Is this homophobic and how to handle

[Ballardandbosch]

My DH and I have a son, a young adult who still lives with. He’s gay. My FIL has previously made inappropriate comments about this to my son. Just after he came out, as a 14 year old, my FIL told him he smelled like a poof. My DH bollocked him at the time. Last night DH was on FaceTime with FIL and he was telling him that he and our son were planning a trip away for the day. FIL pipes up “is it a gay day”. He’s made various little inappropriate comments over the years. He can’t seem to help himself. How would you deal with this. It would obviously be my husband who would address this issue. For background FIL lives 300 miles away from us so we don’t see him that often but he face times my husband every other week. My son says he’s been a rubbish grandad and had shown little interest in him ever really. Just after some advice as to whether this needs addressing further or whether we wait until he says something else. Which he will. He can’t seem to help himself. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting but it feels like he’s homophobic and doesn’t hide it well.

This poster has a right to her opinion as long as its not promoting hate speech.

I probably wouldn't have even shared my teenage sons sexuality with a grandfather who barely bothers with him anyway.

It's nobody else's buisness, so how does he even know about it?

I'd cut the grandfather off. He has little to do with your son and your son will not miss him one jot. In fact it's very wrong to allow this sort of abuse to continue and if it was my son I would have no hesitation.

Some of the posts in this thread are absolutely wild.

It's nothing to do with age, you're choosing to be a dick or you're not. My dad is a Muslim immigrant in his 80s and it wouldn't cross his mind to think anything homophobic, let alone say it as a "joke." Despite being brought up in a culture so strict women aren't allowed to leave the house alone and having the death penalty for being gay.

You're either a nice person or you're not.

I mean it's pretty obvious with 99.9% of teenage boys. Why should someone have to hide who they have a crush on, who they're going out with, what they like?

The "It's a gay day" thing goes back to Larry Grayson, who was a camp game show host back in the day (70s?). It was supposed to be a laugh, and he played up the camp stuff. It sounds as though your FIL is set in his ways and is struggling to accept your DS"s sexuality. Also, he is trying to make light-hearted comments to amuse himself at your DS's expense. I would have a frank discussion with him about how comments like that can come across and why they're no longer funny or acceptable.

And I have a right to my opinion. Which I have shared. Just as the other poster shared hers.

Welcome to the internet! So kind of you to join us.

Well- it was, in fact, a comment about gay activities. It was a double entendre in the past precisely because people could snigger at the idea that it meant EITHER a fun nice day out, or an occasion of gay sex/gay people socialising in some specially "gay" way that was apparently funny.

The GD does not think his son and grandson are having sex with each other obviously, but it only works as any kind of a joke if you understand that it's funny for a gay man to have a gay day because it's hilariously appropriately for a gay man to maybe have gay sex. Eugh.

Yes this is horrible. The intent here is clear. It is to demean, belittle and it stinks of disgust , shame and disapproval. Of course, it's all ' just a joke' . But it isn't.

This person needs to respect boundaries, firmly, or contact would be cut for me.

And again, it was only funny when Larry G said it because it was taboo to be gay. The whole engine of the humour is he was a gay man saying this is a gay day so the audience shrieks at the idea they are implicated in the gayness. Imagine having gay sex, the very idea!!

Funnily enough it never occurred to me at the time that he and others (Kenneth Williams, John Inman) were gay. They were all just a bit effeminate. I never had a conversation with my parents about it and it only dawned on me a few years ago.

The grandfather barely speaks to him, and usually only face-times his father.

What would make a teenagers sexuality 'pretty obvious' in this scenario? X

It's only a joke if both people are laughing.

He sounds pathetic.
I'd be inclined to respond with 'what's a gay day?'
He'd probably get flustered and say he doesn't know.
Then I'd add 'well, you seem to know more about it than we do.'
You shouldn't have to but you could raise the fact he seems to be terribly obsessed with constantly talking about homosexuality.
He'd probably shut up after that.

You are not overreacting. I’d say you are under reacting. I can’t believe you let these snide remarks go unchallenged. Please show your son you have his back. You should have closed this down years ago. Tell FIL these comments are unacceptable - EVERY TIME.

It's homophobic however alas I think he thinks he's being witty.

The only thing I would say is that sometimes the older generation to learn to adjust but they can be inappropriate!

If this happened to me on a call I'd immediately hang up and let them ponder their words until they apologise and vow never to repeat.

If it happened in person I'd show them the door and do the same.

It's his grandson for fucks sake!!!!

FIL is stuck in the 1970s.
He needs calling out every single time.
Times have changed though seemingly, not for some people.
Rude man

This sounds dangerously close to those people who say, “I’ve got no problem with it, but why do they have to make a thing about it? Why do you need to come out when it’s nobody’s business?”

If OP’s FIL has other grandchildren, the straight ones probably haven’t come out to him. But not because it was “nobody’s business” - it was because they didn’t need to. Everyone assumes you’re straight unless told otherwise. Maybe OP’s son got sick of being asked about girlfriends and the like. Correcting an incorrect assumption doesn’t mean you’re making a big thing of something.

I think the granddad needs reminding that his grandson hasn't changed, he's still the same person that he always was and that the love that was (presumably) there before shouldn't change either.

It's sad but if he won't stop then he will be distanced from the family altogether.

Your FIL is way too hung up on this

And an arsehole

Of course it's homophobic

@SpiggingBelgium

It's not 'dangerously close' to it at all. 'Don't waste your time disclosing personal details to people who are not only irrelevant but out to hurt you' is a million miles away from 'Don't tell ANYONE'.

Op's son should have been protected. He doesn't need his sexuality shared with people who have proven to be abusive in the past and barely see him.

Why even open him up to that abuse when it isn't necessary?

Our son made the decision to come out and told his grandad when he was fifteen. We didn’t share his sexuality. It wasn’t our information to share. We didn’t know his grandad was going to drip feed the inappropriate comments over the years. Obviously had we known this we would have encouraged our son to keep it from his grandad.

The OP has already provided a much better answer to this than I can. But I would add, where are you getting the idea that her son’s grandfather was “Out to hurt him” and has been abusive? All OP has ever said is that her son feels like his grandfather had never really bothered with him. Indifference is a long way from abuse.

OP’s son didn’t deliberately travel to a country where homosexuality is illegal, or confront the members of a right-wing pressure group. He told his own grandfather. Your argument still sounds suspiciously like victim blaming.

His son should be able to train him to STFU. Not much you can do about his view points. Avoid him and tell him why