Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

Well perhaps if OP is as difficult and unpleasant to have at Christmas and uninterested in the grandchildren as her MIL sounds, yes.

Not all grandparents are the same. The best way to ensure you don’t end up alone on holidays in your own age isn’t to produce offspring that feel a perpetual, unshakable obligation to you regardless of how you behave… it’s to be an engaged, generous family member and a human being that people enjoy having around.

I have voted YANBU because you are listening to your kids, but did they really say they would prefer Christmas without any of their grandparents? If the options are (a) the five of you or (b) the five of you plus their granddad and grandmas, I am amazed that your kids chose option (a).

Sorry I misread. I see you've already told them, apologies.

If the options are (a) the five of you or (b) the five of you plus their granddad and grandmas, I am amazed that your kids chose option (a).

Maybe your parents and ILs are not the same as other people's.

Nothing wrong with you having it just you, however you absolutely couldn't leave your MIL on her own - so if the other sibling is being really rubbish, then she would have to come.

I think you and your husband would feel bad on the day if your MIL was on her own. Have you spoken to her about it, can she go to a friend's house?

I personally feel it's a bit late to be giving this information to P and PILs.
Perhaps hubby could ask his siblings to step up for the first time in 16 years!

Jeeeesus....... the MIL would have to be a mass murder/child molester or something for me to leave her alone on Xmas day and allow my kids to decide. How cold.....

15 years is a very long time for 5 years to not have the Xmas they want so that one person can have people to ignore whilst she watches her telly schedule.

I am someone who doesn’t see Xmas day itself as that big a deal. We have always celebrated when we were together whether that be Xmas day, Boxing Day or the 29th. When dd was a toddler “Xmas day” went on for the best part of a week as she was a child who liked to open one present and then play with it for hours. It was adorable. Every now and then she would say very seriously “I think it is time for another present now.” and the various doting relatives (she was the first child on my side of the family) would all give themselves concussion when heads were banged as they all tried to grab their present next to give to her. 🥰🥰🥰

So have MIL on Boxing Day and treat it like Xmas day.

Really? So my kids are in the minority in wanting to see their grandparents at Christmas?

Wow. Okay.

I love the emotional manipulators here implying ops children will treat her the same and should lead by example 😂

Why would you want your children to feel obligated to host you for Christmas instead of you know, being a decent parent and involved grandparent and actively being wanted?

Christmas is about family, no matter if they are tiring - I wouldn’t leave my elderly parents out on Xmas day.
what don’t you have a late Xmas dinner and have them round later in the day so you spend most of the day time as a 5 and still see everyone later

How is your children’s Christmas impaired by having their GM there? I understand it’s work for you but how does it impact them?

It’s not about raising people pleasers. It’s about fostering care for others. That they might think on balance ‘Our day would be a bit better without GM there but it’s not worth is knowing she would be alone.’ And they could balance their needs against others…. given that she sounds inconvenient rather than hateful.

I couldn’t leave the parents alone, especially your MIL who has no partner. Can you not change what you do Christmas Day to make it easier? Lean heavily on pre-prepared food, or have a big meal Christmas Eve and a buffet / festive baguettes and dessert only on Christmas Day. Maybe a bit late now but would you consider eating out? I would expect more of my children to be honest, especially a 16 year old - are they really happy to think of their 78 year old grandma on her own?

You can explain you are finding hosting hard and feel you’re missing out on family time. If your parents and MIL don’t like that and want a traditional Christmas they can make other arrangements. It’s really sad and selfish that the other siblings don’t want their parents with them at Christmas at least some of the time.

I think it’s pretty short notice to have a 78yo sort something else out for xmas when you’ve done the same thing for years.

I personally would have her over this year.
If you really can’t cope with her all day, then ask her to come over a bit later or something.

I would have a second Xmas with your kids on Boxing Day as they wish.

After Xmas, speak to the sibling about how unfair it is and make plans for next year.

