Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

Yes we could do this, she does often play a part in these days to be included and she would be welcome to continue.

You can't backtrack now that you've asked . Your DH fucked up there.

As a compromise, could you have her come later just for the dinner or you guys go to her with leftovers and some small gifts?

How are you going to tell your parents that the kids don't want them around? Pretty nasty thing to do really.

It would be nasty. Which is why no one in their right mind would say that.

You've been kind and measured in your posts OP, but it's interesting that your day seems to revolve around MIL and the sibling won't host. And the children want the day just the 5 of you. That makes it seem a little more than just another person around the table. That seems like there are reasons.

We had a Christmas on holiday, just us, it was bliss. It followed the wider family making Christmas a bloody nightmare the year before.

And to all the 'it could b her last' posters. My MIL died in her 50s and my dad is still here in his 80s. Do we really have to treat every Christmas for 30 years as sacrosanct just in case?

I think it's fair enough if you want to celebrate just the 5 of you, especially if that is what the children have said is their preference. By all means invite grandparents Xmas eve or boxing day, but keep Christmas day for you and your kids to enjoy. 25th of December is after all just another day, we are celebrating early this year so our Christmas day will be 15th December, and on the 25th we are doing nothing special as my ds will be travelling. Grandparents are quite happy to join us, and I have no idea what their plans are for the 25th (my mother is 71 and my fil is 87)

Your big mistake was to ask your children. I understand what you are saying but not sure I would enjoy the day thinking mil was sat by herself.

How much hosting does she require bearing in mind there are 5 of you and your DC aren't toddlers I am assuming?

Gosh how are you going to tel MILZ she's on her own?
I was in exactly your situation and I'm so glad we all wanted to carry on hosting.
When DC were teens we lost all 3 grandparents within 6 years.
It's just us now

Your DH should call his sibling and bollock them for being so fucking selfish that they can't spend Christmas with their mother once every 15 years.

I honestly would do this year with just the five of you.

I never had that, all the years I was married, and it was horrible. I hosted every year because it was expected of me, and I absolutely hated it.

Put yourself first for the first time.

Some of the others will step up for MIL and if they don't you can have her on boxing day.

Could you do something completely different, to avoid the 'hosting' bit? Have her over in the morning for Christmas breakfast, stocking etc, then book Christmas lunch out somewhere, then back to yours for coffee then she goes home...leaving your kids with the remainder of the day to themselves?

I'd go with what my children want. Why should your children suffer when your dhs sibling isn't willing to ?

I dared to vote YABU. Totally reasonable to want Xmas just you and the kids. Totally reasonable to expect the other siblings to host grandparents for once. But since the siblings aren’t going to do it there is no way I’d leave the grandparents alone on Christmas Day. 16 out of the last 17 we years we have fitted in around assorted family members requirements. The one year we didn’t was because we were in temporary accommodation while building an extension and physically didn’t have room to host. Other than that, every year the rest of the family work out what they’re doing (one side juggling awkward inlaws so we understand, one side just selfish) and whoever isn’t invited elsewhere is made welcome with us. I do sometimes wonder what would happen if I decided to stamp my feet and demand to have things my way. But I’m never going to do it. And I would never leave grandma on her own at Christmas.

My mum is 80 and I'd walk over hot coals before letting her spend Christmas Day on her own.

So yabu but your dh's sibling is awful.

Yeesh, I think asking the kids before setting up an alternative for MIL was a
mistake. I say this as someone who has a hard going relationship with my DM and honestly would much rather enjoy Xmas with just DH and our kids.

I couldn't leave her on her own on Christmas Day. I wouldn't enjoy it, knowing she was alone and unhappy.

Personally I couldn't I wouldnt have fun thinking about someone I care about being alone. The more the merrier. However that is me, you would prefer to have just your nuclear family.

The compromise is of course you have everyone for lunch but say you get exhausted and that they all leave by 4pm so you can have your evening with the kids.

I agree with this! If there was a discussion to be had with other adults that should have taken place before asking the children their opinion.

It's one year. See the Grandparents on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

The siblings need to step up! You’ve done it for 15 years.

Unfortunately I do think it’s a bit late in the day to stop hosting now after 15 years.

The time to establish boundaries would have been when you first had children and your own home.

We host everyone for a big boxing day meal. Grandparents/aunts/siblings look forward to it, and we all get to see each other, but we get to keep Christmas day for our “little family” (hate that expression but you know what I mean).

You might need to do a total 180 to get out of hosting duties now, as simply saying “we’ll be at home but don’t want you there this year” is unkind. Big pub meal on Christmas day? Go on holiday for Christmas? Go and stay with a different relative/friends? Rent a cottage?

I think I would have her over but for a shorter time and I'd explain that the kids want a more laid back day, so, perhaps beyond the big meal, it’s help yourself to snacks and drinks etc. I don’t think I could leave her alone for the whole day. Maybe even just have her over for picky supper and drinks.
Our preference is for just the five of us for the main part of the day, so I understand your wish for that, but MIL comes mid morning for an hour or two before going to BIL and my family visit in the evening, or sometimes we go to them. Over the years, though, we’ve had all kinds of variations due to parents’ health or circumstances as needed. I don’t think anyone really gets exactly what they want at Christmas, possibly with the exception of your husband’s siblings; it’s all about compromise.

There is no way in hell that I would leave an elderly parent on their own on Christmas Day and I’d be seriously concerned if I’d brought up children who thought that was anything other than cruel.

I think leaving her alone would be really mean! Yes the siblings should just her sometimes too but you can't control what they do so that's kind of irrelevant. I'd have her over if I was you personally surely you won't have a nice time knowing she's on her own in Christmas Day anyway? There's so many other days of the year that you can have family days just the 5 of you

Why does she need so much 'focus' that the children miss out?

In what way is she difficult?

They were asked a question and answered honestly. Good for them. If you want to bring up children with shame and obligation, go ahead.

Not everyone's MILs and mothers are sweet, kind older ladies who make Christmas special.

If she's only 15min away, she could come about 1 and leave after lunch. No need to stay till 11pm.
That way you get family time all morning and again in the evening. And she isn't alone on Xmas.
But tell her the expectation now.
That her choice is to go to a sibling or come just for the lunch and be gone again by eg 4pm.

In do wonder if the kids have actually realised the implications of getting what they want - i.e. granny will be on her own on Christmas Day. Quite possibly they assume she has other options, or are just so wrapped in "awesome, I can play my PS and watch sweary movies in my PJs and not have to make small talk" that they haven't joined up the dots.