Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

Could you have a much more low key Christmas dinner and if you have MIL just for the meal in the evening, not so much hosting to do. Then could have full on Turkey dinner (or whatever would be your meal of choice) on Boxing Day just the 5 of you.

If MIL has not really got involved in Christmas Day activities, and has her tv preference, is it possible that actually she might enjoy more time at home so she can do what she wants. Was she always like this over the last 15 years or has she become more difficult to host as she has got older?

@PenguinsarePhenomenalSwimmers but it doesn't look as if she actually joins in the lively Christmas

Exactly. She just puts the TV on and ignores the grandchildren.

OP has said that she is going to invite her this year but for a shorter amount of time. It's still ridiculous that having hosted her MIL for 15 years, to the detriment of her children's enjoyment of Christmas, OP is still being called selfish by the majority of posters.

@thepariscrimefiles and OP has hosted the MIL for 15 years unlike the MIL's other children.

I will be honest, it is also everything that is wrong with society at the moment. As children, me and my brother would have been given no choice as to who was invited at Christmas. I can't imagine a scenario where we were given a choice and we collectively decided to leave granny alone. It just wouldn't happen. Yes I know you didn't tell them the hard part about their choice, the real life consequences so it's all ok. They have agency, so good for them.

What about kindness.

Please don't leave her out, spending Christmas alone must be awful! Sadly alot of my family have passed away but would love to have a big family christmas, do something with your children christmas eve and the morning then the rest of the day is filled with family?

@PenguinsarePhenomenalSwimmers maybe MIL needs to show some kindness and not expect everyone to do exactly what she wants at Christmas. Maybe let the DC watch a programme they want to watch, maybe help in the kitchen and not expect to be waited on for the last 15 years.

You should not carry the guilt burden, the siblings should. Why would they not host their mother? Either of them? I have a feeling they think you and DH are an easy touch and will change your mind. When you don't, I imagine one of them will cave. If they don't then your MIL should feel disappointed towards them and not you. Just be perfectly clear it's nothing personal and that last 15 years have been great but you just don't want to host. It's very reasonable.

@crumblingschools what a good idea, lets teach MIL a lesson by leaving her alone on Christmas Day. That will show her won't it.

You’re right, I hadn’t thought about it like that, it’s just terrible whichever way. Why people can’t be kind for a few hours on Christmas Day is beyond me!

@Lyraloo is the MIL being kind to the grandchildren and OP, if she pretty much ignores them on Christmas Day as she sits their doing nothing but being waited on and watching her tv programmes for the last 15 years. If she had been a bit more hands on the grandchildren might not have said they want a Christmas just with mum and dad. It can go both ways

I'm not sure why you are ignoring the OP's later posts and posts from other posters confirming that OP will be inviting her MIL for Christmas this year, albeit for a shorter time than the usual 12 hours.

Because the OP is kind, unlike her DH's sibling, she says she wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her MIL on her own on Christmas Day.

Hopefully MIL will reciprocate this kindness by not expecting to be waited on all day and to interact with her grandchildren, rather than ignoring them as she usually does.

I always want to be with and be the 'Have you eaten yet?', kind of person. We have hosted many Christmas's over the years - some guests are always more 'fun' than others. Grandad would be sat in the same chair all afternoon reading the paper. No one would be left home alone because they were boring to be around.

What children are you raising when you say, it's ok to be unkind to others as longs as your own needs are fulfilled. You really don't need to worry about raising people pleasers that is for sure.

How do you think your children will feel when they find out granny is home alone on Christmas - we didn't tell you that when we gave you the choice because, well its a bit shit isn't it and we didn't want to spoil your special day.

I have read the other posts where she will be fit in for a bit at some point. I just fear that it emphasises that it is a 'duty' or 'pity' visit. I am probably over sensitive about this though.

I totally get it is unfair that the Op is expected to host every year and the other siblings get to have their own Christmas as they choose.

Why did you ask the kids? It's a major family decision and they almost certainly won't understand the ins and outs, so get no vote. Poor MiL all on her own on Christmas Day. None of my family (includes several divorces) would let anyone be on their own on Christmas Day. Children get no choice on this, I'm afraid. Great-Aunt Maud with her funny hat who smells of cats comes whether they like it or not - and generally they like. Mind, she gets a bit tipsy and comes out with family scandal, but hey ho, it's the festive season.
NB Your DH's siblings (hate this word, why not say brother or sister?) should know better than to not now step up and offer effusive invitation to DM - and make it her day for her.

