My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

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To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

Specifically with talking last thing at night. You need an outlet that doesn't involve keeping him up. Journal? Or a soothing hobby like colouring, knitting, music for when your mind starts to race?

It sounds like you have lots of problems floating around your head the whole time, seemingly without any solution. That's exhausting.

Get a big piece of paper and write it all down. For each problem, think of one thing you could do that might help, even if it's a 1% improvement. So for stress at work it might be a ten min walk at lunch, or using to do lists, or prioritising tasks a different way. For back pain maybe it's using heat packs or walking every day or stretches. For heart health maybe it's changing your diet or finding a support group or reading a book on it.

Think of one nice thing you could do for your partner each day as well. A compliment, a cup of tea, a meal, making the bed. Tiny but positive things.

You might like matt haig books too, he writes a lot about depression.

He is just as bad starting a conversation at ten thirty and whining it takes too long please don't move in together

Oh honey you are trying to fix everything at once. Just breathe. You don’t need to overhaul your life. Be kind to yourself and gently encourage yourself into a a new habit one small step at a time.

Today might be sitting in the daylight for 15 minutes. That would be a great habit to get into.

You are already amazing and you won’t always feel so low x

I am not the OP but I just wanted to thank those who have posted so many both inspirational and practical ideas on this thread. I live with chronic pain and sometimes it is so hard to be motivated to do anything. I have just wasted an hour sitting on the sofa watching a rerun of Location x 3, but the sun is shining and my pain level is manageable at the moment, so I'm off out on my wonderful electric bike for a bit. Good luck OP.

I've seen people like you who go through a lot of medical professionals, countless therapies and medications. None of it makes a difference to them, it's always "nothing works" or "that was shite", never recognizing the help and opportunities they'd actually got.

So like PP said, while wallowing in victim mode, you will not find any real inspiration or solution, because all your energy is taken up by self-pity and rumination.

Swimming is nice and relaxing sometimes I used just float as I don’t sink lol but it’s better for joints

Tbh OP you sound a bit determined to build up a picture of health problems...

I think its important to realise very few people have perfect health. Most people, most of the time, have a few niggles, maybe its a dodgy back, maybe its hormones running amok, some are a bit prone to cystitis, some people have an ongoing irregular heart rhythym, or high blood pressure, or migraines, low iron.

Its actually quite normal to have a few bits and bobs of health concerns and I think you sound a bit in a mindset of feeling your health is lots worse than other peoples, when really it probably isnt in the grand scheme of things.

Yes you are bound to have days worse than others and nobody expects everyone to bein an amazing mood all the time but i wonder if you are dwelling on the negatives a bit too much and wallowing a bit?

I will add - I can see why BF is frustrated because it is very frustrating to someone on the outside trying to help someone stuck in this kind of mindset.

OTOH, he is a tiny bit out of order to push you to share what is bothering you and then complain about the fact that you went into a long, circular conversation which brought him down, when the initial reason you were reluctant to talk is that you didn't want to bring the mood down.

What might help here/what has helped between me and DH, is for you to approach him at a different time of day and say honestly, something like "BF, I know that I can be frustrating and it looks like I don't want to help myself. I am really trying and I appreciate your support. Last night, you told me that you dislike it when I get into a spiral and bring the mood down. But when I was staying quiet, that's because I knew I would go into that spiral, and I was trying not to do that. I can try to be more honest about this when that comes up."

Then if you know what WOULD be helpful from his side, tell him so. For example "When I'm feeling like that, I just want some company."

Sometimes I just had to do this over some kind of text-based medium because I knew trying to have a face to face conversation would descend into the same emotions (from me and him) and it wouldn't help.

But she clearly knew it has potential to go that way which was why she initially said there was nothing wrong. He pushed it.

This in itself can be the actual crux of the problem though and an experienced therapist can successfully work with this - it’s just that a few sessions of CBT won’t cut it! The NHS needs to fund more depth therapies but that’s another issue.

See the problem is. People will wave pom poms for those who help themselves. But the second they say they won't do something because it's boring and just want to endlessly navel gaze. People lose patience and ultimately stop trying.

It has to come from you. If I'm feeling down I don't tell people I'm feeling down. Because that puts an expectation on them. I round up the troops and say I need a giggle and that's what we do.

My pal is a big navel gazer. I love her dearly but I will swerve her if it gets too much. It drains you.

I totally get that when you're feeling down it's hard to do anything. I've been there but it's honestly worth it.

