to have not lost my rag at ward sister

[TheTidyBear]

Spent 18 hours in A&E with elderly Dad in a corridor after he had a fall, they forgot to give him food, so I had to get some from the canteen, messed up his bloods twice, couldn't get pills into him so I had to help with that that. Also someone coughing up their lungs right next to me and Dad for several hours. There was also an incident where one of the patients in the mental health unit who was having an episode decided to start shouting at everyone in A&E.

Once he got onto a ward, I did a 2 hour journey home got 2 hours sleep, 2 hour journey back

Went to the nurses station on the ward, asked where my Dad is. Ward sister greeted me "what happened to hello, didn't your parents teach you any manners?"

Was I unreasonable to suppress the absolute rage boiling up in me and apologise and not fly off the fucking handle?

What does she even mean? Does she think the Sister will call a meeting and say "Right, listen up. Mr Smith's daughter was a dick to me, so from now on hide his buzzer, don't fill his water jug, make sure he can't reach his dinner and let him piss the bed." ??

Sorry @TheTidyBear I hope I'm not worrying you further. I think you sound as though you are striking just the right note. They look at you as if you're nuts if you take the obsequious route too.

Polite but direct is good.

I pulled the car over and had a good cry the day Emma Barnett (Woman's Hour) interviewed Merope Mills, who wasn't listened to by staff about her daughter.

Gosh I keep invoking stuff with bad outcomes Tidy I do apologise. I'm just making the point that it's not as if we don't have to be on our guard.

Truly hope your dad is okay.

I am so hoping you are not a nurse. Having had both my parents in hospital whilst frail and vulnerable your comment is horrible.

@TheTidyBear I believe that @Justalittlenaughty is very likely a nurse in our NHS. Scary to contemplate I know. All professions attract nutters and I've seen that healthcare is no exception having spent considerable time in hospital.

And for all you great ones, yes, we know you are there too. And I love the kindness of those who aren't deranged and really care. Staff are up against it so much right now unfortunately.

I'm sure it can drive the compassion out of otherwise good people. You absolutely need to be on your guard and that is horrible. Sister sounds like a dick. She might be having a bad day, she might be a good person otherwise, she might not.

Ward sister greeted me "what happened to hello, didn't your parents teach you any manners".

Yes that is rude. You acted appropriately efficient and in his interests.

OP I hope you are getting some relief and support from a time when your dad is not well. I've been through this, and have sometimes wondered if I've asked enough, but "losing my rag" is not the way to go. Being firm and adamant, if needed is the way to go. There is a difference.

I don't know if you did or don't "lose your rag", but it won't solve anything longer term. I suspect you didn't and my advice is keep asking adamantly and politely if it seems wrong. Ask for the updates from the doctors and nurses but be prepared to be there when they are there.

@Notaurewhy she didn't lose her rag, she actually apologised. It sounds to me as though she was willing to do/say anything to expedite her goal, which was looking out for her dad. She didn't get sidetracked by the rude nurse, she stayed focused.

I believe sometimes people use dramatic language to direct traffic to a thread.

I think the way @TheTidyBear writes shows us that she is a sensible, measured, person.

@TheTidyBear - I think you did very well indeed under the circumstances. I have a mistrust of medical people and have spent many years battling with them. Yes, there are some very good ones. I am up again with insomnia because of worry over a family member

My late husband was left with permanent hemiparesis because a junior doctor was left to cope with A&E and nurses brushed me off when I asked when DH was getting his scan. (By the time a senior doctor came on, 4 hrs had passed and it was too late for a clot busting injection.)

A Charge Nurse in the Acute Stroke ward complained to me that my husband was "refusing to eat" and would have a hypo - her concern seemed to be that they'd be blamed.

At that point, I was perfectly polite, though distressed. I asked why they hadn't contacted a member of the diabetes team to see him.

I'd already had to tell the staff that something was wrong with DH. I thought he'd had another stroke. It was a UTI. His fault, the Charge Nurse told me, for not drinking enough water.

