Is this homophobic and how to handle

[Ballardandbosch]

My DH and I have a son, a young adult who still lives with. He’s gay. My FIL has previously made inappropriate comments about this to my son. Just after he came out, as a 14 year old, my FIL told him he smelled like a poof. My DH bollocked him at the time. Last night DH was on FaceTime with FIL and he was telling him that he and our son were planning a trip away for the day. FIL pipes up “is it a gay day”. He’s made various little inappropriate comments over the years. He can’t seem to help himself. How would you deal with this. It would obviously be my husband who would address this issue. For background FIL lives 300 miles away from us so we don’t see him that often but he face times my husband every other week. My son says he’s been a rubbish grandad and had shown little interest in him ever really. Just after some advice as to whether this needs addressing further or whether we wait until he says something else. Which he will. He can’t seem to help himself. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting but it feels like he’s homophobic and doesn’t hide it well.

He is homophobic, toxic to your son & clearly not a nice person. Any normal grandparent would love their grandchildren unconditionally. Time to cut all contact, it's good he lives far away.

Yes it's homophobic- how would a father and son trip be a gay day?? What a bizarre comment.
I would suggest your dh either needs to say 'look dad stop mentioning sons sexuality it has very little to do with his personality he's amazing for xyz' or just ignore it and point out to son that he will come across plenty of biogetted idiots in his life and to rise above it.... depends how much he is affected by his grandads words really. (Unless he is being down right rude like telling him he smells like a poof of course - he/you should always stand up against that sort of thing). If it was me and I wad your dh I probably would have replied to the gay day yes we are both going hunting for male escorts would you like to join us - just to make it clear how stupid it sounds!

Yes it is homophobic and not fair at all to your son.
Your DH should have a proper talk with FIL and tell him if he says anything like that again he will lose contact with his grandson, and mean it.

Yes it's obviously homophobic. If your son came out at 14 and is now an adult it's been going on for at least 4 years. I imagine the FIL was casually homophobic before he knew he had a gay grandson, too, so it's been going on all of your son's life and it hasn't stopped even when your husband rightly bollocked his dad.

Not sure what you can or should do to address it. The bollocking was one way and it didn't work. Your son is an adult now so will be making his own decisions about who he has in his life, and it doesn't sound like the granddad will be part of that. All you should really do now is support your son in that and don't try to force any relationship. The FIL will find that when you're bigoted, you reap what you sow. Personally I would reduce my own contact with the homophobic FIL as well.

I’m a gay guy, I’m 42 and this launguge was incredibly common growing up. All that has to be said to FIL when he makes a comment like it again is something along the lines of those who are incredibly homophobic are usually gay themselves and hiding it. There have been scientific studies that have proven this and also I have experienced this out in the wild over the years, many straight people have no idea how many closeted men there are out there, many of which deflect their secret by being ‘ultra straight’ and calling everyone woofters etc, kind of hoped this had changed by now, but some still cling on. Your FIL is probably jealous of your son’s freedoms to be himself.

I personally would give your son carte blanche to tell his grandfather to fuck off. Why should he have to put up with that sort of shit? If I was your son I'd want nothing to do with him. In fact, if I was your DH I'd want nothing to do with him either.

Your FIL is doing that weird thing that homophobic people often do, in that he hears 'gay man' and immediately thinks of men having sex.

A lot of people do it, but your husband is right to bollock his dad every time your FIL does it.

'It's just a joke. You're overreacting. You're so sensitive'

Yes it's homophobic, what is your DH saying about it?

Also what age is FIL? Not that it excuses his language or behaviour at all but it definitely was more common in previous generations. I know my brother who is gay, chose not to tell one set of grandparents when he officially 'came out' as they had a good relationship but he suspected they would react a bit like your FIL. They were in their 80's at the time and it was never openly discussed before they died.
Thank God we've moved on and its a lot less frequent these days. There's absolutely no place for that attitude or comments like that in modern society

It’s even weirder than that, because when he heard about his son and grandson planning a day trip together, the FIL said ‘Is it a gay day?’ He appears to think that any activity involving a gay man, including a day out with his own dad, involves some kind of gay-specific activity.

Assuming he doesn’t actually think his grandson and his son are having some kind of incestuous fling, I think this tells you a lot about the FIL’s thought processes, none of it pleasant.

I'd go full on zero tolerance if I were your DH. 'Dad, one single comment more about Tom's sexuality and I will cut all contact with you forthwith. He's gay, get over it'.

It's clear FIL has some issues getting his head around your DS's sexuality, which frankly is none of his business at all. I would definitely say that he should be told his comments are unacceptable, and he should be corrected when required.

I agree with another post which advises you to give DS permission to tell him to get lost.

However...... your DS sounds like he's got a good understanding of this man, and he sounds like he's confident in himself. This man and his low level homophobia could be a bit of a gift in some ways. DS will be confronted with some objectionable people throughout his life and the key is for him to be able to cope and build resilience. He can't correct people's thinking or control what they say but he can learn how to discern which battles are worth fighting and when it's a good idea just to ignore. He could learn some witty retorts or just decide he has no interest in his FIL. There might not be a way of stopping your FIL saying these things altogether but there are inevitable consequences for him and your DS may find this empowering.

This.

Your FIL sees being gay as your son’s whole identity, personality and character and can’t see past it to all the other things about him. He needs reminding, bluntly, to get over it.

Your DS is adult, what does he want to do about his grandfather and any relationship?

He may want to go low or no contact and for his DF not to give out any information about him whatsoever.

Your FIL is homophobic and won't change but as a family you can manage your relationship with this man.

Wow. You need to deal with your own ignorance before dishing our advice to others @mnreader

I would just pull the plug on the call the instant he ‘can’t help himself’.

The world has come a long way in the last few decades but your son will still experience some prejudice - to be honest I would have pulled him up at the first comment as your son needs to know at least his family has his back. Now your hubby needs to talk to his dad and say stop with the comments or our relationship will need to stop. He could say to him it makes him very uncomfortable that an elderly man seems so preoccupied with a young adults sex life.

He’s being homophobic and yes your DH has to deal with it.
I would have him speak to his dad and tell him it’s unacceptable and despite his feelings or views, he needs to keep his comments to himself.
It may seem that your son is ‘fine’ with it and thinks his grandad is just a bit of a rubbish grandad, but this kind of language is insidious and poisons everything, including your DS sense of his own worth.

WhenI was growing up it was incredibly common and I’d say a good half, maybe more of my Gay friends are NC with close family members because of their homophobia.

The very second the grandad says AnYTHING homophobic on a call your DH should say ‘ we talked about this’I’m going’ and end the call tell the old git gets the message.

Yes, do this — and mean it. Though it sounds like he’s had more than enough chances tbh.

Also just to add that lots of people of his age aren’t vile, sex-obsessed bullies, so the “it’s just his generation” argument doesn’t wash.

You get very incoherent, and not very pleasant from what I can actually make out, towards the end of your post.

What a shame you went from mnreader to MumsNet poster.

What a horrible post

And it’s offensively badly written too.

Come on @mnreader come back and explain your very incoherent and homophonic post, few points in there I’ve heard people say over the years, would be a good learning curve on a thread with this subject matter!