Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

Your DH needs to tell his siblings to step up this one year out of 15. He needs to tell them he wants a quieter no hosting day like they always have.
If MIL was going elsewhere for xmas day no one would feel bad.

DH could go over for a couple of hours in the afternoon then she and your parents come round on Boxing Day.

What is it about hosting her that means it's eating a lot of your time? Is there anything that can be done to change that?

I do agree the siblings should step up but you can't force them to, in the end.

I think you’ve let it go on way too long and whilst yes it would be nice to have a Christmas Day with just you and your children can you honestly say you and / or your husband will enjoy it knowing that his mum is alone .

Completely agree. You’ll get flamed no doubt as many on mumsnet seem intent on raising selfish little brats who shouldn’t be inconvenienced in any way even if it hurts a member of their own family.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being solo on Xmas Day - it's very relaxing, in fact. So don't let your MIL manipulate you, OP!

One year my nan wasn't invited to anyone's house and I spent all day worrying about her and I didn't enjoy Christmas Day one jot as a result. Whilst it may be nice not to have to host, life is for sharing and being with each other.

How come OP is getting the grief and not the MILs other children?

For you maybe, I’d absolutely hate to be alone on Christmas day whilst my family celebrated without me.

Completely agree. You’ll get flamed no doubt as many on mumsnet seem intent on raising selfish little brats who shouldn’t be inconvenienced in any way even if it hurts a member of their own family.

But the MIL can be difficult and require hosting and take attention and time away from children, and she's an adult... And that's fine. The children can be inconvenienced, and OP can, for 15 years. But for one year they'd like Christmas for them, and THAT'S selfish. Not the MIL, who's been hosted for 15 years and been difficult. Or the sibling who has refused for 15 years.

Totally agree here.

I used to get this: Would you like a or b? A, that's fine. Now we're doing B because someone who shouts louder wants that.

Invite her for Boxing Day.

Our family love being just us 5, except dh who was used to big Christmas days. What he doesn't seem to get is that when it's us 5, we do things the way we like, at the time we want to, and it's all relaxed.
When he was little they went to their cousins/their cousins came to them, who were the same age as them and did very similar things.
My dc are way older than the cousins, so when they were little they were expected to fit in round the adults, now they're older, they're expected to fit in around the louder younger ones.
So it ends up with them being expected to be helpful, do the washing up, help make the meal, keep quiet round the adults (even though they are now) look after the little ones, let the little ones have what they want... It's not fun for them.

I would 100% rather that my kids had Xmas days with their families than invite me out of some type of obligation, even if it meant being on my own for the day.

She clearly understands that her other dc like the day to themselves, so I'm sure she could understand that you want one year to yourself as well.

One year in 15 just doing what you want for the day doesn't make you selfish at all.

This.

The children were asked because they have a voice and an opinion. They were told there was no right or wrong answer but if they were to choose how to spend Christmas, how would that be and they answered. I’m not really looking to raise people pleasers or for their own needs to not be met whilst they meet the needs of others . They love their grandparents, have compassion and have spent the last 15 years spending their Christmas’s with them. This is their whole lives. They’d like to try something different.

They have no idea that MIL would be on her own, why would they? They don’t know that she wouldn’t go to her other child’s house, or anywhere else! They’ve just said a preference (which is also ours) and they’re not involved in the logistics of it actually happening.

I wouldn't leave the grandparents with nowhere to go after being at yours for the last 15 yrs. I get that you need a break and it would be nice not to host them every year for sure but she's 78, if no one else is going to take her in then personally I couldn't leave her alone for that day.

Because the other children aren’t on the thread as far as we know. They are clearly far more in the wrong for always putting their own wants first and never taking a turn hosting. But ultimately you can’t control what other people do, you can only control what you do. OP knows that if they don’t host her MIL then she’ll be alone on Xmas day. Personally I couldn’t do that.

We stopped hosting years ago as our time was consumed by looking after guests and cooking. No time wit DC. So we stopped, we have a family get together the weekend before, have our Christmas dinner and some gifts shared.
On Christmas day, grandparents and some family visit, I have snacks out and will offer drinks and people normally only stay an hour or 2. That is really chilled out and we actually get to spend time together. We have a special, but not time consuming dinner with DC in the late afternoon.
Could your MIL come visit for a few hours then go home, so she's not alone? Alternatively could she join your parents for dinner?
I think if I was you I'd cave and invite her, the thought of her being alone would break me. But I don't think you are being unreasonable.

kids choice this year, next year family round, year after kids choice.
And as long as you tell everyone now this is what you're doing, they have time to make arrangements. DH needs to stand firm that this year is kids choice.

Can he zip over to visit his mum on Christmas day or something?

They have no idea that MIL would be on her own, why would they?

I would be extremely concerned if my 16 year old was so lacking in empathy they didn’t spare a thought as to where Granny would spend Christmas if she didn’t come to our house. I find that really rather shocking.

OP, why does she need "hosting"?

I just posed this Q to my kids out of curiosity (they know it's hyppthetical). We host every year - always my dad and his partner, sometimes my grandparents, sometimes in-laws. This year it's everyone, as well as our 'little' family of two adults, three older teens.

They voted unanimously to have them. I think they get the joined up thinking that to not have them would mean a pretty miserable christmas for them otherwise (and in my dad's case, no christmas dinner at all).

We have always had a lot of visitors over the years,and in some ways I resent it and hage been the same. It feels like the door is always going, am making endless drinks and washing up all the time. But I can't really stand to think of the alternative.

We do however hold a HARD LINE for boxing day. No visitors ever. All in our PJs, building lego, eating leftovers and only pleasing ourselves.

I don't think you should leave older people on their own for Christmas day. If it's the cooking could you all go out for lunch. May be a nice change?

I think you have left it too late to tell the grandparents they are not welcome. They will be expecting to come and just 5 weeks before to say 'We are changing it this year' is so cruel. If you'd mentioned it earlier in the year then fine but mid November? You should not have asked the kids.

What reason does her other child give for not taking her? That's outrageous.

I would usually say that family is important and there is no way I could leave any of our parents alone on Christmas Day. And I couldn’t.
BUT there is another sibling here. It’s their turn.
How far away form each other are you all??

Everyone would fight over who has Nan in our family because she's just the best and we all love her so much because she's lovely, kind and has a wicked sense of humour.

If your grandchildren would prefer to not have you over on the day itself then you should think about why that is not just put unfair expectations on children, this is their home, they get a say.