Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

And I don’t understand the “you can’t backtrack” posts either. Of course you can. What are the kids going to do - sue you?

I can’t believe how selfish people are nowadays. Christmas is about family time. You can have any day of the year with just the 5 of you. How can you even think of leaving your poor MIL alone and probably feeling lonely and depressed on Christmas Day. I’m shocked people think like this.

Last time I spent Xmas with my mother, she was drunk out of her skull by 11am, was rude about the Xmas dinner (which my OH and I had cooked - apparently we had 'ruined' it), and spent the afternoon being nasty about my parenting (because I didn't know what I was doing, according to her) and sulking.

Which of the posters who have said it's selfish and disgusting not to want to entertain a mother who makes xmas day miserable would like to have mine visit them this year

Omg the handwringing on here is hilarious.

I think your biggest problem Op apart from having set a 15yr precedent! is not doing what you've wanted to do & let MIL have it all her way.

Hope this year goes OK for you & you get to do what you want next year.

My family must be wildly different. We gather for Christmas Day and most of the cooking is done by the men, who also serve it up (but don't wash up, or rather don't load the dishwasher). It's a huge family get-together with games etc, no King's Speech (catch it later if you want it). But we live close to each other, so it's easier to do. And TBH my late DH always complained about going to his grandson's for Christmas Day, and we always spent Boxing Day blissfully on our own.

You are doing the right thing. It is not your job to stand in for the siblings failings. And you have every right to enjoy some Christmas cheer with your own DH and DC. I've done similar this year, I feel guilty, it's hard, but I have to also consider my family and their wishes. It's not my fault my DM raised uncaring, selfish sons.

As my Gran got older she preferred to be on her own. She watched what she like on TV. Didn't like the mess and noise.
Didn't like big dinners.
She was quite happy at home.

Their granny is only spending the day alone because their uncles and aunties are too selfish to spend it with their mother. That is not their problem.

Hosting is exhausting, especially if you don’t have guests bring dishes. I’ve hosted Christmas for between 13 and 22 guests for 30 years (bar 1) but it’s a breeze because husband does the Turkey, adult kids help and siblings bring part of the meal. Everyone knows what to expect.
If your husband’s siblings refuse to host MIL (and that’s a poor show) I’d go with eating later and inviting her an hour before the meal. So if you eat at 3pm, she comes at 2pm. And she leaves by 7.30pm to allow you to clean up. She doesn’t get to monopolise the TV.
Either find something everyone can watch or suggest a game. If she doesn’t want to join in, she doesn’t have to but you need to break the routine.
Tell her in advance. “MIL we’re looking forward to seeing you on Christmas Day but now the children are older we’re doing things a bit differently. We’re planning some family games so we won’t have the TV on all day. If there are particular programmes you want to see, let me know and we’ll record them on your TV for you to watch later. Dinner will be at 3pm and we’ll fetch you at 2pm. DH will drop you back at 7.30pm.
We’re finding it more exhausting now we’re a bit older ourselves and I need Boxing Day to recover so I’ll be cleaning up after 7.30pm and heading to bed early. I just wanted to let you know the change in routine in plenty time. And of course we’ll see lots of you in the run up and during the holidays.”
She may welcome this. If she’s 78 staying up chatting till after 11pm after a 13 hour day socialising may feel quite tiring. Getting back to her own home and bed earlier might suit her.
I think this is the best compromise as everyone gains -kids have lots of time with just you. You do less hosting and fetching. You get to put your feet up at the end of the day and DH can spend an hour back at hers when he takes her home if he wants some one-on-one time. MIL gets Christmas hosted but also some downtime on a hectic day. Nobody feels guilty. Win-win all round.

My ideal would be to spread things out eg Xmas eve at in-laws, Xmas alone us with friends... Boxing day perhaps somewhere else.

Next year discuss plans in June, suggest she might go away for a change, so she has time to book a cruise or other holiday instead and you will see her over the new year.
Perhaps DH would 'treat' her and pay for the trip?