She wanted me to agree to bring in "home cooked food" to persuade him to eat. After she left, his food was brought in: flan and peas on a flat plate, with an ordinary knife and fork. [ETA We weren't allowed to visit during meal times - I was on my way out when the food was brought in.]

My husband couldn't sit up in bed properly at that point. (He'd already had a bad fall after being left alone the evening of the stroke - he'd forgotten he couldn't walk and tried to get up to the loo. He'd also fallen out of an ordinary armchair - they'd not had him seen by an OT to sort out a suitable chair and I'd queried that. He was black down one side.)

His left hand didn't work at all. His right hand shook - the stroke had mainly hit his left side, but was more or less centred.

I went to see the Charge Nurse and asked why DH hadn't been assessed by an OT - clearly, no one had seen him, though he'd been in the ward for a few days: even an idiot could have seen that he couldn't feed himself with the utensils he'd been given.

[At the time, I was also caring for my mum who had dementia, working full time and we'd been coming to the end of an extension build - to move in Mum - the day that the stroke hit.]

The CN told me she'd fetch a doctor. A young doctor came in. I explained the situation and asked why an OT hadn't been brought in to advise on eating utensils. (At home, I'd purchased special dishes and so on for my mother, to make it easier to eat one handed.)

"Oh, well...Now that you've drawn this to our attention..."

That was when I finally lost it. "Hello?! This is the Acute Stroke Ward?!"

Thereafter, the Charge Nurse hated me, but I don't think they took it out on DH. DH's son flew up to see him and I'd primed him to ask about the diabetes.

They got a Diabetic Nurse in to see DH. Guess what? His sugar wasn't low - it was far too high. He wasn't getting enough insulin. Turns out that sugar levels spiralling is a well-known phenomenon with strokes.

This is the one time when being a pain in the butt worked in our favour - after a fortnight, DH was moved into the rehab ward of the hospital of my choosing. They'd wanted to move him into the cottage hospital where rehab would have been minimal. A retired nursing pal had told me which hospital to ask for.

I think that they were so worried about repercussions from the failure to give the scan on time and fed up with me that they wanted DH moved on. (Other patients - I later discovered - had been stuck in that ward for more than 2 months.)

So...I'm sure that certain posters on here would be appalled at my behaviour. My only regret is not having created merry hell in A&E.

I think we are agreeing here. The most important thing to do is to advocate firmly and politely for you family member.

By the way the OP made a very clear reference to "not losing her rag" in the original discussion and I was trying to commend that.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEASE I BEG YOU to report this to the hospital's PALS/Patient Liaison service. Get this abuser OUT of that position of trust

There’s always one. Are you always so far up your…!?

@Tittat50 In my experience most nurses are so, because they are completely void of any compassion whatsoever. They get a thrill from being the 'well' one whilst surrounded by vulnerable unwell people and in a position of power. This is usually evidenced by the overly condescending tone and total inability to be even slightly fucking quieter at 4:30am** whilst patients are sleeping!

•slams bin lid closed•
•shouts: "Was it Red Bull ya wanted, Brenda?" down corridor•

@VegTrug the problem is, it's full of them. Where you have vulnerable people, you have abuse. It's just reality. I only realised this after multiple multiple hospital admissions. It's like care homes, it's like institutions for the disabled. I don't think everyone is an abuser but these professions will draw a level of people with the capacity for abuse. It of course draws wonderful people full of compassion. But it's important to be mindful of how abusive human beings in general can be without advocates for the vulnerable.

I'm the most polite and respectful patient there is and I would never comprehend the capacity for abuse that I have seen had I not witnessed so much during multiple stays in hospital. It's incredibly traumatic to even think about this. And I'm not even old. I've experienced so much worse than that example you just read about. So much worse. I never complain because I know it's too dangerous until I'm well enough to get the hell out of there.

People can be utter arseholes carrying around so much mental anguish and damage that they will take that out on vulnerable people if they can. Not everyone,but there's alot like this out there all around us.

