Is this homophobic and how to handle

[Ballardandbosch]

My DH and I have a son, a young adult who still lives with. He’s gay. My FIL has previously made inappropriate comments about this to my son. Just after he came out, as a 14 year old, my FIL told him he smelled like a poof. My DH bollocked him at the time. Last night DH was on FaceTime with FIL and he was telling him that he and our son were planning a trip away for the day. FIL pipes up “is it a gay day”. He’s made various little inappropriate comments over the years. He can’t seem to help himself. How would you deal with this. It would obviously be my husband who would address this issue. For background FIL lives 300 miles away from us so we don’t see him that often but he face times my husband every other week. My son says he’s been a rubbish grandad and had shown little interest in him ever really. Just after some advice as to whether this needs addressing further or whether we wait until he says something else. Which he will. He can’t seem to help himself. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting but it feels like he’s homophobic and doesn’t hide it well.

Your FIL has already been told that his comments were unacceptable and hurtful.

Yet he has chosen to continue to make homophobic comments although he knows that is hurtful to your son. Being older is never an excuse for homophobic behaviour.

Personally I would tell your husband that he is welcome to keep the relationship going with his father going but that you will no longer have any contact with him and you will make it clear to your son that you also don't expect him to continue interacting with his grandfather due to his behaviour.

FFS. Get your Dh to say to him, Dad I need to talk to you about something serious. This has to stop. Now. All the time you make little comments about ds being gay, the gay day etc. You do it all the time. I can't have this. It has to stop. Immediately.

Why on earth hasn't your Dh said something before.

Your poor DS. FIL is a narrow minded asshole. I get that older people have different ways and there has to be a little allowance for using out of date phrases etc, we'll all make errors as we age too. But that type of homophobic language should have stopped years ago. Or at worst the moment he heard his GDS is gay. He should be supporting his family. I think your DH is reasonable to be very upset by this. It also confirms that his Dad would have ridiculed and rejected him if he was gay, it makes it look like the whole relationship is conditional.

Can you please go away and learn to spell?

Totally homophobic and I would cut ties until he can learn to behave properly.

😂😂😂

FIL is being a bit of a knob, tbh. I would clamp down hard on this . If he is going to speak so unkindly to your son he can leave. I'm so far from woke on the LGBT issue it's unreal but real homophobic abuse towards a loved one I won't accept. Tell FIL to shape up or get out and don't come back until he treats your son with a bit of respect.

Yes. It’s awful. FIL needs to be told in no uncertain words that this shit needs to stop. Immediately.

Next time he mentions anything about doing something gay you should ask "it'll be right up your street, you should join him". I'm sure that would shut him up for a little bit at least.

Definitely homophobic. I wouldn’t want someone like this in my child’s life. I’d get your husband to speak to him and say he’s had enough, if he can’t keep his comments to himself there will be no further contact. I’d love to know what a gay day consists of!

It’s even weirder than that, because when he heard about his son and grandson planning a day trip together, the FIL said ‘Is it a gay day?’ He appears to think that any activity involving a gay man, including a day out with his own dad, involves some kind of gay-specific activity.

There’s no excuse for the outrageous homophobia demonstrated by the op’s FIL, but back in the 70s, as pp have pointed out, Larry Grayson’s catch phrase, after some uber-camping it up, was “What a gay day!”, a play on words with the original meaning of ‘fun/jolly’ and the then acceptably jokey innuendo of the contemporary meaning, so I imagine it stems from that, for someone of the FIL’s age, rather than insinuating anything inappropriate.

What do you consider to be "the LGBT issue"?

I mean I don't believe TW are women and I am into women's safe spaces. I'm also from a religious faith that believes marriage should only be between a man and a woman. But I don't support any abuse towards anyone who is trans or gay. We all need to be treated with kindness.

LGB people have nothing to do with men (let's call a spade a spade) being in women's spaces; please don't lump LGB people in with (overwhelmingly heterosexual) men who lack any respect for women's privacy and safety.

How presumptuous of you to believe that your religion should have anything to do with my marriage.

If your DH doesn't already shut down this kind of shit every single time, you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he thinks it might make your son feel, knowing his own Dad is OK hearing this homophobic bullshit and not pushing back hard on it!

@AsMuchUseAsAChocolateTeapot
Have a watch of Big Gay Wedding with Tom Allen on iplayer and watch Sandi Toksvig's reason why she campaigned for gay marriage and then tell me how you can justify your belief that marriage is between a man and a woman.
And, if you do that, and you still think that people with a different sexuality to your own should not be afforded the protection that marriage can bring, then you can shove your kindness where the sun don't shine.

I mean I don't believe TW are women and I am into women's safe spaces.

Is there anything the anti-trans lobby won’t hijack?

This thread has nothing, NOTHING to do with trans rights or activism. The OP is just concerned for her son. But some people have to make everything about their own agenda. Pathetic.

What on earth does a 'poof' smell like?

I have had many gay friends in my life and I can't think of any distinctive or stereotypical 'aroma' that 'gays' have lol.

Its a strange insult as it feels designed to put down and 'other' someone yet at the same time I can only imagine its a comment made because they smell nice.

So I assume he just means he doesn't smell of swamp ass because I can only conclude the kind of person that comments on someone smelling too pleasant probably has quite low hygiene standards themselves so its not really an upsetting insult although the fact someone whose suppose to love you is attempting to be mean is quite shitty.

This is right - I personally know two people who used to make comments like this who revealed they were gay in their late thirties and early forties.

OP, I’d tell him that his comments are outdated, offensive and upsetting and that unless this stops immediately you’ll be protecting your son by keeping away from him.

Glad you can Laugh about it and make excuses for homophobic abuse.
What a load of tosh!

Is a play upon 'gay' meaning fun.
It's old humour.
Inappropriate yes. But not hateful.

Some people are so over dramatic with the 'of you don't stop I'll never talk to you again' bs.

Homophobes hate gays. There's nothing to suggest he hates your grandson.

Tell your son to feel free to tell him to 'sod off with the cringe comments. I'm gay, build a bridge and get over it gramps'.

Role your eyes at the bad jokes.

Call out anything insulting of course.

But for the most part I couldn't get worked up about it.

When I came out, my mum said that if anyone had a problem or had anything to say, they were no longer welcome. I always knew that both my mum and dad were there for me, first and foremost. It meant a lot then and still does. I felt safe and loved. I hope your son feels the same way OP. I really feel that the way our parents react in these situations is so important

Your son doesn't feel a strong connection to his grandad and he makes homophobic comments so I don't think there's a need for them to have much of a relationship. FIL has already been told at least once and still doesn't watch his words. I would suggest to your DS that he doesn't need to carry on the Facetime calls. If you or your husband want to have a relationship that's up to you but I would show my son he doesn't need to have regular contact with people who use offensive words or make jokes at his expense

Many thanks for the responses which have shown me that I haven’t overreacted in being annoyed by his comments.

The comment about him saying our son smelled like a poof was because he wore aftershave.

Our son doesn’t participate in the FaceTime calls; only my DH does that. Our son has occasional text contact with him. My DH will continue to pull him up when he makes these comments.

Calling someone a poof isn't homophobic? Are you fucking serious?