To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Could ask the teenagers what they want

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This is such a reasonable explanation.

I 100% agree with you on this OP.

I feel for you and you are in a difficult position. Stepfamilies are in a difficult position TBH Your DH is torn by his love for his 1st children, and how quick they grow up .And your little one,I would try to meet him halfway for his sake.Why not think of it as a little break ? Presumably your folks are coming down to you and you are doing Christmas lunch which is always tiring .Pour yourself a small (or large!) sherry, watch a film and have a little nap, Bet they will be home in no time!

This how old actually are they because maybe just maybe their parents should ask them because I suspect moving around Christmas Day won’t be ideal for them

Yes. Christmas is for children. Which is why ex should maintain the relationship with their half sister and ensure her children are taken to see her on Christmas day.

yanbu! I wouldn't tolerate that either, and didn't.

We had a similar situation when i was still with my ExH with his first family (yes he has 3 kids from 2 women and now 2 divorces under his belt) when his Ex Wife decided to keep DSD all day at the last minute rather than hand her over.

I stood my ground and told him to go visit but we weren't being dragged out, he could go by himself.

It was his experiences with his Ex that made sure when he and I divorced that we never did half day splits and alternated christmas. The deal is he gets them xmas eve afternoon until boxing day morning every other year. Those years he brings them home, I have a second christmas day here with them for a couple of days, and then they generally go back to his for 3-4 days until NYE when he brings them back as he has to go to work on Jan 2nd.

They're 15/18 this year, and it's my turn.. he's aware that come next christmas when they're 16/19 they might not want to spend it at his any more so we have already decided to give them the choice after this year of where they want to go.

Yes, this. He loves all his children.

@candycane222 would you say the same if it was the dad that went through a break up and decided he wanted the kids all day ?

For the love of god. Why does OP need to be the one who 'misses out' here and be the bigger person?

There is no reason why EX cannot be alone for the time that DSC are with their dad and their sister and their step mum.

The EX was not going to spend this time her children anyway. Just because she now doesn't have a partner, why should the OP be alone... without her child? And husband.. and step children...

Wow, some PPs are really missing the point here. The solutions OP’s DH proposes are irrelevant because the issue is that the ex unilaterally decided on something and OP’s DH simply went with it, and prefers to disrupt his family dynamic than standing his ground when his ex is being unreasonable.

OP, I don’t think your DH is insane, I think he is pathetic. And, yes, both solutions could be reasonable, but in this case, the default should not be to just accept what the ex imposes. Letting your DH go with any of the solutions just validates the pattern of her deciding and your DH being OK with tiptoeing around her.

I would just probably cut him some slack on how he voiced being upset. I wouldn’t see as that he meant the only important thing for a good Xmas is the other kids, but rather that he wants all kids together for him to feel real Xmas (hence why he wants to take your DD, even if stupid for him to propose)

The problem is that, in order to avoid his ex being left alone on Christmas day for a couple of hours, he is willing to put OP in that position.

Could she not drop the kids around to yours for a couple of hours while she is cooking and then come collect them to take them back to hers for dinner?

Why can they not come to yours on Boxing Day?

I wouldn’t object to him going over to see his kids for a while, leaving your Dc with you to spend time with you and their grandparents.

I know there is ‘history’ colouring your feelings here but I would have some regard for her feeling bereft this year. If not her unilateral decision making style.

I think I'd let him take your DD to visit for a couple of hours. Be the bigger person. Do your family stay long enough to still have lots of time with DD? Edited for typos

I absolutely wouldn’t want her at the dinner table so I agree with you there.

Tje rest of it, it would depend. If it was to pop over late afternoon for an hour or so with my child in tow I’d probably be okay as it would give me a chance to tidy up a bit or sit down and relax. If it was to disappear for four hours I’d be irritated. Plus it depends on the age of the child. If they were very young I’d have been concerned they might not be adequately supervised if the dad was so caught up in second family politics and Disney dadding.

I think the little one would rather stay with their Mum and Grandparents in their own home with new toys.

They probably can. OP's husband wants to see them on the day. He wants his cake and eat it too.

I don't think being on your own for a couple of hours is a big deal. The last couple of years my husband has popped out with our kids to see his dad on Xmas day while I get the Christmas dinner on. It's worked quite nicely, meant his dad (who is too set in his ways to come to us for the day) gets a Xmas visit and to be honest a couple of hours of peace to sip cava and get the dinner on alone is quite nice.

OP isn't either. She's ok with that. What she objects to is him taking the little one along for the visit.

Why can’t his ex spend time with her family if she has them? So she’s not all alone is she?

Sounds as though she’s having a bit of a strop from this update and wants your DH to dance to her tune.

I know it’s not the point of your post but I am surprised teenagers want to split the day every year. If it hasn’t already happened they will eventually want to get up late ect. Maybe it is time to suggest a different formula, like alternate Boxing Day. Have Christmas Day on Boxing Day with presents given then.

It is probably the kids that don’t want to leave their Mum alone on Christmas Day.

I would let DH go and see them. You might enjoy a few hours on your own - I would!

But you won't be on your own, you'll have your family there won't you?

So a couple of hours won't hurt

Your dh just needs to raise with this ex the question of visiting his dc on Christmas and see how they all feel about it.

Personally, if I had just been through a breakup, I can’t imagine wanting my other ex popping in for Christmas at mine. Even if it’s just for a few hours. I definitely wouldn’t be wanting to have to entertain his overtired 3 year old who could probably do with a post Christmas nap. And surely if Dh actually wants to spend time with his kids, the best way to do it is not with a grumpy toddler in tow.

Yes, sounds fine to float the question (ex may say no), but he should leave your 3 year old at home and actually spend time with his teens for a bit so they get his full attention.

It's up to the mum to prioritise the children and encourage the relationship with the dad- not make them feel guilty leaving her for a couple of hours why they see their dad, sister and stepmum

OP's family don't come until later in the day.

OP's DH will see their shared DD open her presents. He can then visit his ex-wife's home and spend a couple of hours with his older children. There will be no presents for his DD to open at his ex's home and no suitable toys for her to play with. OP also thinks that she won't want to leave her mum to travel to her dad's ex's house (OP's DD doesn't know her dad's ex at all).

It doesn't make sense for OP's DH to take his daughter to visit her half siblings, leaving OP on her own. OP's DH will see all of his children on Christmas Day.