Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

It's a shame that she is 'difficult'.

Could she not go over in the evening, instead?

My son is an adult now, and lives with his partner- They usually invite me over for the evening, and that's fine!

I have offered that if they want to have the day entirely to themselves that they can, and not to feel guilty.

I think it was probably a bit daft to ask them without considering the implications of whether either of you would feel uncomfortable at leaving her on her own for the day. And she’s probably going to be quite upset that, after fifteen years, she isn’t considered an integral part of Christmas. I doubt she has any idea of how much work she is. If you were going away for Christmas then it would be easier, but I can’t see how you’re going to have the day by yourselves without causing all sorts of upset.

If DH finds he can’t do it because he just feels too guilty, then would it help to set some ground rules? Tell her it’s all about the kids this year, so if she wants tea, it’s on her to make it. The tv isn’t going on. You and DH intend to spend the whole day entertaining the DC and playing board games, so you understand if she’d rather have the day at home, where she can watch tv and be child free, but it’s going to be a very different year at yours. If she’s not too far away, you could even get DH to run her up a dinner for her to microwave when she wants it. And if she hates the sound of it, you’re free to do whatever you want.

IKR. Maybe don't go round someone's house, put the telly on, ignore most of them, only talk about the telly, and put your hand out for drinks and food.

I know a couple of singletons I ask about Christmas, because they are lovely and would enhance the day. They won't ever be lonely at Christmas because they are a delight.

Absolutely this.

You sound kind and considerate op - do you think you would be able to enjoy your day as just you 5 knowing your MIL was home alone?

Sounds like your DH needs to tell his siblings one of them needs to host her and as he’s been doing it for 15 years they can pick who is next or she’ll be left alone. He can say that he’s told her one of them is hosting her and they’re deciding between them.

The minority? I doubt it. But that’s completely irrelevant, and what your DC’s grandparents are like is completely irrelevant here. OP and her kids are only making a decision for their family based on their grandparents, they’re not making some universal rule for everyone.

Not everyone has grandparents that show an interest in their GC or are decent people to have around on a holiday. Surely it’s not difficult to grasp why people who don’t would feel different about having their GC to Christmas than those who do?

with regards to hosting, it’s a whole day thing with us getting her drinks, food, she has a set tv routine of what she wants to watch so that is on most of the day, she doesn’t really interact with the children to be honest, more talks to us, usually about what she’s watching. Not a grandma that would take part in a board game with them etc.
So she's a selfish, lazy person really? Not actually giving a fuck about family other than being waited on, and talking AT people? But because she's older then she has to be cow towed to?

I do wonder a little if all the horrified/shocked/outraged on this thread are sort of arses who rely on family obligation and are concerned that if not accenting selfish, difficult people in your house will catch on.

Or are they trained martyrs who are so thick in the FOG, they want everyone there.

It’s hardly the spirit of Christmas leaving a 78 year old on their own Christmas Day.

Could you have her over for lunch but then drop her home to watch her TV schedule on her own?

Say in advance that they kids want to do X, Y or Z after lunch this year and you know she would prefer her TV programmes so you will drop her home to watch them in peace:

I don't understand why you didn't give your kids the whole picture when having this conversation. Part of life is taking other people into consideration. I'm not saying I don't get the appeal of having a relaxed christmas, I absolutely do, but I think it is pretty heartless to let your MIL know just 5 weeks before Christmas that she isn't welcome.

I also thing your sil and bil are shit for not considering her.

Not really the spirit to watch telly all day and ignore your GC either.

Are her own parents also awful? Because they're not invited either.

My DIL told me earlier this week that she, my son and their children would be spending Christmas on their own this year. They have hosted myself and the other Nana for the last 5 years.
I will be alone but I'm perfectly fine with their decision. Hosting is hard work and I absolutely understand that they want to focus on the children this year, especially as it might be the last year they get to do the Father Christmas routine.
Have a great day OP.

No I don’t, that’s the last thing I would want to happen. But I’d also like a break and to have a relaxed one with my children.

I think I’ve realised having read through all the responses, that I’ve sort of lashed out in frustration of siblings / in laws not stepping up.

Ultimately no one will be left on their own on Christmas Day. So I need to think about how to change the day to work for everyone.

Wow. I guess all families are different. We have hosted MIL for Christmas every year since 2009 and this is the first year she will not be able to make it, due to a recent stroke that means she will not be able to travel. We will travel to her on Boxing Day instead. Our DCs are really upset that MIL will not be able to be here, but begrudgingly accept that Christmas for all of us in her two bed flat would not work.

The only reason we are even contemplating this is because SIL whose kids are now in their 30s has confirmed she and BIL will spend the day with MIL. We would never have let her be on her own unless she wanted it.

Because as OP has already stated, MIL will be expecting to be hosted the entire time so poor DC won't have their parents full attention on Christmas day?

I think as another pp said, tell her that this year the kids have control of the TV after dinner and maybe she'd like to go home in time to watch her things. Send husband to collect her an hour or so before lunch and take her home an hour or so after lunch.

I’ve read the whole thread and I really sympathise with you @openjoy (and your kids). However I also see the difficult position you’re now in if the sibling won’t host the mother.

A compromise for this year maybe and then the Christmas YOU want next year? This year, you could suggest a later start- say 2pm, eat Christmas dinner at 5pm, and no TV either after or before dinner- get the Scrabble out- so that everyone knows that things are changing. If MIL doesn’t like the new arrangement she could make her own- there’s still time. But the later start would allow you all to have a more chilled out morning, a nice brunch, open a few gifts, it’s more suited to teens than little kids.

(Honestly if MIL is just at yours so she can be waited on while she dominates the remote control, I can’t see why she can’t do that at home on her own- it doesn’t sound as if she really values the company she’s in, does it?)

In what way is your MIL difficult, OP? I do think that it is unfair that you have hosted for 15 years, and if you have one year off you're the bad guys when nobody seems to judge the siblings on both sides.

Did either your MIL or your parents ever offer to host in the early days when they were much younger and your children were small and harder work?

Your MIL does stay for quite a long time on Christmas Day, about 12 hours. Could she go home earlier, giving you and your children the evening together without any guests?

Set an example by being welcoming and inclusive. Imagine spending Christmas on your own when your older because your daughter in law was being precious. Awful.

can't you see that having her over for the whole day for 15 years is what has led to this resentment? you say you don't blame her but you have multiple posts saying why you don't want her there.

There is a happy medium here where everyone gets a choice of what they want to do for portions of the day, and time spent with extended family is reduced, why you've never implemented that before or even thought about doing it this year is beyond me.

This has been managed badly. Your DH should have organised where his DM would be at Christmas before mooting to the DC a smaller Christmas day.

Everyone in the family would have assumed you would be hosting again as usual.

I have no issue with you wanting a small Christmas but I couldn't leave an elderly relative on their own either, which is why that should have been sorted first.

How do you think your children will feel seeing granny after the event, they ask her if she had a nice Christmas and your children discover she was on her own?

Yes, perhaps I could have given them all the information at the time.