To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

OP would be fine with your suggestion. She is fine with her DH going over to his ex's house on Christmas Day to see his two older kids. She isn't happy about him taking her daughter with him.

If you could be bothered to read the OP's posts, that is exactly what she has suggested. She is happy with him going over to his ex's on Christmas day for a few hours to be with his older children. What she isn't happy with is him taking their shared child with him, leaving her alone.

You said your family will be there? Let him take his child to see their sibling, and for him to see his kid. We would often go visit other relatives briefly on Xmas Day while my mum stayed home during that time for other reasons. If you are alone, you might not the quiet briefly anyway.

The dramatic language on this thread about a grown adult being in her own home for a few hours! She’s already said her family are coming round for dinner. She’s hardly going to be sat crying in a corner out of pure misery. (Although judging by the comments maybe she will be!)

So not only does OP have to have an awkward Christmas Day with her DH's ex, but she can't even see her own family on Christmas Day? That's a 'lose/lose' scenario for the OP. Why on earth would she agree to that?

You asked "Is that really any fairer?" to the idea that DH sees the teenagers another day or visits without the 3 year old. I'd say yes, it is fairer, massively so.

So I guess that's where we disagree. Sure, you're right that a solution has to be found that prioritises all the kids involved, but I would say the OP is being perfectly reasonable to feel upset. The ex-wife sounds very self-centred and people like that are very hard to reason with.

So I guess let's agree to disagree. In any case, have a good day at work.

I would flip that and say the ex-wife is hardly going to be sat crying in a corner out of pure misery if she sticks to the normal plan of the teenagers splitting Xmas between the two houses.

All this fuss is because the ex- wife is making unilateral decisions and insisting that she not be left alone at all over Xmas. I don't understand why the ex-wife should get everything she wants without compromising at all.

She has said that her family are coming later in the day so she would be alone for a few hours if he took their shared DC with him.

Same goes for the ex

OP is happy for him to go to his ex's house for a few hours on Christmas Day to see his older children. She is not happy about him wanting to take their shared child with him. So there is a solution where the ex wife has her kids all day and DH sees his daughter and his older children on Christmas Day, but just not both together.

OP is not separated or divorced so there should be no expectation on her part that she spends part of Christmas Day without her very young daughter.

Yes but the ops concern is not the ex. It’s her dh. Can she put herself out for a few hours for him?

Please ignore this, I responded to the wrong poster.

Yours is the dramatic language. Her family are coming later in the day so she would be alone for a few hours.

The whole point of this thread is because there is an ex-wife who can't be left on her own at all on Christmas Day and people are asking why is this OK for the OP but not the ex.

He sounds like a good Dad.

So because of his Ex unilaterally changing agreed arrangements the OP is supposed to tolerate her child leaving her for a few hours?

OP is not an Ex of anyone, at least at this point.

If her husband decides to spoil her Christmas because of his Ex, the OP should give very careful thought to her future.

There is no way in this situation my 3 year old would be taken from my home by her father because his Ex wife has unilaterally decided that the agreed every other year arrangement doesn't suit her.

Not a chance would it happen.

Not to his youngest.

A good dad?

He doesn't think Christmas is worth celebrating for his youngest child if his eldest two aren't there.

He sounds like a shit weak husband and a shit father to his youngest child.

@Hoplolly Why is this a problem he wants to see all his children, he's prepared to go out Christmas afternoon to see his children why can't mum have a couple of hours on her own. Where is the issue. Mum is not considering all the children and dad is

But he will be seeing all his children, unless you mean together.

Because he wants her to see her siblings on Xmas day?

Yeah, what a terrible Father.

I assume she's okay with him not seeing his child because he is essentially choosing not to - if their custody arrangement is to split Christmas down the middle and he's decided not to enforce it then it's his problem, not OP's. Why should she have to go without her toddler for a minute on Christmas day because of her husband puts his ex girlfriend's feelings above his wife's?

You can surely see the issue with OP's husband "making an effort for them to be a family" at his ex-girlfriend's house, with ex girlfriend there, and OP sitting at home alone without her young child. If you get divorced from, or break up with, a person with whom you have children, you are choosing to sacrifice your life as a single family unit, and force your children to share in that sacrifice. OP hasn't made that choice, so it's almost obscene that her husband thinks she's the one who should be making the greatest sacrifice (Husband's ex will be with her children all day, husband will be with his youngest child all day and his older children part of the day, and OP is the only one expected to spend any amount of time with no children at all).

This!

Sounds like you're projecting something here.

Bit of a leap for you to decide he's a 'shit weak husband and a shit Father to his youngest child'?

Because he suggested a way he could spend time with his DC together on Xmas day for an hour or two?

Have you never experienced how people react to a sudden change to a tradition as important to families as Christmas Day? Do you not realise how that can cause an immediate reaction which can seem very emotional and that it doesn;t mean they don't care about other people?

Do you remember Xmas 2020 when COVID rules were preventing family gatherings as had usually been done and how upset people were and how they were all thinking Christmas wouldn't be as good, wouldn't mean as much, wouldn't be the same because they couldn't see their Mum, or some of their DC or siblings? even when we usually weren't talking about people being alone for the whole day or days, just not being able to see all the people they wanted to or see all of the people they wanted to at the same time.

It didn't mean they thought the people they could spend Xmas with were shit or not good enough or the people they were missing were more important than the people they were with, it was because it was Xmas.

Xmas day. Not a random day. It means a lot to a lot of people and isn't just a normal day.

Isn't that the point of the OP? that OP wants HER Christmas the way she wants it, because it's Xmas?

If this was any other day, the majority of posters would be telling OP to suck it up for a couple of hours but the majority aren't BECAUSE IT'S XMAS.

But OPs desire for her Xmas with her child and her extended family is seen by her and you as the important thing but when she chose to marry a man with 2 DC and he wants to see all his DC opening presents and interacting with each other on what is traditionally seen as the most important day in the year for families, he's a 'shit weak husband and a shit Father to his youngest child?'

@ForTealRaven but it's not just that is it?

It's taking her away from her presents , playing with them and home on Christmas morning, to go to a complete stranger's house that is not set up for young visitors at all. That's if the ex even wants her there. To see her siblings opening or using their stuff, while she has nothing(understandably ) at an age notorious for tantrums and overwhelm.

Will she be traumatised for life? Obviously not. Is there very likely potential for her to kick off, including before leaving , and having a shitty time? Yes.