Snl doesn't want me to be part of the family 😔

[Hidebehindasmile]

My snl has made it clear she doesn't like me. We used to be great friends & the same mutual friends.

One day I called in at mil home and my sil completely ignores me. I asked had a done something but she just blanked me. I texted her, she blocked me. This went on for months. I found this extremely awkward so I just decided to not bother with her too. My mil pulled me to the side to say I was being extremely rude, I explained that sil hadn't spoken to me in a while & I did ask what was wrong. Mil said maybe I should call less often with dd's, especially when sil is there. I asked did she know something I didn't? She said she didn't want to get involved 😮. My dh spoke to his sister & she told him I was not to be trusted & he could do better than me, he hung up in anger with her. Mutual friends recently told me that she said I'm draining my dh finically (we are both teachers & split all the bills), he used to be fun until he married me. Because she blocked me my dh messaged to see what was going on. I apparently made it all up. I reached out to the mutual friends to ask was this all true what they said. I was ignored.

My mum passed away 3 years ago. My dad left my mum when me & my brother were little. I have a wonderful cousin who tries to reassure me that my snl is the problem not me. Family gatherings will be happening for the run up to Christmas & I don't want my snl to get to me. I just wish I knew what I did or what I was supposed to have done. Any suggestions?

From your first post, it sounds like SIL feels you visit MIL too often, or are there too much when SHE herself is there. Sounds like she wants MIL all to herself.
You work FT, I think?, so your visiting slots will be much more limited than hers, but can you try to call round when she is NOT there?
I'd suggest just being polite, try your hardest to avoid any passive-aggressive responses (basically turn the other cheek) and don't react to her with anything other than a neutral response. It will drive her NUTS and she will show herself up sooner or later.
Not a great situation for you, hope it resolves or you can at least see SIL less.

Some people are just arseholes and have never got out of school bully/mean girls/drama llama mode. SIL definitely sounds like one, MIL probably too.

Ignoring bullies has never worked in my experience sadly. Calling them out or pushing them out of your life has been the only thing that works for me (I'm a people pleaser too). I know they are family, but I wouldn't be going out of my way for people who have said "call round less".. leave the door open for MIL to see your kids, but I wouldn't be pushing my poor kids forward to get the crumbs.

Enjoy your Christmas OP.

Wow OP she sounds like a child. I didn't realise actual adults ever said 'what you looking at'.
Laugh it off, smile sweetly and don't let her see it is getting to you. She is looking for drama for whatever reason and you just aren't going to play which will annoy her even more. Kill her with niceness as that will absolutely wind her up and she will end up looking deranged when she finally blows.

Also, remember your DH supports you he can see how bat crap crazy she is being and he isn't being pulled into it by her. She isn't important to you so don't let her get to you.

You say you used to be great friends and have the same mutual friends. Was there an occasion where you saw a mutual friend without her? Or has a mutual friend appeared to like you more than her? Even just laughing with someone can make some people feel excluded and jealous. If none of those that you can remember, it might just be that someone said something nice about you which she didn't like. That's no excuse for her behaviour but might give you some sort of clue.
What does FIL think about it all? I agree with others it's best to avoid at all costs and when you have to meet her, just ignore, be polite and don't try and toady round her. Invite PIL to yours and if they won't go for fear of SIL, that will tell you a lot about the family dynamic. Also don't keep asking everyone what you've done wrong as that must give her the satisfaction of knowing she's hurt you. Step aside and don't let the arrows hit you.

Hmm, definitely look up some info on personality disorders and family systems - including scapegoating in families. This sounds like a classic and I speak from experience!

You're worried about the opinion of someone with that attitude? I'd be more concerned if someone like that did like me, she sounds a right bitch.

Let your husband know how it's making you feel, maybe suggest that you'd feel more comfortable having Christmas at home with just your little family, he should be standing up for you, it's his sister.

And in future don't even bother with her, I wouldn't be trying to patch things up with someone like that, let her live her sad little life and just get on with yours. Your MIL also sounds like a bit of a wrong'un too let them go. Let DH do the taking the kids round bit and you stay home and put your feet up. Play them at their own game, being nice is great, but when it's at your own detriment no.

First of all please realise this is not personal, your sil would be like this to anyone her brother was with.
You and your children have been told not to visit so often by your mil as it upsets her daughter so sides have been taken so I would not go to any family event, let your husband visit them with the children if he wants and stop putting yourself in the firing line.
It’s a horrible situation for your children too as any celebrations or get togethers will have an undercurrent of tension and they will eventually notice the snide remarks aimed your way and you being upset because of their behaviour towards you! You and your husband can bring your children up in a caring loving home without all the drama and concentrate on being the family unit the children deserve.

@Rosscameasdoody I totally agree it shouldbe challenged but as it hasn't been to date I wouldn't recommend using the Christmas period to engage. There will be no winners

Agree with this, except that l think it absolutely is personal. Op and SiL were good friends so somewhere along the line, and for whatever reason, SiL has made a conscious decision not only to change her behaviour towards OP, but to keep her reasons for doing so to herself. That’s targeted and very personal.

