yours (and his) relationships with his family before?

The bully bitch has been pandered too with no consequences to her behaviour. Sorry to say this she knows she can bully you - you need to find your voice - she won’t like it - but I agree to grey Rock - learning a few phrases to respond to her. I wonder if it’s worth both you and your husband challenging her - no doubt she will become the victim!!! She’s very damaged. - probably jealous.

Don’t know why it posted like that!!! 😁

You may have done nothing wrong. Just grit your teeth and be openly pleasant. Don’t rise to it. I have one who is a malicious liar and tries to provoke reactions. She lives with PIL and has minimized their relationship with GC - live near ish and see them twice a year. Smiling grey rock, but also celebrate things without them. Don’t let it drag you down. At least DH is supportive.

People are strange as Jim Morrison sang. I have some practical advice , as others have posted much better analysis than I can come up with.
Watch Abbot Elementary on Disney, you are a teacher so you will appreciate the school stuff, and next time your SIL is a mean cow to you just say whatever Ava Colman or Melissa Schumentti would say in that situation. If you are too nice for that say what Barbara Howard would say.
You can't win so you may as well enjoy watching a great comedy show, I work in a school you have enough nonsense at work.

Your dh needs to be doing more!

If you've told him what sil said to you in the kitchen and that mil has asked you to reduce visits and he's done nothing about this, then you very much have a dh problem!

What he should be doing is telling his sister that he won't be exposing his family or himself to her rude behaviour any longer. And if his mum wishes to see him and the kids, she will need to do so at your home, at a mutually convenient time. You won't be visiting hers again.

His job is to defend you. You aren't making him choose sides - his family did that when they started to behave so disrespectfully towards you!

I suspect that if your dh does this, you'll see them a lot less but I'm not viewing that as a bad thing necessarily. Your husband has already seen that his parents have favourites and as parents, you've a responsibility to not expose your own children to the same shit going down the generations.

But you have to find some courage because at the moment you and dh are letting his family bully you.

I’ve been waiting for someone to say this. DH may be well versed in his sisters ways but that doesn’t mean this is ok.

what she is doing is nasty and you may well be a bit meek and non confrontational but as soon as this involves/impacted your children (e.g mil saying for you to come over less, sil and mil making you feel like crap at mil house), then that should have given you and DH the cold smack you need.

im not saying it’s easy but these are your kids and you have to advocate for them no and in the future. Not only is mil basically saying and behaving like your kids and second best, but they are both activity pushing you out of the family (also don’t forget this behaviour may move over to your kids one day as they don’t seem to have any scruples).

That was me. If OP attends any Christmas gatherings with in laws the possibility of this issue rearing its head again is ever present. I’d bet the farm that SiL will engineer confrontation, and however OP responds beyond meek acceptance of yet more of SiL’s shitty attitude - and as you say, very possibly fuelled by alcohol - she will be wrong ‘because Christmas’. Better to nip this in in the bud and refuse the invitations being crystal clear as to why she won’t be attending social gatherings with a bunch of immature hypocrites hell bent on enabling a bully.

I would go to the family gatherings, blank her and carry on as usual as if nothing had happened. If anyone says anything just stare at them, pause, and change the subject to something banal. Why should you as a teacher be brow beaten by some other person when you do a good job, are a good partner etc. Sounds like there may be some jealousy or you ring some bells she doesn't like the sound of i.e. you've got your life together. Be brave, bold, and boundary strong.

Please post a link to a Mumsnet thread where we do get both sides of the story.

OP, one of the biggest mistakes people make is to assume or believe that they must have done something wrong. If you have been honest with yourself and know that you have not been rude or cheeky towards the in-laws, then you need to stop asking yourself what you’ve done wrong and tell yourself - firmly - that they are not nice people. It is not normal or acceptable within a caring family for someone to say ‘I wasn’t talking to you.’ That is designed to be rude - to put down the other person. Parents will do it occasionally if one DC is butting in when you’re talking to the other DC - but it really is not normal to say that to your brother’s wife/partner.

Add that to the other comments, and you e got an unpleasant set of in laws. So what you have to decide now is how to respond. You cannot control how they behave, but you can control how you respond. As a teacher you must surely have a firm voice- so use it.

Practise responses to likely comments and scenarios. If I were you - and I’m grateful I’m not !! - I’d keep contact minimal, stay cheery when I’m there, and make sure DH knows what you expect him to do if you are subjected to rudeness.

Sorry, but the truth is often that daughters get way more support than sons for grandchild care, and for closeness with family. This is really hard to overcome becuase truth is that mums will feel way closer to daughters when they have their own kids. Most of time. We always want our mums about to support us, not mil. So it then follows that DIL and therefore son are out on a bit of a limb. Your mil is always going to support her own daughter more than you.
so this “she does more for them than us” is a red herring really…even in most lovely of DIL and mil relationships, a daughter will always get more support (unless there’s a backstory around mum and daughter issues).

what’s not the red herring, is how sil treats you. That’s the issue. I would try to do EVERYTHING you can to avoid low contact or non comms situation. It is a toxic and damaging thing to do, unless there is actual criminal abuse levels going on. As other have said, rise above it, ignore it, know in yourself it is her not you as she DOES NOT KNOW YOU. eventually she’ll tire of being a bully if you don’t respond. Smile sweetly, refuse to engage in her comments, just laugh at bat shit questions like “what are you looking at?” …fake it till you make it. Get dh on your side and ask for his advice on how you can ignore and rise above it , get his feedback on tweaks to approaches you try with her. Remember she is NOT important to you, she is important to your husband. Her views on you are purely based on the stories she is telling herself about the wife of her brother. That is not who you are- you are a person in your own right that she doesn’t know.