Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

How dramatic. ‘Decades of lonely Christmases ahead of her’ because she skipped one with the extended family in favour of her kids, when she has hosted them for 15 bloody years! Don’t be ridiculous.

You're allowed to have the xmas day you want, OP. If that means just you and the kids then that's fine. You don't have to be the one to entertain the MIL. You've put in the time. And your kids have made their position on it clear - they don't feel that she adds anything to their day. We've got a relative coming to us for xmas this year (for the first time in over a decade - this person invited themselves and put me in a corner where it was difficult to say no. I wish I had. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Just as with you, this person will expect to be waited on hand and foot, to have control over the TV, and my kids will hide in their bedrooms because they always do when this person visits). My youngest will have to sleep on the floor because we don't actually have a spare bed. It's going to be a shit Christmas. None of us want this apart from the person who has invited themselves. I can still remember hideous childhood christmases spent trapped in the house with various relatives who didn't like each other but felt obliged to be together because it was that time of year.

You are allowed to enjoy xmas too. If this person being there means you don't enjoy it, you're allowed to not invite them just this once. If the relative wants to see people on Xmas day, that is not your problem to solve. (as you can tell, I'm pretty grumpy about christmas this year).

I don’t think that Christmas Day is all about kids.

I meant the adult kids-Op's & her husband's siblings.

They do what they want-why can't Op & her husband?

Definitely reshape the day.

She comes over at 2. Christmas dinner at 3. Board games at whatever time suits you and movie of your choice at whatever suits you.

If she wants to come, she will have to fit around you. Not the other way.

Be upfront about it. It's too much work, you want to enjoy it more.

She can leave earlier if she wants.

Don’t host. We’ve hosted for probably the past 10 years. Because no one else can afford it or for example, MIL’s controlling partner won’t allow her to have family to visit (so we host and she comes to us for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day without her partner). It’s hell. I hate it.

I don’t get any time with my dc. BIL/SIL who are childfree by choice love it because they get a big family Christmas with all the fun bits and we slave away cooking and cleaning and organising everyone’s days out (they come for a whole bloody week 😩). I have cancer this year so Dh has said sorry, we’re having a quiet one, but I’m not going back. Maybe might host everyone for Christmas lunch only every 3 years, but I’m passing the baton. Do it and enjoy your Christmas. You can see them all another day.

100% agreed. The selfishness on this thread is striking

Fine, his choice was to do things differently. He wanted his parents attention all to himself and kids generally do. But that doesn’t mean that it’s what should be done. Children are not emperors around whom the whole family have to fuss, even if they like it so.
Hopefully your husband now gets all the quiet and attention he craved at Christmas, now that’s it’s just his immediate family.

Will you though he happy when your children do the exact same.

I don't think it's unreasonable, but I do think your siblings are selfish a'holes though. It won't hurt them to host their parent/s for once!

Have you got your own pearls to clutch or would you like to borrow some?

🤣
People are allowed to do Christmas differently you know. No need to get so defensive about my DHs (and my) choices. Our Christmas is great fun, no drama and the kids really look forward to it.
And to answer your question - I will be happy for my children to celebrate Christmas in any way that makes them happy as they get older.
We aren’t all entitled control freaks who want to hijack other peoples plans just because it’s Christmas Day.

The lovers of dramatics seems to forget that we're talking about one year in fifteen.

It's just as likely that if the MIL comes that the dc will remember that they were never first with their parents at Christmas so decide that they always wanted a Christmas with just their family and decide that's what they're doing, so don't invite the parents.

As many people decide to do things opposite to how their parents did it if they didn't enjoy it, as decide to follow in their footsteps.

Or maybe they will marry an only child who has a single parent who lives 400 miles away (and can't drive) so always feel obliged to go there so the OP will never see them for Christmas.

Or it might be that they do decide to follow in their parents' footsteps and not invite them one year in fifteen. She might then have decades of lonely Christmases if she lives for over another 300 years. I'm sure the Op will cope with that.

No-one has a right to be hosted on Christmas Day. I don’t understand the notion that some posters are arguing that because other siblings have refused to host the MIL that that means have to host her. You’ve done 15 years. Time for a break. If other siblings don’t step up that’s their decision. Sometimes you’ve got to put you and your family first - if not now, when? Time to stop feeling guilty and have the Christmas YOU want.