I hope your Dad is on the mend. I do really feel for the nurses and doctors in what is an impossible situation. I think it's important to remember that they are human beings, doing their absolute best and run ragged, for very little pay.
I wouldn't go into nursing, would you OP?
Having had a visit to A&E recently, I was genuinely shocked at how many extremely old and unwell people, in their late 80's and 90's were the ones keeping everyone extremely busy.
In days gone by they wouldn't be rushed to theatre but made comfortable and looked after at home.
When there is a finite budget such as the NHS, this does need to be looked at.
I watched a young mother have a heart attack whilst ignored in a chair.
She didn't even get the trolley

@VegTrug that did make me laugh. Well basically we're all proper fucked ( excuse my language) when we become vulnerable to the point of no return.

@fundsandfrolics

And I think it's important to realise some relatives are effectively nurses. I'm taking my Dad to the toilet, brushing his teeth, getting him to take his meds, counselling him, feeding him etc. I've been an extra nurse on the ward every day and it's exhausting.

Here's something you need to understand, an incident like this can be a death sentence. Some relatives are under immense strain and just about holding it together, this kind of thing can set them over the edge and make them give up on whoever they're trying to care for, to protect their own health.

The nurse also needs to understand that too which is why I would have lost my rag, had it not been for the fact that my Dad might have died as a result of it. And no I don't mean cussing and swearing and shouting, I mean telling someone their truth

@WearyAuldWumman

I completely get it.

The whole experience sounds awful. I hope your dad is ok

Oh no, how dreadful

I had the most dreadful hospital midwife with my first child. Luckily I didn't have to have much to do with her because I had a private obstetrician and midwife but she was offensive. She looked at my son and said that, "You have a little redhead there". And then she launched into a long diatribe about every stereotype to do with red hair from freckles to hot tempers and then finished up with, "Some of them are quite nice people though". I was appalled by her attitude. I don't have anything against red hair other than that in our climate, not the UK, it means lashings of sunblock every day. Unlike her though I knew that my family's natural hair colour ran the gamut from black to almost black. Keeping to type, the baby grew up with dark hair, no freckles and brown eyes. He was as far from being a redhead as it is possible to be.

She turned up with my second child too. At least she didn't go on about red hair with him. She absolutely ripped into me because I had bought some disposable nappies with me. I had had another of the delightful staff get me up on my feet mere hours after a caesarean to change my first son's nappy when he had meconium. I was determined to make it easier the second time around. She harangued me that she had always used washable nappies even when she worked three day a week which was hardly helpful to somebody going back to full time work in six weeks. My in-laws who were visiting me at the time looked utterly slack jawed as she went on and on. To be fair, I did use washable nappies at home as much as possible.

I had let her get away with it the first time as I was just pleased to get out of the hospital alive. The second time I made an official complaint. She was apparently totally unaware that her behaviour was completely unacceptable. She did apologise. I like to think that I protected some other new mothers from her behaviour.

You should have slept in a bit and treated the nurse on the ward like she was not responsible for the coughing and business of the Emergency Ward.
Hope your father is recovering well.

Did you actually say "Hi" though

"What happened to hello" is not a response to someone who says "HI"

I had a midwife from hell too OP. I wouldn't let her be alone with my baby. I seriously thought that she was off her rocker. It's certainly a profession that actracts a mixed bag, from specialists ,doctors , therapists, nurses, midwives.Sadly I have spent way too much time in hospitals (mostly visiting but over years), and have seen some truly awful people working there. Medicine is not the right profession for everyone thats for sure.
I also agree with, always have someone with an elderly person as much as possible. They get ignored. 3 times over 30 minutes I had to ask for my mum to go to the loo. Poor mum is saying "I really need to go". Found two nurses chatting at a desk and said quite loudly " Could someone please disconnect my mum from all these machines so she can go to the loo!"
Miraculously someone appeared and mum could get out of bed. If she was on her own she would have been lying in her own wee for sure.

If you think that's inappropriate, complain. I absolutely do and I absolutely would.