My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

[Cooky1998]

To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

Don’t take any actions expecting an immediate result, they’re pretty rare in life. Take the right action regardless of the result. View the action as the result in itself.

If nothing else, you’ll be able to say to medical professionals that you exercise regularly which will make you feel better about yourself and also they will see you are taking responsibility for your health.

I disagree that you need to exercise “properly”, gym 3x a week etc.

you’ve tried that, you don’t enjoy it, it doesn’t make you feel good, so you stop. It’ll end up a vicious cycle where you start with good intentions, hate it, stop, then feel down about not being able to keep it up.

find something that works for you. Start with a walk. Even if it’s to the shop for a chocolate bar or a magazine, or a coffee shop for a coffee. I hate exercise for exercise sake, so I have to build in a “reason”.

start doing that daily. Get yourself out, do something nice for yourself while you’re out. Think about every journey- can you walk rather than drive? Could you cycle? Sometimes even a walk to the bus stop and get a bus- you will interact with people on a low level and get out of the isolation.

once you’ve built that routine think about what else you might like- dance class? Zumba? Adult ballet? Swim? Even if it’s a float around and a sauna. Give it a try, if you hate it, no guilt, try something else. Archery, shooting, darts, anything to get you out and moving.

you need to build movement into your life and get out of the mindset that exercise is going to the gym 3x a week. I don’t think that helps if you have to force yourself to do something you hate.

As someone myself who has a long term, chronic illness, I feel you and understand despair. It sounds completely reasonable to be so fed up.

Equally, I have seen how difficult it is to live with someone with chronic issues. My illness limits my lifestyle, my husband actually gets carers allowance due to how much he has to do around the house, we can’t travel like we used to, etc etc.

When I received some online support for my condition from the NHS, they actually put on a session for partners as they recognised how tough it is for them as well.

I have sympathy for both of you.

@Cooky1998 can you try to live as healthily as possible, sleep, food, water? It’s frustrating when it looks as though someone isn’t doing all they can to help themselves.

Regarding exercise, right now you almost definitely would benefit more from something like yoga, than cardio (especially if you’re waiting to get your heart checked!)

I’ve started following someone on instagram about exercising with chronic illness. She recently posted that when you’re fatigued, if getting up and doing some exercise makes you feel better, your nervous system has possibly been stuck in ‘fight, flight, freeze’ and the exercise is helpful. However if the exercise doesn’t make you feel better or makes you feel worse then you’re physically fatigued and need to rest or do much lower impact.

Sometimes I fake a smile and pretend I feel better than I do, especially in front of my adult kids. Nobody wants to live with a droopy Deirdre.

Today can you have a shower and put the radio on. Maybe look at some online yoga apps, have a nice lunch and suggest a stroll around the park?

Good luck x

And although the phrases can be hackneyed, develop a positive mindset. I always think of this quote (Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher):

Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Sorry OP, but living your life alongside someone who constantly moans, feels depressed, cannot see a way forward, gives up after little effort can be utterly draining, and if any relationship, be it partners, siblings, child/parent, friends is to be maintained, there has to be some sort of recognition, some sustained effort, some changes made, otherwise it’s not going to work. Start with some basics, take each day, then week focussing on what bit of your life you want to improve. Any exercise is good, getting out into fresh air is good, focussing on anything else but yourself is extremely good. But you have to sustain to see improvement. If you think you need medical advice, go and get it, but self care is the starting point, both physically and mentally.
Good luck with it

Without wanting to de-rail the thread / support for the OP I just want to say to be cautious of self-diagnosing ADHD or others diagnosing based on your post. ADHD is essentially chronic dysregulation of the fight or flight system and poor executive functioning; many other things can mimic this e.g trauma, somatic disorders, thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies. I work in this area and your post didn’t immediately scream ADHD to me, but I guess I work in a more holistic and less diagnostic way. I understand you are going through a clinical assessment process anyway which is absolutely the right thing to do. There is just so much misinformation about neurodivergence online and people are so quick to leap to armchair diagnosis without considering the broader context and the complex interplay of other factors which are important.

Finally OP I wanted to encourage you again to seek therapy - if it hasn’t helped before, a change of approach may be needed. CBT for example does not work for everyone, and given your pain issues I think a more integrative approach would be helpful. You will be able to get an initial assessment through the NHS and go from there. In the meantime I echo what PPs have said - focus on small changes. Best of luck OP.

OP this sounds so hard and I'm really sorry you're having such difficult times.

Your DP is being unfair to you about the conversation timing issue - he pressed you to be honest late at night so can't really complain about the fact that you WERE honest! Poor self-awareness on his part, too.

