Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

One day, many of us will be the MIL. I won’t ever impose on my DC when older and partner and/or kids, and assume my presence is welcome every Xmas.

This reminds me of the child free person who says "when I have children I won't...".
No-one knows what it's like to be a parent until they are one. No-one knows how it feels to be a widowed Grandparent who can see that they're going to be alone on Christmas Day, until they are one.

I was that widowed Grandparent alone on Christmas Day last year. I didn't impose myself on anyone, and my kids think I was absolutely fine with it, because that's what I told them. Parents of adults/grandparents have to hide their feelings a lot of they don't want to appear to be burdening their children.

The OP have said that her MIL requires hosting and takes time away from the kids. Maybe just on Christmas they want their parents attention 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think having Christmas dinner later afternoon and having the morning to yourselves, is the perfect compromise @openjoy . As a grandparent I'd be very happy with that. I'd be able to have a lie in and a gentle start, myself!

It's Christmas - the actual time for showing kindness to people who can be hard to like!

is it an option for your MIL to host? Let her know you’re feeling a bit exhausted organising and hosting Christmas Day. Could you just go to her house for Xmas tea buffet in the evening?I would never leave a family member alone but it must be so frustrating that dh’s sibling won’t do 1 out of 15 years!! That’s disgraceful, and maybe it needs to be spelt out to them how unreasonable they are, they may even feel a bit embarrassed.
I also think it’s unfair that MIL takes over Xmas a bit too. It’s a bit rude to control the TV and expect to be waited on, no matter her age!

She really doesn't sound that bad

Why not go out to eat.

I couldn't leave my MIL alone on Christmas Day. She can be a PITA and I'm not kindness personified but I just couldn't do this.

Christmas should be about family being together - she's part of your family OP.

If your parents and mother in law have spent the last fifteen years together at yours, how do they get on? Could the three of them book a Xmas lunch out somewhere together or have your siblings actually stepped up to the mark with your parents?

Honestly, in this situation my husband would likely message his siblings and say look we have hosted mum for fifteen years along with inlaws. The kids are getting older and we have never had one Xmas to chill ourselves and we are doing it this year. If you won't spend one year with mum for the first time in 15 years, shel be spending it alone, stop being so selfish.

I hosted for many years so know how much works goes into it, it's tougher when DC are small and need more attention /present assembly whilst you're cooking when they get to teens it's easier.
Personally I couldn't leave MIL alone on Xmas day unless she was completely toxic. I agree DHs siblings should step up but if they won't then you and DH have to decide what you are comfortable with.
Your xmas's like this may be limited, parents die, DC move away.
Can you reschedule the day like pp have suggested? Ask to arrive half an hour before dinner ie 2.30 so you have a more relaxing morning ( if cooking a Xmas dinner can be called relaxing!)
What is it the MIL does that causes extra work? Can she get her own drinks and snacks /ask her to help herself, can you choose what TV shows you will watch, games you will play etc? Maybe she has to take you as you are so you don't bend over backwards to accommodate her every whim but Imo Xmas is about family and that means compromise so I personally I would not leave a parent alone on Xmas day.
Can you do a special Xmas eve or boxing day with just the 5 of you?

I’d never leave one of my parents alone on Christmas Day, my daughter would never choose to leave one of her grandparents alone either. I couldn’t enjoy myself knowing I’d left them alone.

This

Personally I wouldn’t do this I don’t feel anyone should be alone at Christmas, and also because I don’t know how many Christmas’ I have left with my parents as they age. Probably more raw in this house as SiL died just before Christmas one year and MiL unexpectedly just after. Equally it’s probably because Christmas’ or my childhood are full of great memories of being with family. After all I always feel I could be with my immediate family any day. However my family are really chilled everyone brings a dish and they even take home their own washing up. This is what we’ve created though all together. Could you reduce your workload by giving out jobs? Also one of the things we have perfected is that we all have Christmas in our own families in the morning, all meet for lunch and then all go to our own homes for late evening PJs and Christmas telly. I suppose it’s all about what Christmas means to an individual to us it’s about family and being together with the ones you love.

@Pixiedust88 sorry wrong tag and I can't deleted @PicturePlace like scrooge?

Even scrooge has an epiphany doesn't he and understandS himself with the assistance of the the ghosts.

@Jumpers4goalposts all very well when people get on help each other out and enjoy each other's company?
With my family although some characters are demanding and difficult there is lots of chatter, stories, laughter, grimaces...

With dh we sat with what must have been 8 people over 18 and no one barely said a word and ate in silence. In the cold. In a very large suposedely grand house talking about saving money. I can say it was mine and dc most miserable Xmas.

As I mentioned earlier what if this is ops last Xmas? Another Xmas marred by her mil and spiny donkeys work?

People are being subjective and only thinking about who they know and their relatives.

They both have other children that could take a turn this year! They're shit for refusing to host their own parents just once in 15 years!! Why should you, your husband or your children feel guilty for them being alone and the others just don't give a crap, that is terrible 😣I hope the others get no inheritance for being so selfish!

The parents did make the decision - they decided after 15 years of hosting, they'd had enough. Guilt made the husband ask the children what they wanted and, quelle surprise, they'd like a Christmas with just their immediate family too.

No one's suggesting OP and her DH tell their respective parents that they're not invited because the children don't want them there. It's cruel and dishonest. They don't need to say anything more than they've already said - after 15 years, we'd like a Christmas with just us and the kids this year.

Edited - above was in response to @pinkyredrose

@openjoy

this Op! @openjoy

i hate the term “just my little family” - it’s so naff and twee 🤢

I could never leave my mother on her own for Xmas day if she hadn’t done anything to warrant it - and neither would my children chose to leave their grandparent on their own!

Probably do the same thing most people that are alone do every day of the year.

it’s always funny how people on one hand will go on about it being just a. Day can always do it the day before or after. Apart from the person obviously who must have it that day..

I’ve no idea where the “my little family” quote came from. It wasn’t any of mine.

Could you eat out? We have done that a few times and honestly I never want to go back! It feels weird it all you’ve ever done is eat at home but the atmosphere is so lovely and no cooking on Xmas is life changing! Then you could have the morning as a 5 and meet everyone else out? No hosting and best of both worlds.

Thank you for all of the advice as I had asked. The comments and the vote appear to be the opposite but it’s irrelevant.

It’s been really helpful to see suggestions to make it work for everyone and that does seem to be a reduced time of hosting. This is what we are going to go with.

I think my initial post came from a place of frustration, mainly toward siblings for not being more amenable, but also as some of you have pointed out - this is has been 15 years and I’d just like 1 year with our door closed. So would the children. That doesn’t make any of us nasty people. I also see that I’ve set a precedent and left it last minute to change that for this year.

Ultimately no one is going to be on their own at Christmas. We will adjust.

I’ll sow the seed for next year on Boxing Day ;-)

This was what we thought we would try .. but having looked around, everywhere is already fully booked.

I can really understand where you’re coming from and that you don’t want to leave MIL on her own either. It’s tricky. Not sure if this helps but Christmas Day for us is always about seeing family, whether hosting or driving round various houses for them to see the kids and vice versa. BUT Boxing Day is very strictly just for me, DH and our kids. I love it as much as Christmas Day! The pressure is off, the kids have their new toys, we have leftovers or make Christmas dinner just for us, movies, lots of chocolate and no rules, no entertaining.

I love seeing family on Christmas Day and I love closing the door to the rest of the world on Boxing Day! Even when family are visiting from other areas we see them Christmas Day but not on Boxing Day. And it’s entirely acceptable as we saw them during the main event 😁

The kids look forward to it too.