To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Ooof. This is true actually though.

@WoolySnail
Don't shift the narrative to suit. It's not OP's fractious relationship with her DH's ex; it's the opposite way round me thinks

I meant they don't get on, not that it was OP's fault?!

I'm confused why you keep saying this when I've said in multiple posts now that I am the one who's suggested that very thing multiple times but been shut down.

DH should collect his kids and bring them over to you and DD for a couple of hours. That is the best solution and the ex should compromise with that rather than OP having to do all the compromising being without her child.

YANBU

If he wants to see the older DC Christmas Day that’s fine, but why should you have to lose time with your child?

Stick to your guns.

I think it's fair that under the circumstances ex has the children for all of Christmas day. You could visit her for a short tim eg 40 minutes.

This is what I said before, surely if he wants to see DSC for a few hours, they can come here for a few hours.

Don’t send your DD there. She’s only 3.

Keep DD with you and try and convince DH to keep the arrangements as they are every year.

The Ex is being controlling.

Don’t change your plans. Otherwise it will change in the future too.

I hope it goes well!

Also what happens if she remains single? Is that it now? This is just every Christmas until she finds a boyfriend.

I guarantee she would not do the same if roles were reversed and me and DH split up.

Stick to your guns OP. Please don’t give in. It’s usually the difficult people who always get their way and others have to compromise.

Mention to DH you would love to have DSC in your home with DD and you have planned everything accordingly. It’s unfortunate ex woman’s relationship has ended but that doesn’t mean Xmas plans need to change for everyone.

Exactly!

Think you are in the wrong here. Christmas is for children and they should come first and foremost.
DH taking his DD to visit her siblings seems perfectly reasonable.
You are an adult and I cannot see why you can't manage on your own for a couple of hours.

Being the devils advocate, I bet he will go over with DD for a “couple of hours” arrive home much much later “ because she was “sad” and he wanted to see the children, they were having a good time blah blah”. Ex gets a lovely day with her children and her ex, he gets a lovely day with his ex and ALL his children, and op gets to stay home alone with the lunch dishes.

no

i would put my foot down, speak to the teenagers, see what they want, and tell DH that his EX has made her bed it’s up to her to lie in it. The teenagers can come to them for a few hours or leave it to Boxing Day, or he goes alone. Though I would put money on it will be for more than a couple of hours. I’m not saying she wants him back, but what she wants is a happy family for Christmas Day.

why should OP give up her “happy family “ because his ex doesn’t have one any more.

1 interesting question though - when he sees the teenagers, when her other partner was there, was it at her place ? Or is this new ? She’s lost her man so will pick up her old one to either replace or make do until this next ?

Her life has changed.

Yours hasn't.

DSC should do as they normally do.

Which means split the day. If that means she is alone for half a day- that's just the way it is.

Both options he suggested accommodate EX at your expense.

Normally I'd say suck it up. But nope. I wouldn't in this instance. Her breakup shouldn't impact on your family. DSC are part of your family

Why wouldn't it be best to see her siblings?

Your relationship hasn't just ended OP. Hers has.

So ex wife calls the shots then

So what if her relationship has ended?!

She needs to stick to what her children have been doing for years!

How fucking selfish of her

Yes at the 3 year olds house not at the ex wife’s house

Absolutely

Stop blaming the OP. It’s the DH that needs to grow some

I am the 'child' in a situation similar to this. My parents divorced very acrimoniously years ago and don't speak. Any events are a nightmare - who to invite for Christmas, any family birthdays and who attends etc. etc. I have a colleague whose divorced parents by contrast go out for dinner together ( with current partners). It must be so easy for her to arrange stuff!
OP, while I feel for you, your DH has other children and this will impact the rest of your (and your DD's) life. I would urge you to try and have a civil relationship with your DH's ex for the sake of all children involved ( including your DD) and your DH.
I know it's pricey, but could a Christmas lunch out be an option for you all?

So what?!

I think I'd relish the free afternoon and let him go with good grace. Meanwhile, feet up, good book, box set, glass or two of exquisite wine. Return favour when you really want him to do something banked.

Either he goes to see them for a few hours or they come to you for a few hours. Im sure she will be fine on her own for a few hours. Otherwise they could come all day Boxing Day.

I wouldn’t mind him taking the younger child in this situation, if they wanted to go. But like you say a 3 year old isn’t going to want to go and watch teens open presents at someone’s house they don’t know, when they have their own toys/ presents to play with at home.