On the bigger issue of not believing that anything will work: I wonder what your definition of something 'working' might be. In my own experience of mental health (I have persistent difficulties with anxiety and low mood myself and also work as a therapist with a lot of people with various challenges - obviously this doesn't mean I can understand your own experience!)... if is unlikely that anyone's mental health will go from bad to 'fine' just like that. Yes some people recover completely but for a lot of people, recovery is more about finding ways to live with the challenges and not let them stop us from having an overall good life.

Applying techniques learnt in therapy, exercise and lifestyle changes, talking to the people we love... it might be better to see these as things to help maintain good mental health or give yourself a decent chance of coping rather than as possible 'solutions / cures'. None of these things will take the pain and difficulty away. They might help build you up so that you're in a better place to live your life, though, especially if you're able to be consistent in sticking with things.

What would it mean to you for anything to 'work'?

I wish you all the best in dealing with this - things are clearly really hard.

You do sound completely draining OP.
Not interested at all in anyone's suggestions.
My phrase for you is:
"If nothing changes, nothing changes."
You have to make a change, losing weight is complex and hard but it's very worth it, not just for the self esteem boost but for health benefits too. Ditto exercise.
It's in your gift to change your life.
The power is in you.
There will be no magic bullet that comes along.
Don't make excuses.
You get one life and if you were born in 1998, you're still a baby, don't waste this beautiful life, drain every second of enjoyment from it while you take the rough with the smooth as everyone has to.

Have you got supportive friends? I’ve been in several funks like this over the years (diagnosed bipolar II and the depressive phases are brutal) and I’ve got friends and a DH who help me hold myself accountable. I know deep down what works but in a depressive phase I don’t want to do it, so having other people involved can help.

For example, I’ve got one friend who I do a gym class with once a week and if I don’t go she can’t go as I’m her lift and that makes me get out and get active.

I’ve got another friend who I walk our dogs with once a week and she (at my request!) simply doesn’t accept cancellations, I have to go.

Other things that have helped me:

Massive reduction in screen time - blue light setting off, apps capped at an hour a day.

An hour minimum outside every single day, non negotiable. The dog helps.

Creating a schedule for the week (planning in down time) and sticking to it.

DH has GAD and can get into what I call “loop” conversations like you. We set a timer, on the advice of his therapist. It also took him four attempts at therapy to gel with a therapist and see notable differences.

Mental health problems are hard, we both live with our own and each others, but it does get better if you put things in place to help. We have generally very happy lives and our MH is a background blip not a defining feature. If you change nothing then nothing ever changes.

Based on how you've spoken about him in your op (e.g. making you start a long conversation late at night and then, erm, complaining that you start long conversations late at night ) the first change I'd make is binning him off tbh.

There is no magic bullet that will instantly make you feel better. It sounds like you’re waiting for that, and it’s not going to happen. Nothing changes unless you change it.

A combination of medication (ADHD meds and antidepressants), HRT, high dose Vit D & iron supplements, yoga, walking, sleep, meditation and a daily gratitude practice and absolutely no alcohol have improved my mental health and wellbeing over the last few years. None of these alone magically make me feel amazing, but in combination they put me in a better mindset, where I’m hopeful and optimistic and don’t catastrophize.

Keep going with the health and ADHD investigations. Absolutely DO try to get some daily exercise. Some sort of ‘spiritual’ practice (not religious, but meditation, yoga, gratitude etc) could be very helpful.

Here are some inspirational quotes about making small changes to get started on something:

“Whatever you are, be a good one.” ― Abraham Lincoln

“Magic is believing in yourself. If you can make that happen, you can make anything happen” – Goethe

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up” – Babe Ruth

“True life is lived when tiny changes occur” – Leo Tolstoy

“We first make our habits, and then our habits make us” – John Dryden

“Good habits, once established are just as hard to break as are bad habits” – Robert Puller

“Habits are safer than rules; you don’t have to watch them. And you don’t have to keep them, either. They keep you” – Frank Crane

“Life is from the inside out. When you shift on the inside, life shifts on the outside” – Kamal Ravikant

“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine” – John C. Maxwell

“Let today be the day you give up who you’ve been for who you can become.” – Hal Elrod

“First, forget inspiration. Habit is more dependable. Habit will sustain you whether you’re inspired or not” – Octavia Butler

“Eliminate the mindset of can’t – because you CAN do anything” – Tony Horton

“Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the wise man, gathering it little by little, fills himself with good.” – Buddha

“Make sure your worst enemy doesn’t live between your own two ears” – Laird Hamilton

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit” – Aristotle

OP, you've said you're being tested for ADHD, which (if it's the case) will be feeding into everything you've described, and it will have very specific effects which are absolutely not your fault:

• difficulty getting motivated
• finding it very hard to go to bed early or get up on time
• struggling to exercise because of a lack of motivation
• not understanding what's wrong with you that you can't do things that other people find easy

Two bits of advice: firstly, the docs will be able to adjust any meds to allow for the ADHD ones if you are diagnosed. So you can go see your doctor; just make sure they know that you're exploring ADHD (I'm assuming you're going private and your doctor doesn't already know - if they do then they can allow for this).

