To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Contrary to common belief, you will not turn into a pumpkin if you have to spend a couple of hours on your own on 25 December.

I think you are being daft saying this though, they are not his DSC. Would you feel the same if it was your kids and you were only seeing 1 of them? He needs to either stand up to her and tell her no, or I don't see a problem in him taking your child there for a bit on Xmas day.

Nor will the ex!

Why is it ‘best’ simply because it’s pre-arranged? It is beneficial for children to see their separated parents spending amicable time together for their benefit. Older children will also care much more about leaving a lonely parent at home by themselves.

If your family arrive later in the day could you invite ex and SDC for dinner or even brunch then they go off before your family get there?

Bollocks. What's the point? Deleted.

OP I completely agree with you.

every single word and follow up post.

I'm.really confused as to why everyone is prioritising the husband's want to see siblings together. He was the one who created a complex family. He lives with the consequences.
Those are: he doesn't get to see children together on Christmas day. It's really simple.

The OP stays with her dd. The ex with her kids.

Really - your 3 year old would kick off about seeing her presumably much loved siblings on Christmas Day? Quite a projection - I can see your step DC are a huge inconvenience to you but maybe not to your daughter.

OP also created a complex family.

Both of the mums in this scenario are saying they can’t bear to be alone/ without their children on Christmas Day, even for a couple of hours in your case. Isn’t this an overreaction as much as DH saying Christmas is ruined? Feelings are running very high. Sit down with DH and a cup of coffee and work out the best solution. Personally I think DH and DC visiting the step child while you watch a film or have a walk would work best.

OP has no choice in this you realise that right? She actually said that splitting the day might not be the best (in general, not just this year) but she got shut down.

When do your family arrive?

Can you invite ex wife and teens over for breakfast?

YANBU
NO WAY would my child go to a partner’s ex house on Christmas! With no relationship between them.

you aren’t an incubator here/the help- you are a parent. You partner can go and visit his other children on Christmas Day - as you’ve said you have no issue.

but I’d make a plan so you get to have your meal and nice day not impacted by timings. Also can you invite some of your family over so youre not alone?

separately I’d be having some serious conversations

1. explaining how hurtful his comments are and does he really see a Christmas with you/child as rubbish, if that’s the case you’ve got a serious problem. And how is your child going to feel growing up if she is seen as second best to the other DC?
2. boundary setting with Ex. You need to understand he might never be able to do it so if it’s doing to be a dealbreaker you might need to make different plans for your life.

but no I wouldn’t host ex in my house with that history. And I wouldn’t go there either. If it became an issue I would take DC to my family on Christmas Eve and leave DP to replay Christmas past with his ex!

1. You make a presumption about much beloved siblings. You have no idea what the relationship is, or how close they are , or how much attention they pay to the 3 yo.

1. Do you have a 3 yo? After a morning of excitement, opening presents, santa magic, overwhelm etc. they tend to kick off anyway at some point. Even more so at being taken away from their toys, their mum and taken to a stranger's house even if her (beloved or not) siblings are there.

Fucking hell.

@BlueSilverCats Ask the OP if she'd be happy doing alternate days. Highly, highly doubtful.

Kicking off is more likely to be about being made to leave her new toys and family home to go and sit in a complete stranger's house, with no toys to play with, while her dad focuses his attention on her siblings. Does that make it clearer?

How is that best for her???

I’d be looking forward to having a couple of hours with my feet up watching a film on Christmas afternoon with all the best chocolates.

The ex is being selfish. I don't see why things have to change because her last relationship has ended.

I think that both those options are reasonable

If her family are coming round to eat, this seems unlikely.

In which case she won’t be on her own. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry if this has already been asked, but given your fractious relationship with his ex why on earth does your DH presume his ex will want his child with you at her home?!

Agreed