Is this homophobic and how to handle

[Ballardandbosch]

My DH and I have a son, a young adult who still lives with. He’s gay. My FIL has previously made inappropriate comments about this to my son. Just after he came out, as a 14 year old, my FIL told him he smelled like a poof. My DH bollocked him at the time. Last night DH was on FaceTime with FIL and he was telling him that he and our son were planning a trip away for the day. FIL pipes up “is it a gay day”. He’s made various little inappropriate comments over the years. He can’t seem to help himself. How would you deal with this. It would obviously be my husband who would address this issue. For background FIL lives 300 miles away from us so we don’t see him that often but he face times my husband every other week. My son says he’s been a rubbish grandad and had shown little interest in him ever really. Just after some advice as to whether this needs addressing further or whether we wait until he says something else. Which he will. He can’t seem to help himself. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting but it feels like he’s homophobic and doesn’t hide it well.

I'm late 60s, and the sitcoms I grew up with were full of gratuitous, cheap-laugh references to poofters, fairies and the like. It bled into the language I heard at school, especially from the lads.

Some of us outgrew this learned behaviour, but obviously the FIL here hasn't.

I have a work colleague who used to send out a lot of jokes on the women-talking-all-the-time/women-spending-their-husbands-money themes, until I and a colleague objected by pointing out they weren't funny in the 1970s, they aren't funny now, but if he wanted to rock the Les Dawson look, go for it. He stopped.

Perhaps you and your DH and son could do something similar - mock him by responding to his gibes with "the 1970s called", images of Dick Emery and the like.

After first telling him in no uncertain circumstances to knock it off.

As a loving and protective parent, this clearly makes you feel uncomfortable so that alone means it needs addressing IMO.

Personally, I do feel it's rooted in homophobia but unfortunately your FIL may not see it that way, as that generation have quite a different stance and he probably feels they are harmless comments. With this in mind I'd be head-on and direct in addressing it, as you (or DH) don't want to be brushed off.

that generation have quite a different stance and he probably feels they are harmless comments.

Bollocks do ‘that generation’ have that stance. Some do, probably more than in subsequent generations but ‘that generation’ were instrumental in changing rights and attitudes to homosexuality, and plenty of people remain open minded and flexible as they grow older.

Easy on the ageist generalisations . We are talking about one homophobic man, who is also a pretty poor grandparent

Your poor son.

Personally I'd be saying something directly to him and not leaving it up to your husband.

How have you allowed this to go on for so long.

It's up to your husband as to whether he talks to his father, but if he stays in touch then needs to never be where your son can overhear, and obviously your son never sees your FIL again.

LOL! Typical mumsnet response. 'Cut contact' at the drop of a hat. This is extreme and ridiculous.

What's he's saying is inappropriate, but I think it's partly about being from a certain generation. Many times I've heard older people make comments about race that a lot people would find offensive these days, but aren't necessarily meant in an offensive way. They simply haven't moved with the times. I'd just have a quiet word with him and explain that this language is offensive to your son.

Thing is, though. It's quite obvious that husband mussel said something to his father. If not, then actually the husband and wife who's asking for the advice is at fault, because this has gone on for quite a long time. It's passive micro aggression against gay grandchild. He knows full well what he's doing. Don't f rise up to it. Just say you know what you're doing.Shut up or we will cut contact.It's as simple as that.
While I get that, people have got different ideas from different generations. The first time he made that comment about being a poof he should have been told that was not on not acceptable, and perhaps that was from your time goes by, but we do not talk to the grandchild like that. So he knows for well, he's just pushing it. I'm sorry, but I would just go, right, that's it. Don't want to speak to you anymore until you say sorry

I think your dh needs to stomp on the language, every time. Doesn't have to be aggressive. Just consistent. "Dad, what are you TALKING about?! Why is everything abotu Tom's sexuality? We're going camping for pity's sake".

"Dad, please stop it. It's so offensive. It's embarassing for you."

etc etc etc.

It's a Larry Grayson catchphrase.

Exactly this !
It's still offensive obviously but it wasn't a comment about gay activities or some weird incest thing.
It was a double entendre from a time when the word 'gay' was apparently considered hilarious.

@Ballardandbosch why can’t your DHjust say ‘dad stop with the gay comments and references we’ve had enough.”

FIL either stops and behaves or I’d be reducing contact as I wouldn’t want to constantly be waiting for the next snide comment.

Both my DC are straight (as far as I know) but I wouldn't tolerate homphobic language like that in front of them, let alone to theme.

I would tell him to get fucked

Mockery is often the best way to deal with this. It can be quite light-hearted - so he feels that his old-fashioned attitude is genuinely amusing you.

He's obviously homophobic and if I were your son I wouldn't want anything to do with him

Hi dad, if you comment on my son’s sexuality one mor time, you’ll never hear from us again. Shut up, or fuck off you homophobic twat.

that should do it!

By telling him you’re going camping you’re just joining in his little ‘game’.

Bollocks to that, why should anyone pretend to be amused by homophobia?

It doesn' thave to be camping? The point I was making is that 99% of the things OP and her DH do with their son is completely irrelevant to his sexuality. Whether that's camping, eating dinner etc. It's WEIRD and inappropriate for someone to think that sexuality of a person has anything to do with the vast bulk of daily activities and that is what I'd be calling out day in and day out.

No one says, "I'm going camping because I'm straight" or "I'm meeting friends for a straight person's dinner".

What does your son want to do about it ?

I'm a parent to an adult, gay son. My Dad can be homophobic, DS and I discussed what/ how he wanted to tell his Grandad, and decided to just not mention it unless he asked. Of course, he heard about it "through the grapevine" as it were. He's told DS he doesn't "understand" it, but accepts it as he loves his grandson. Ds told him there's nothing to understand. Ultimately, if my dad continued to make homophobic comments we just wouldn't see him anymore.

My Grandad, who's in his 90s is also homophobic. Ds has decided not to tell him as he feels his relationship with his Great Grandad matters more than trying to change his opinions. That's his choice, and he knows I'll back him should anything change.

How would I deal with it? Have nothing more to do with him and protect my son from his disgusting behaviour.

I don't understand the comment smell like a poof.
Yes he deffo needs telling to stop it.

In the 1970s, the comedian Larry Grayson's catchphrase was 'what a gay day'. His comedy was full of inuendo as hardly anyone was openly gay back then.

Your FIL is homophobic and hasn't moved on from the attitudes and language of his youth.

No wonder your son thinks he is a very poor grandparent.

You can't blame this stuff on age. He sounds horrible.

My MIL is mid 80s and when my DD told her she had a girlfriend she gave her an enormous hug, said she couldn't wait to meet her and said she couldn't care less whether her partner was male or female, as long as they loved her and treated her well.

was mid 80s I should say and very sorely missed 😥