I don't think it's a pity visit to switch things round. But switching it up needs to happen or it will become a souce of resentment.

Hey Mum kids are getting bigger, they want to be up late on Christmas Eve and have a long lie in the morning.
Last year we found it a bit of a rush to have you round at 11am, and lunch at 2pm, so this year we are pushing dinner back to 4pm and we'll come for you at 2pm.

The 11am thing probably made sense when Ops kids were 4/5 yo steeped in Santa and up at the crack of dawn but they are older Christmas won't have the same level of excitement as it once did.

The Ops eldest is 16 a couple of years and they could be out clubbing to 2-3am no way is it a good idea to have Granny there when they are rolling out of bed in the morning.

It doesn't matter if she watches the Wizard of Oz all day. Mind, why are not activities arranged? Games are fun, MiL will feel left out if she doesn't get invited to play, so may opt to play?

I actually think we are quite fucked as a society. to be thinking of our own desire for a specific day on xmas - its something I see SO OFTEn on mumsnet.

the entire point of christmas - which was originally the heart of the christian calendar - is to be a time of - where possible - togetherness.

I was brought up that you invited anyone who might be alone over - my mum is not even the most hospitable person! she is pretty introverted but would always invite any friend i had - or any random vaguely related person who would be alone.

You can do what you like - and have the day you like - any other time! the thing about Christmas is to ensure people feel included

I feel there is a growing fetishisation of meeting of 'our needs' - the needs of the individual at the cost of wider society

is it really so vital to have 'the best' day by making other people feel alone.

I've just read you are going to host MIL but change the structure of the day.

In this case I would still make perfectly clear to BIL and SIL that you will not be hosting MIL and they need to come up with an alternate plan.

In a way, you're testing them to see what they do.

They might offer and everyone is a winner and if they don't, let MIL know you had no idea no one would offer and of course she can come but things will be different this year.

This win-win is that she has likely taken it for granted each year that you host, maybe thinks you enjoy it, maybe thinks it's her right as Grandma to be waited on hand and foot. Knowing you asked for a different Christmas might make her more attentive, also knowing full well her other children are selfish and would happily leave her on her own might change a few things.

Do they see her the rest of the year?

I would cut them out of my will if I were her and they refused! I wonder if she even knows they have refused?!

Yes, this is a nasty one. MIL is 78, so to put it bluntly, won't be around for much longer. Making her feel unwanted at Xmas will be hard. It was a mistake to ask the kids, you were offloading the guilt and responsibility for decision making on to them. Hubby's brother should have stepped up before, but that is what it is. YANBU to want an Xmas for just your family, but how do you really feel about MIL being on her own Xmas day? I think you need to carry on hosting her, or accept that yoour Xmas will be tainted by feeling guilty. Are there any other choices???

The OP is getting things right but I do remember as a child being absolutely devastated the year my parents invited some people (including a child I strongly disliked) over for Christmas day.

It would have utterly ruined Christmas and in the end I was so grateful they couldn't make it. We did sometimes visit relatives (who couldn't come to us) but by far our favourite Christmases were spent with the nuclear family.

The rest of the year, in our case, was spent prioritising the needs of others and having guests on a weekly basis. We struck a deal with my parents that we would help them host on the 24th and/or 26th but 25th was "ours".

I’d be furious to be quite honest if my sons said they didn’t want either of their grandparents around for Xmas day? I’d think how have I raised such an entitled child! It’s one day, which is supposed to be about family

for me personally. Christmas day is about family and that includes extended family. We do it differently each year with different combinations of people so no-one get aggrieved if people do different things each year. There are plenty of days between xmas and new year when it is just us and we slob around in pjs eating leftovers, playing board games and watching films!
This year for the first in a while it will be just us (3 kids aged 14-18). Me and DD are not happy as we love having a houseful but DH and the boys are happy!

Well, it’s obvious that this 78 year old Grandmother is a real nuisance to everyone. I think she should be told exactly what the problem is, after all she is an adult of presumably considerable life experiences and there’s no mention of failing health. Then she can choose what she does, if it were me I’d be off to spend Christmas somewhere luxurious and expensive, thus spending as much of the inheritance as possible. I’d repeat every subsequent Christmas.

Not read the full thread but why can't you go over to her house and spend an hour or 2 with her there. You can then choose when to leave and spend the rest of the day together. 11 until 11 is a long time.