Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

If people want a quiet Christmas in their own home so be it. If they can happily and comfortably sit round the table enjoying their Christmas meal and enjoying each others company at the same time knowing one of their parents is completely alone then they are a different type of person to me .

You asked the kids. They told you and you should respect what they said. It's not treating your kids right to backtrack

Your DH has TWO siblings...every other poster seems to be forgetting that?

It isn't on YOU.

Stick to your guns and tell DH to sort. He shouldn't have asked the kids if he didn't want to respect their decision.

They failed to mention their granny would be spending the day alone. It wasn’t an informed decision.

Oh great, it's not enough the 16 Yr old has never had a decent Christmas due to nan being boring and selfish, now they get roped in to serve the lazy cow too? Poor child should get to enjoy at least one Christmas day I think.

You think the 15:16 year old doesn’t know

Lets face it they know nobody else wants her.

And it wasn't even a decision. They were asked what their ideal Christmas Day would be. The question wasn't posed in a way that implied that the kids were making a decision, or even that their opinion would lead to their parents making a particular decision.

Boring, selfish, lazy cow....wow! Stay classy, LemonPeonies 😳

Same here and I love it x

It's the truth. If you get offended that easily perhaps refrain from being on the Internet.

Yes, because it would certainly ruin Christmas for the 16 year old to have to make a couple of drinks wouldn't it! Ha!!.. After all, the poor darlings have very obviously NEVER had a decent Christmas (well done OP.. you've completely ruined ALL your children's Christmases by letting your MIL watch telly at yours and serving her drinks on Christmas day)!

I wonder what sort of entitled children you are raising/have raised if you really think Christmas is being "spoiled" by children having to spend time with their grandparents and pitching in with a few chores.. someone call Childline!

🤣 I'm not spoiling my children by not having an old fashioned view point that children should be seen, not heard. Or children should come second after old people who take over the whole house. Have you read the OP? Perhaps do, it's insightful. Luckily none of my family would come round and pretend to be incapable, ignore us and watch TV all day. Sounds crap and could be any day. What does she do every day , not eat and drink? If your ideal Christmas is ignoring your own kids to wait on someone like that hand and foot then I feel sorry for any children YOU might have.

Oh come on. Children are only children and especially little children for so long. So
damn well my priority would be to give them a good Christmas more so while they believe over a 60 or 70 year old getting waited on hand and food watching bloody corrie or whatever else is on all day Christmas Day. While wanting to basically ignore the children. Which are no doubt her whole reason for wanting to be there. Such lies.

Come eat food take part and go home or don’t come and don’t take part and maybe get a plate delivered. But nobody gets to decide my house runs like a fucking deaths waiting room on Christmas Day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could never see anyone alone at christmas. Its really cruel, especially this close to the day.
i like a PPs suggestion of tailoring the day to suit YOU but keep MIL involved. Tell her you’re having a telly free christmas and have loads of board games or whatever to entertain everyone. If she’d rather stay at home and watch eastenders then that’s up to her.

I think it's you that needs to re-read the OPs posts.. where does it say that she ignores her kids? or that the children come second to the MIL? I'll save you the trouble.. It doesn't, I wonder if you're projecting?

The MIL doesn't 'pretend' to be incapable, she has got used to the hospitality and routine that OP has provided for years, if OP asked her to get her own drinks or switch off the tv I'm sure she would, she just never has because OP obviously feels obliged to be a 'good' host, she doesn't ask anything of her MIL and the MIL doesn't contribute anything.. after 15 years OP has had enough and understandably wants to change things up, she should have tried being more assertive years ago IMO and then she wouldn't feel stuck being the 'good' host every year.

Thank you for your concern, but this would never happen in my house, because I expect people to pitch in, they are welcome to come round and they do! We normally have a morning and afternoon shift actually to break it up a bit. But everyone helps out, makes food, gets drinks, plays with the kids, I certainly wouldn't invite someone round for 12 hours of the day who couldn't get with the programme, they would be invited round for a few hours for dinner then either left to their own devices in another room if they didn't want to join in, or shipped off home.

She literally said MIL ignores the grandchildren to watch TV all day and expects to be waited on. Read through all the posts. How could I be projecting when none of this situation applies to me? Mumsnet is so weird .

Definitely not being unreasonable. DH and I have hosted Christmas for 25 years. It’s exhausting. It was fine when the children were young but it’s continued and we now host them, grandchildren, elderly relatives and friends. The trouble is, you do it a few times and it then becomes assumed with no question. This year, finally, we’ll be on our own as we’re going away for the week. Can’t wait.

This. I would not my mother (or DH's mother or father if they were alone) on her own for Christmas. I can't imagine you could have a nice day knowing she was on her own. And I don't think you are sending your children the right message by leaving her alone.

I'm not talking about the MIL, you inferred OP was ignoring her own kids:

If your ideal Christmas is ignoring your own kids to wait on someone.

I said OP never said she ignored her own kids, she has never said that anywhere so why would you assume that and accuse other people of doing it too? You seem awfully quick to call MIL a boring, selfish, lazy cow (your words).. which is an extreme interpretation of what OP has actually said in her posts. Normally when people read between the lines and come up with things that aren't actually in the OP's posts it is a case of them obviously projecting their own thoughts and feelings into the situation, your previous response is a case in point.

Oh great, it's not enough the 16 Yr old has never had a decent Christmas due to nan being boring and selfish, now they get roped in to serve the lazy cow too? Poor child should get to enjoy at least one Christmas day I think.

Maybe you're just one of those posters who likes to read what OP puts them pull a complete backstory out of your arse to fill in the gaps and then have the audacity to call it the 'truth' .. okay then.

The op said MIL ignores the grandchildren. The op said she needs to see to miles every need, so yes the children are being quite ignored. You won't change my opinion by being argumentative. I don't care about your opinion. Get a life.

The op says they can't spend as much time as they would like as they are seeing to mills needs.
She said the dc feel it and have probably felt it for 16 years.

This should have been sorted years ago.
When the kids were smaller.

Or maybe the mil would relish a Christmas to herself.
The only way you'll know is to ask her.

I agree. And how would you feel in years to come if it was you left alone op cos your son's wife diesn't want you there?

The op said MIL ignores the grandchildren.. The op said she needs to see to miles every need.

It's not quite what the OP has said, but if OP is really "seeing to her MIL's every need" instead of spending time with her own kids then that is on OP for doing that and allowing that, it doesn't make the MIL a boring, selfish, lazy cow who has single handedly ruined her grandchildren's Christmas for the last 15 years, like you seem to be insistent on.

Never mind get a life, I think you need to get a grip.

If you live close by, could you plate up a meal for mil and pop for an hour late afternoon! It would appease your dh and let your dc know that kindness to others is important. This may be her last Christmas and dh could be left feeling resentful!

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