Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

That's really unfair of your siblings making you feel that it's all on you.
I do understand not wanting to leave mil all on her own.
I equally understand your children wanting a Christmas of just you 5.
Maybe mil could come over in the evening instead? If, say, boxing day is not acceptable?

Siblings are selfish but I couldn’t personally leave an elderly relative alone on christmas day.

I couldn't leave my parents alone on Christmas. If it's the hosting that is the issue why not do Christmas lunch on Christmas Eve then have them over for an oven buffet (I mean everything bought prepared) with fizz and boards games etc on the day. You could even just do cheese and cold cuts for lunch then order a take away (loads near us open).

No one gets given more than 1 drink in our house you know where the fridge/bar is, if your welcome in the house your welcome to help yourself. I may change the ice in the ice bucket but that's about it. We still host a lot so it hasn't put people off.

To me Christmas lunch is just a roast dinner so when DS was little we hosted but it was mainly cooked the night before (turkey pan etc just chucked in the bin) and reheated on the day we even chopped the veg on Christmas Eve left it in water and filled the steamer in about 5 minutes.

We used a lot of disposable bowels to serve and all the main dishes got dumped in the utility and we took it in turns to load the dishwasher after DS went to bed, including the grandparents. After that clean dishes stacked on the bench and they got put away over the next few days in between hosting other guests........we now have two main dishwashers and DH wants to add a 3rd for glasses in the garage.

At 16 the magic of Santa has gone but Christmas won't be without her just because she 17 next year, over the years the table will grow but if you make it fun you can always have all the extended family at yours.

Could you host MIL
and scale back the day? Take her home at tea time?
It is going to be a long old day on her own.
Then you could have family time after tea?

I agree with PP that it's too late in the day to change. If the other siblings won't take a turn (which they absolutely should!) then I'd have my MIL over.
Your DH did a stupid thing and should fess up to kids that it's all come unstuck for this year - that's the take home lesson from this situation!
Make it up to them on Boxing Day or New Year instead.

Has your MIL not offered to do Christmas in the last 15 years? Or have you turned her down? Personally I don’t think you owe her an invitation, nor do the siblings when she’s chosen to spend every Christmas for the last 15 years with someone else… however I do think you’re a tiny bit unreasonable to let her know only a month before the event

Then I think this year it’s fair your kids don’t want Grandma there if she doesn’t do anything for herself or join in at all! Why can DH sibling get away with NEVER hosting her?! Honestly I think the issue here is you’ve let her dictate the day for so long! Can you have her come over later in the day?

Or, seeing as you’ve hosted her for FIFTEEN years, perhaps it’s time she held it?

It could also be the ops.
The kids have had their Christmas hijacked for the last 15 years.
You are allowed to think of your self.
You don't have to be anybody's dogs body.

Kids also have a right to a Christmas that they would enjoy.

I have been the childless sibling, and gave up inviting my (lovely) DM over Christmas as she was reluctant to sacrifice a single minute with her grandchildren.

That's uncalled for.

The OP and her husband and their kids are allowed have a break from his mother on Christmas day.

He needs to read the riot act to his siblings. It is so unfair that you guys can't have a Christmas without MiL without feeling guilty

So the upside of her doing this at your home instead of her own is what? She has unpaid waitstaff? Goodness, I can’t imagine why everyone’s not fighting over who gets the honor of granny’s presence.

Being a parent and then grandparent does not give you a lifelong pass to treat people this way. Family should be a two-way street.

This, otherwise you're saying we'll ask your opinion but we won't listen as your feelings aren't as important

Notice all the compromise should be how op should change the day. How the children should suck it up. How they should do the proper day another day.

None of it’s how a grown adult can come for a different day or cope as a grown adult. It’s all about how the perfection playing host, how the child should give up/change/give in.

Be the dutiful dil and seen and not heard children. Showing much love to family clearly with everyone’s wants and needs pushed to one side for one person who demands everything be there way (tv shows fully hosted, no games and so on)

maybe if she was a nicer easier guest she would be wanted and enjoyed.

Personally I couldn't have anyone left alone on Christmas day. My mum is a widow and I wouldn't like her to be alone and nor would my kids. We take a day off between Christmas and New Year and we spend it with solely with the kids. Arrange a day out, dinner and maybe a night at the theatre.

This is a tricky one.

It wouldn't bother me one bit if a grandparent had a spouse/partner to say 'sorry, we're doing our thing and you can do your thing'.

But I don't think I could knowingly leave someone alone on Christmas day (unless that's what they wanted).

Why won't your partner's sibling(s) host their mother as a one off? I actually think the sibling is being really unreasonable by refusing, unless there's some history.

Does MIL have her own sibling/close friends she could spend the day with?

If the options above aren't viable then, as MIL lives so close, could she come for just a few hours? Delay present opening til noon (perfectly acceptable for children over the age of about 8) and MIL arrives for that. Earlyish lunch at 1 and she clears off at 4? Make it clear that you're not doing a big Christmas and you want a bit of downtime with just the kids.

That said, your husband should really be worrying about this: his mother, his mess of 'asking the kids' to sort out.

Your kids will remember what you decide, and it will affect their decisions towards you in your own old age. Kids who see their parents put the GP generation first dont grow up to do the same, they grow up resolute not to put the needa of their parents over their kids...I would tread carefully or else your kids will not be close to you in your own old age since you never put their own Christmas needs first.

This is really sad, your dc is 16...why does mil being there impact the kind of day you'll have with them? I know you'll be doing extra dinner and making a few more cups of tea than usual but to have her have to spend Christmas home alone seems harsh.

Agree with this....

although you can't force them to host I'd love to hear what they say about you and your DH OP once their DM tells them you're not hosting her this year.

Can hardly slate you off for not hosting can they.

You've let her get away with this for 15 years without asking her to pull her weight, and missed out on being fully present for your children's entire childhood christmases?? Why would you do this - you say you don't want to raise 'people pleasers' but actions speak louder than words! Hope you hold firm over this OP!

Yikes. I'd see this as a snapshot of the future for you. Your children will be happy to leave you on your own at Christmas.

Do what you and the kids want this year. Your husband has to break it to his mum. You can arrange something else over the festive break with her. Make sure siblings know.

I think the issue is that for 15 years you've let her impose what she wants on Christmas Day. No one should stay that long on Christmas Day, they should go in time for you to have time at the end of the day as a family. They also shouldn't impose what they want to watch all day either, or ignore children.

Why didn't someone speak up and say something?

DH needs to speak to his siblings, they are letting their mother be on her own at Christmas, not you.

I totally understand you wanting Xmas day to yourselves but I couldn’t leave your MIL alone in your position. Could you have Xmas morning alone and have her round later?

Children are only Children once, she's had 78 years of Christmas with family. Perhaps her other Children need to take their turn?

I don't think there is really a right or wrong way to do this, it's up to you. But I do think you are being very unreasonable to be making these decisions 37 days before the date. This should have been discussed and dealt with ages ago giving all the grandparents time to organise something else (or not as the case may be).

I would also be disappointed in my children if they thought it was ok to leave grandma alone on Christmas Day. There are 364 other days in the year that you can spend with your children alone. Why have you left it so late to tell them an arrangement that has been consistent for 15yrs isn't happening in a few weeks.