I am of the mindset that no one should martyr themselves just because it’s Xmas but actually I wouldn’t leave anyone alone on Xmas day.
I can imagine that must feel absolutely awful.

With regards to hosting, it’s a whole day thing with us getting her drinks, food, she has a set tv routine of what she wants to watch so that is on most of the day, she doesn’t really interact with the children to be honest, more talks to us, usually about what she’s watching. Not a grandma that would take part in a board game with them etc.

Well this is the problem isn't it, instead of asking her to fit in with your children's day, you've tolerated her taking over your day, and waited on her hand and foot, no wonder the kids are jumping at the chance to have a day without her.

Why on earth you'd have arranged this year on year at the sacrifice of your own children?

I wouldn't leave anyone on their own, so banning her this year and leaving her on her own seems complete overkill to be honest and quite mean, either talk to her about the impact she has on what you want to do yourselves, so lay down some ground rules, or if you haven't got the balls for that, then just have her round for dinner at a time of your choice and drop her off when you've finished.. having someone for Christmas doesn't mean all Christmas day and never has.

You've been a complete martyr at the detriment of your kids and now you're blaming her?

A 16 year old and children quite a bit younger than that are able to work out the effect it might have on others if they decide on a particular path. I'm suprised they didn't ask what was happening to their grandmother. I don't think I'd be very impressed with my children thinking it was ok for a member of the family of what ever age to be left alone at Christmas. ( Unless they were particularly unlikeable)
However I wouldn't be basing my Christmas around her TV choices. Man up and play board games and whatever it is you want to do! You sound as though you need to plan the day you want and she can fit in.

This is our family all over OP
Years of hosting everyone. Even when I was about to drop with twins.
We decided to not do it one year ( after the twins ) and no one would do the hosting instead.
Not one of them
So everyone ended up staying in their own houses.
My db and sil invited my parents on Boxing Day but no one else 🤯 after we had them for all those years !

Id listen to the kids, have your own space but if that means someone will be entirely on their own and really isn’t up to hosting lots of people then I’d still host them.
Siblings without empathy can sod off.

So all of the siblings have has Christmas their way for 15 years and you feel bad wanting 1?
Woman up...
Or ask dh if he is offering to host his dm while you sit with your feet up ALL day?

Mine would also prefer to not host or be honest by grandparents children day. They want to relax in their own home and not be on best behaviour because of guests.

Imagine hurting someone like that, or even worse, encouraging a 16 year old to do it. Her own grandmother.

It’s absolutely disgusting. Shameful.

I wouldn’t have asked the kids and set up this situation. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Can’t you adjust the day? Move the main meal later in the day and only have guests for that part? That way you have the morning and midday just the family.

You could even tell everyone that you are tired of cooking so you are getting the food brought in, just doing frozen appetizer type things, or even doing something like getting a curry or pizza for dinner. Maybe suggest the guests could each bring a festive dessert.

after dinner, let the kids play with their toys and video games. Pop in a Christmas movie. Drop the formality.

if your husband is going to feel
guilty, then make the grandparents a part of the low key Christmas.

I have, yes to prevent her being on her own. And no, I’m not blaming her - there is no “blame” to be had. Just a different option to spend Christmas.

This seems a tad over the top.

The MiL doesn’t seem that difficult to deal with. Set expectations at the start, that your husband can do any running around but that this year, you are pairing things back. So set up a side table with all her drinks, snacks, blanket, radio times and leave her to it. There’s no need to run around daft. Make it more relaxed this year.

You also have 3 adult children….between the 5 of you, you can’t cope with an elderly woman that just wants to watch tv?

You can still have your family Xmas day, just choose not to run around after everybody and get the kids to take an active role in the day.

Also, the spirit of Christmas would surely mean that you should be teaching your kids that you don’t leave out elderly members of the family because they’re a bit boring. Bah humbug

would she leave faster is you removed the fuse from the tv 🤣 kinda joking 👀