A little walk ( unless your back pain doesn't permit this)

A little swim ( supports joints better) then in the jacuzzi or sauna.

Going out for breakfast - even if just to a cheap and cheerful Wetherspoons

Reading a book

Baking a cake

Little things will help xx

OP I have been you and know that that side of me is still lurking inside of me, ready to take over if I let it.
You have to set yourself a routine. You cannot wait for motivation or will power to strike, or for cast iron proof that the things you’re going to do will definitely work. You just have to decide what your routine is going to be and DO IT.
You will have to be strict with yourself and ready to shout down the internal voice that tells you there’s no point, it won’t work, you don’t feel like it etc. Telling your partner what your routine is going to be will help for accountability.
Please do try to make an appointment to discuss medication - there may yet be a combination that will work better for you. Make sure you’re taking vitamins - magnesium and Vitamin D are essential for your sleep, energy and mood. Biotin will really help with your skin and nails, as will selenium.

You deserve to feel better than you do right now. You deserve to enjoy the body you have and the life you’ve got. Your partner deserves a partner who wants these things for themselves.

OP something has to change or everything stays the same and you’ll have this circular conversation as long as BF sticks around to hear it.
its hard but you have to keep striving and trying anything

I doubt he could foresee it being an hour and a half long and going on to midnight🙄

@Plastictrees OP said she is in the assessment process for ADHD. That is not self diagnosis.

If you have chronic back pain then you can't just launch into "exercise". There's no point recommending running or whatever else if we don't know what OP is physically capable of or what may exacerbate the pain.

What is causing the pain? Have you seen a physio (not an nhs one, their remit is to make symptoms go away long enough to discharge you, not necessarily actually fix it) or had any sort of investigation into it?

I know, I was talking more broadly and in relation to PPs who were keen to diagnose ADHD based on the OP. I literally acknowledged the fact that the OP is seeking a proper diagnosis in my post.

Yes, all the OPs problems could be solved by dumping the boyfriend 🙄.

OP you've had some great advice and helpful suggestions here, hopefully you can find the motivation to change something. I've been there, it's hard.

This is going to sound sexist and it isn’t meant to be but men can often be quite ‘solution focussed’. So when you are upset / saying what you feel is wrong they can jump to ‘trying to solve it’ rather than sitting with your feelings and emphasising. And it can then feel like a rejection when you don’t want to or can’t try to apply their solutions because that was their way of showing they cared and them trying to help.
He sounds like he wants to support you but he doesn’t know how. You don’t know how either so how can he? But if you genuinely feel there is no hope, then you need to be asking for support with that (whether it is medication or therapy) because otherwise you won’t feel better. And you deserve to feel better.

There are plenty of exercise options beyond the gym.

I don't find the gym relaxing. I much prefer walking, swimming etc gives me more mental as well as physical benefits.

Cold water swimming is really good for your mood. I know it might sound mad but it's hard to see the sun coming up over the sea and remains inside yourself.

Can you suggest a nice walk with your boyfriend today?

Do you get out of the house enough?

I find forcing myself out very necessary. If I stay in I feel down and lethargic.

Even if I have to go out in the wind and rain, at least when I get back in again I feel I've earned it and the house that was boring and bringing me down becomes a warm sanctuary again. I hate the feeling sitting about in pyjamas all day gives you but putting them back on after a wet walk and sitting by the fire with a hot chocolate is totally different.

You need to try and find something that lifts you. That doesn't mean to a state of exceptional happiness but at least something that stops you falling into a deep rut.

I can see why he's frustrated. Collecting diagnoses and shunning any practical advice isn't going to be helping you at all.

I hear you. I really don’t like running (or any other exercise, unfortunately!) but I aim for 3x per week and usually manage 2x per week anyway. I don’t generally get the endorphin rush etc, so I wouldn’t say I feel better after I’ve exercised. BUT I feel a bit more positive about myself and that I’m looking after my body. Maybe try viewing it more that way?

Running 'a few times' will not work. Exercise needs to be part of your routine. Something you always do. It fills up space and time that you would normally sit around moping.

You go for the longterm health benefits physical and mental, not short term.

I understand you are in a rut but I would find it horribly frustrating to be with someone who wants to complain about issues for hours, but finds suggestions to help it , "boring ".
Aren't you more bored of complaining?

OP hasn't come back. I'm afraid she is treating Mumsnet like she treats her boyfriend - playing the yes but game.
OP, if you're reading this, you've had some excellent advice including from posters who have been where you are. Please try some, you sound so unhappy.