Secondly, if you have ADHD you need to manage your attention rather than your time. Have a look at Jess McCabe's website here: https://howtoadhd.com - loads of YouTube videos on ADHD and how to manage it. E.g. break things up into teeny tiny bits. If you're paralysed by the thing, don't try to do it all at once - but do go and visit it. For example, you're not going to be able to magically, today, change your life and become someone who loves to exercise. And you're probably not even feeling able to get off the sofa right now, let alone go to the gym. But you could probably get dressed and see how long it takes to walk to the gym. And if that's too hard, just leave the house and walk to the shops and back. And just leave it at that for today.

Making grand plans is one of our favourite things and can break us out of paralysis, but plans to do the thing aren't the thing, so it's better to try to visit the thing first before the plans, or the thing won't get done at all!

If you do get diagnosed, and get prescribed meds, it won't be an overnight change, but you will understand yourself much better and you'll be able to forgive yourself for a lot.

Finally, you don't say how old you are - if you're over 40 perimenopause could be feeding into all of this too. So try not to fall into the trap of believing any of this is a failure of character. And best of luck.

I'm you, without the boyfriend, or a job.
I do take meds that are meant to help and I feel numb.
I'm sorry I don't have any answers but I'm reading with interest 💐

i suffer with mental health so understand completely, i love gardening and love my dog. when im very low i push my self to either do some gardening or walk my dog it does help. please go back to the doctors to try another medication they dont all workj for every person

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod that was really kind of you to post all those brilliant quotes x

Aside from if it is adhd and out of your control, I'm sorry but you do sound hard work and I feel for your bf. I cannot stand people who bat off every solution it is like they want to be stuck in this victim mentality and pity party. Why are you listing things and being negative? Yeah your hair and skin isn't the best, are you just gonna wait to be happy until they're good on their own and more tests, why? You are having hormone tests, so, carry on, it's not life threatening. The pain issues yeah not great nor is the heart tests but sounds like you are just sitting and waiting. I don't believe the tablets don't work either. You have a very dismissive attitude and sound like you are waiting for the world to owe you something. You do have the attitude of a lazy person and before anyone says I'm horrible about mental health etc I'm really not but you are not trying!!

Im sorry to say but real “self care” is not all fluffy socks and bubble bath. It’s commitment day in day out to boring things like good nutrition and daily exercise. It’s not easy but you have to do it. I suggest you try listening to a podcast like “feel better live more” by dr rangan chattergee WHILE you walk for at least half an hour every day. If your back hurts go very gently and slowly but still go.

I think what it comes down to is: are you worth more than this?

When you get into this kind of rut, you can come to think it's basically what you deserve and trying to change things is futile.

You need to care about yourself enough to make change happen. Sounds trite I know.

For daily routines, pretend you are your own pet. You walk a dog, feed them well, groom them etc as a matter of course. Meet your own basic physical needs as a starting point.

I don't know if you like animals or not, but if you do perhaps you could borrow a dog and take it for walks? I don't have a dog, but I take my neighbour's dogs out when he's at work and I have found it's done wonders for my mental health. It would be fairly gentle exercise and fresh air for you too.
If you don't know anyone with a dog you could go on Borrow My Doggy, or register as a volunteer walker with the Cinnamon Trust.

Sometimes just changing one thing can be enough to help you to change more things. But if I were you I'd pick something easy as your first change, it will be easier to stick to.

Thank you, but it wasn't actually a huge amount of work as I've had them saved them in a note to read for inspiration when I was having difficulties at work 😂

My advice is that he should leave you, for his sake. By your own account you spend 99% of your time thinking about nothing except yourself and your problems. In his position I would find that first boring and then intolerable.

Aha! The voice of experience, unfortunately. I hope those difficulties have gone.

Except that's not what happened at all.

He just asked her what's wrong - that's not an invitation for OP to complain and wallow for 2+ hours

You need to put some self care in place.

If not the gym then pilates will help hugely with back pain.

Wash and style your hair every couple of days and use nice shower products.

Introduce a skin care routine: cleansing balm and moisturiser as a minimum.

Look after your hands.

Breathe the air every day and be glad of the blue sky, the rain in the grass.

Identify two pleasurable things about every day.

Make yourself an appointment with a gynaecologist to sort out your hormones. It will probably come to £750 with a few test but will be worth every penny.

If you want to keep your boyfriend, stop whingeing.