Were you great friends with her before you got together with her brother?

This.

I would not be visiting them again they both sound awful.

Do not give them the opportunity to treat you like this again.

They can't even tell you what it is you have supposedly done to upset them, if anyone else in the family asks why you didn't go, tell them the truth.

Send the husband and children and get him to tell them why you didn't come, he does need to choose, he chose you when he married you.

From the updates they were friends before OP married and since - until one day SiL decided to blank OP and manipulate her mother into asking OP not to visit as often.

So just rock up, take the abuse and have your Christmas ruined ?

If MIL prioritises her other GC I don't think it is important that Op's husband takes his daughters to see her!

Let him visit if he wants but I'd be keeping myself & my daughters away from the toxic pair!

@Rosscameasdoody
Her husband said he grew up with dramas in his family so that’s what they are like, it would happen to anyone he was with eventually. Friends falling out is one thing but sil is getting her mother involved and making it a family drama, It effects not that OP but her children and husband as well so balls to being part of that toxic family.

Personally I wouldn’t be going anywhere that makes me feel crap and I wouldn’t be putting my children in that situation either.

Have a toxic relative, always has a bitchy comment about me or a snide remark, I’ve removed myself and my children from that situation.

In her eyes you are probably having a brilliant life. Easy kids, you get on well with your DH and in-laws. You are probably attractive and confident in her eyes and you work your money out with DH while she may struggle.

These are examples but there will be a quality about you that she doesn't have and she is envious AF.

There is nothing you can do because this is all about her insecurities. She believes the only way she can be happy is if you are made miserable so that's what she does.

Even if you were living in the street, homeless without your family and destitute she would still not be happy.

You have done nothing wrong except be you and you can't change that and that's what upsets her so much.

The only way to deal with it is to live well and smile, smile, smile and let everything run off you like water off a duck's back. It will make her even more resentful but as you can't win anyway, at least you can laugh about her with your DH and BFFs as in, "you'll never guess how wound up she was this time!"

Sadly, sometimes family dynamics can be treacherous, but it doesn’t sound like you have done anything wrong, and thankfully you have the support of your DH, so that’s a positive. I had one SIL (married to my OH’s older brother) who was very snipey with me when we were first together. She was quite blunt anyway, but finding a younger, confident, well liked female waltzing into her “territory” was very difficult for her, and she passed some very cutting comments occasionally. I just ignored them at first, smiled and carried on politely, until she tried it at a big get together. Upon her passing some snide comment, this time loud enough for more than me to hear (folks did go quiet🫣) I just turned and asked the room if anyone could hear a distressed cat meowing! Cue gales of laughter from other family members, and that utterly put a stop to her picking on me. We didn’t have to see each other much really, but we remained polite, no one had to take sides. Funnily enough, see a good bit more now, and time has mellowed her, we get on ok now.
Stand tall OP, be polite, smile sweetly and wait your chance to drop in a belter of a conversation stopper if things don’t improve. Polite indifference is a lot more empowering than getting into an argument.😈

She sounds awful and her family (your MIL and your DH) are enabling her terrible behaviour probably because after a lifetime of it, they have figured out it's the easiest way for a peaceful time.

You will have to decide where your boundaries lie on this. You can go along with keeping the peace - turning up and putting up with SIL's antagonising comments and MIL's suggestions of reducing time with you and GC on your side. If you do that, I would advise being armed and ready for it so as not to allow SIL's spiky comments "I wasn't talking to you" to belittle you. An eye roll "of course dear, don't mind me" and busy yourself with serving food, clearing up, playing with the kids. I think my line would be if my kids were of an age when they notice this treatment and/or the treatment trickles down to them too. I wouldn't want them to pick up that it is ok to be treated like that.

Family is great when it is good. I am sorry you don't have your own large family, but if his are toxic then they are not 'better than nothing'. You can make other meaningful relationships and connections that are better for you and for your kids than spending time with bullies and appeasers.

😂😂 ME TOO but I'm petty

I would kill them all with kindness but also do the SNEAKY winks at SIL

Poor you. SIL sounds deranged.
Be glad you are kind and try to ignore her.

I think DH should talk to his mother and ask her opnion. I will be interesting if she says to him that you should all stop visiting.

Likewise.

All too often, family will become increasingly hostile because they know that there is no foundation to their activities and exclusion of you. It's rare for there to be a Damascene conversion, it's more likely that if challenged they need to double down on the imagined events and slights to justify (what can be decades of) their bizarre behaviour.

Just avoid her, she hates u no point in being around her.

Oh dear op. I have been here. Sorry but its time to move on and let them go. Its bad enough you are being bullied and rejected by both your Sil and Mil. Shame on her because she will lose her son and be left with the prize that is her dd.
Move on, no more trying to keep the peace. They are already making it clear your children are second best. I didnt want my girls spending their childhoods wondering what they had done wrong like me.
Being supportive of your DH whilst fine does not give them permission to reject and bully you - and the children. SIL wants you out. I might sound harsh but remove yourself from this.