I thought this. Everyone is giving their opinions based on their own relationship with their own mother or MIL. My Mum has spent Christmas Day on her own for years but then again she was drunk and ruined the final Christmas years we had at home. She actually doesn't care for Christmas that much and isn't bothered. My brother also spends Christmas alone as we have no family unit and he is single but says he hates Christmas. When I did all the cooking from the age of 18 (because if I didn't we didn't get fed) he annually refused to put his plate even by the sink. He would wolf down lunch the second he thought it was ready, helping himself to it before I had plated up and would be the first to leave the table. I once said to him he needed to clear his plate and not leave it to me, he looked at his plate, looked at the sink and pushed his chair back and got up, leaving his plate. He also said he didn't want to give or receive presents for years. I feel bad he's on his own but tbh if he doesn't like Christmas and made no effort all those years, I'm not going to worry. Not everyone has a picture perfect family playing games and mucking in. We all have boundaries and I've been so much happier since keeping my distance from my own mother for example.

You can try and justify it all you want, it’s a horrible thing to do. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. Your poor, poor mother in law. What a shitty family she has.

RTFT. Or at least OP 's updates.

OMG there's so much performative wailing and rending of garments for poor abandoned MIL from posters who join the thread on day 3 and can't even be bothered to read the OP's updates.

@Seashor are you referring to the siblings who never host their mum unlike OP who has hosted MIL for 15 years and will be hosting her again this year

Hang on a minute. Why has OP been crucified?! MIL has another child who could take this opportunity to step up and who is bluntly refusing. If OP and her family want to spend one Christmas together as a family of 5, after hosting the previous 15, they should jolly well be allowed. You can’t always relax when you’re hosting, even if the guest is a close family member.

Tell me you haven’t read the OP’s updates without telling me. They will be including her but for a shorter chunk of the day.

It will s not your it responsibility to host family Xmas day for extended family, don't let anyone guilt you as the other siblings don't want to do it either. It doesn't matter how much you love parents and in laws, sometimes you need a break and just want to focus on your own kids. Christmas is for kids at the end of the day. Since they live close, Xmas dinner at tea time sounds like the most logical compromise, so they won't be alone all day, but you still get time to focus on kids. I'm lucky in that my mum loves hosting Xmas day and my kids love staying at theirs so it's win win, but I have done Xmas at home as well just to give them a break. I'm in similar boat as you and have a teen who will flying the nest next year for uni so this Xmas will be kinda the last hurrah for her as she'll soon want to make her own plans and do her own thing. If your parents and in laws are loving grandparents, they'd understand and respect kids wishes. My MIL sees most of the kiddies boxing day which suits everyone as her Xmas isn't quite so manic (she has a LOT of grandkids) and kids technically get 2 xmases.

How much focusing do you lot need to do on these special non people pleasing older children? You are asking one relative into your home and cooking a few extra roast potatoes.
I'm glad you have decided to invite her now.

Quite sad the siblings would rather spend Christmas on their own when they're alone all other days. Would be nice for them to pit themselves out for one day.

My instant reaction is that there is no way you can't have her this year. I imagine leaving her out would be so upsetting for her. You say your children really like her, so i can't imagine they want to leave her alone at Christmas. Maybe you could make boxing day the special family day?

OP has been hosting her MIL for 15 years, so when her children were new born, toddlers, primary age and teenagers. Her MIL is difficult and expects to be waited on, takes over the TV and ignores the children. OP's MIL was 63 at the point OP started hosting Christmas so I assume that she was fit enough to host Christmas herself, when OP was in the trenches of the early years with 3 children, but she didn't do that.

If MIL was a helpful guest and if it was just a matter of cooking a few more roast potatoes, I doubt that OP would be posting on here.

This.
DH has to tell sibling that they are going to leave their DM alone on Xmas day and to step up for once