To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Why can't he go for a bit but without the 3 yo?

100% agree with this. Ive been thinking through the whole thread how unfair it would be to ask the teens. Not fair to put that on them.

You don’t get to be selfish when you’re a parent. This would be utterly, utterly, pathetic. Your children don’t need to rally round you to fix your sad issues because you’ve split up with your boyfriend. She should grow up and stop ruining everyone’s Christmas because she’s single now
projecting a bit to say she’d want them to rally around, she’d just want to be with her kids

And he just wants to be with his kids, so why does her needs trump his.

And more importantly the kids need, deserve and probably want their Christmas to be like it always is, and to be allowed to spend time with with both of their parents, their baby sister and OP. They don't need dramatics and conflict. Honestly OP, in your husband's position I would be thinking about how the older children need him to back off. Yes their mum is in the wrong and yes she is being selfish and immature. But that's even more reason why he needs to be the bigger person, agree to them spending the day with mum, putting on a smile and removing all contention and conflict. He can see them the next day and you all do Christmas all over again.

Him making a fuss and tying himself and you and probably them in knots trying to see them and causing arguments with you and weirdness with their mum is actually potentially going to damage his relationship with EVERYONE.

Removed from her home. That’s quite a strong interpretation of going out with her dad to see her siblings.

Yeah, the language is ridiculous but, on the other hand, the child will take her cues from OP who clearly wants to 'win' this one.

Dad taking the child out for a couple of hours seems like such a non event, especially considering she'd be seeing her siblings.
There seems to be way too much projection going on as well 🤷‍♀️

The parents arrangement is to swap at midday, so no one goes without children all day anyway.

OP, you're all unreasonable to a point. The ideal scenario is find a solution so all adults and children get to spend as much time as possible together. Is there any way you could all work together to find a solution?
A little bit of empathy for his ex could help...

Suffer?? 🤣🤣🤣. Going with her father to see her siblings for a couple of hours?

Quite!

Why does she need empathy? She is causing all the problems.

So it’s OK for OP to be left home alone for half a day but not the ex?

I think dh needs to put his foot down and say he’s sorry the relationship has ended but it’s not fair he doesn’t get to see his children on. Xmas day due to it and challenge her that if it was the other way round would she be ok with it? What if she’s on her own for more than one year, is he not allowed to spend Christmas Day with his kids anymore?

In the opening post OP states her family are coming over for Christmas, so why are people complaining that she'll be alone if her husband and daughter go to see the step kids for a couple of hours when her other family would still be with her?

I thought the same but op herself said she didn't want her child to be absent from her home on Christmas day.

I think the problem is that husband is so upset at the thought of not seeing all his kids on Christmas day.

They both need to grow up. There is Boxing Day.

I think you’re letting your hatred over the ex get the better of you and you’re not thinking of the kids. For you it’s all about her in some way winning.

tnere is mo issue with him taking your child to see his other kids for an hour or two, they are half sinlings and it will be lovely for her to spend some time with them over Xmas and be included.

you need to calm down on the ex.

Your SC are effectively being expected to babysit their mum.

Unless it’s an excuse she’s making on their behalf, because they don’t want to come over on Christmas Day.

I think your DP needs to talk to them and ascertain what they actually want to do, because at the moment it sounds like their needs are being missed.

Him going for a few hours in the afternoon is a good compromise, you should be fine for a few hours.

On what fucking planet.

OP, push back very hard on this.

He doesn't think you or you child matter.
You come last.
Tell him to visit his children but yours is going nowhere.

I would be very very slow to have another child with a man who thinks Christmas doesn't matter if his two older children aren't present.
Don't ignore this.
His Ex is boss.
I simply wouldn't tolerate such a disrespectful dynamic from my husband.

This is what happens when you marry weak men with children who are scared of their Ex.

As for inviting his Ex to your house when she has been so difficult?
Is he on drugs would be my response.

How about you pack up and go and have Christmas with your family now that you know how he views Christmas with you and your child?

So - you don't want him to take his child there, because you won't have your child there - but you are likely to have your family - but you would be ok with her being alone and him taking his children to yours?

Of course he wants to see all his children on Christmas Day. And surely you can understand why she doesn't want to be alone, given your feelings about not having your child with you. It seems like every Christmas she has spent time without her children.

He's trying to find a compromise here. If you don't want her at yours, then let your child go and visit his/her siblings and spend time together with their Dad.

Wonder why she’s alone again when she behaves like this

Sorry, I missed the post that he's suggesting going before your family get there.

So maybe you should suggest he goes after your family are there - either an hour or two after so they get to spend time with your child, or just before they arrive, and they can see your child when they return home.

The DH and ex-wife decided to divorce, the consequences are that they have to share the children. They had decided to split Xmas day so that the teenagers could see both their parents. The ex-wife has unilaterally changed the agreement. How is that fair?

The OP is married to her child's father. She naturally expects to spend all of Xmas with her child and has never agreed to anything else. The DH is trying to change that purely to suit his ex-wife.

It is not normal, no matter the blended family configuration, for a married couple with shared kids to not spend Xmas together. Sure, DH could go see his teenagers for a couple of hours if the ex-wife refuses to follow the original plan, but it is not ok for op to be left alone without her child just to please the ex-wife.

I really don't understand how you (and many other posters) think this is a reasonable situation. Very strange.

The DH and ex-wife decided to divorce, the consequences are that they have to share the children. They had decided to split Xmas day so that the teenagers could see both their parents. The ex-wife has unilaterally changed the agreement. How is that fair?

OMG yes this @Sugarcoldturkey this is the whole crux of the issue.