Perfect 😂

There are lots of people sharing memories of childhood Christmases dominated and ruined by elderly relatives. Are those of you desperate to not be left out quite sure you are not that controlling older relative who must have what they want?

Everyone who is berating the OP and saying that she will reap what she has sown when her own kids exclude her from their Christmas celebration are completely ignoring the 15 years that OP has hosted her parents and her MIL. Therefore, her kids should host her for 15 years running before even considering not inviting her.

The OP is obviously concerned about leaving her MIL on her own, and will probably invite her again this year, while trying to tackle the behaviour that makes MIL such an unpleasant guest.

Can you allow a compromise, send Husband to pick her up 12.30 over for lunch, she eats with you, pulls crackers and then gets returned home after the King’s speech for her tv. Kids get a chilled morning. And back to board games and films after she’s gone. Husband will be pleased to drive her home, ‘before it gets dark’ as he can have drink afterwards.

OP imagine it’s Christmas Day - your parents and MIL are all alone at their own homes - your turkey will stick in Your throat from guilt!

I don’t think YABU but I wouldn’t leave MIL alone. Perfectly fine to want to spend it as a family of 5 though, hopefully someone else will offer to host her.

@Rachand23 that's a bit dramatic, how do you think people cope if they don't have DC to spend Christmas with when they are older. And OP's parents aren't on their own they have each other.

The other siblings also manage to eat their turkey with no guilt, maybe they are the ones people need to be focussing on.

I voted YABU. I know it sounds awful but I would find it hard to leave a grandparent on their own on Christmas day. Unless they were an absolute miserable selfish f**r who did nothing for anyone else.

I totally understand the urge to not have guests though. If my MIL was hard work, I'd probably feel the same as you, but I would also end up martyring myself anyway.

We'll probably be in that situation before long, as our parents/step parents are getting older and dying.

Just have her over, I totally understand the situation as we are in the exact same boat. We are the ones that always host my MIL - Christmas, her bday, Mother's day. She's got 4 kids but they do their own thing, one goes away with his wife as they get hosted by her family, one is divorced and the other one would just spend it with his own family and never host, so for 12 years it has been us...it's annoying and not because we don't want to host her, she is good company but it kinda bothers me that her other kids won't even make the effort or even think that maybe we don't want to have people over every year and maybe they should take a turn, as a mum I am sure shed like to spend time with her other kids sometimes at Christmas ...but if course we'll never leave any family members to spend Christmas alone.

Why won't the other children host their mother? Perhaps DH can start laying the guilt on them.

I think the time to deal with this precedent was 15 yrs ago. I'd have had no problem turning down or 63yr old or alternating Christmas. I think I'd struggle a bit more with a more elderly parent.

My in laws are in their 80s and while they are together I feel no real obligation but would not exclude them if they were on their own

My mom and dad had my mom’s parents every Christmas up until they both died. We never once had my dad’s parents. Me and my sister preferred it that way as we were the only grandchildren. My dad has three sisters and his parents always used to go to his older sisters house for Christmas. We’ve offered to have both sets of parents at our house for Christmas and my sister has offered to have our parents and her boyfriend’s parents as well so I’m none of them spend it as just them. They would rather us go to them then then come to either of us which suits me as I hate cooking Christmas dinner for so many people with so many different foods as me I don’t eat turkey, my dad doesn’t eat white meat and I dont eat Christmas pudding as I don’t eat nuts

We always had the mornings over Christmas on our own. Maybe your MIL. could come in the afternoon just a little before dinner. Mind you ,it depends when you sit down I guess.I'm in Scotland so we don't sit down as early as I've experienced in England. Friends and family arrive for 2pm .Plenty time alone as a family until then! Drinks on arrival ,gifts under the tree. Dinner starts at 3ish. I offer coffee and a liquor around 6.30pm.Then we exchange gifts. One of the menfolk plays Santa. Good cue for folks to start thinking about locating their coats. Lol! Everyone is waved off with a hug by 8pm. It's all over and a lovely afternoon/ evening has been had by all. Don't do long/late Christmas Days anymore. Good luck ,whatever you decide!

What do you mean she needs hosting?? Maybe you should relax and focus on your kids while she’s there she’d probably be happier that way anyway