To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

I am the child of divorced parents and went through various iterations of blended family set-ups on both sides with acquired step-siblings and the arrival of new siblings by my parents. Our family celebrations such as Christmas were often blended, as in also including 'first spouses', along with step-siblings, and were easy-going and fun-filled occasions. To me, this seems really natural, although we weren't in the UK, but in a northern European country which seems to have a more relaxed attitude to this sort of thing.

No, most people wouldn’t be selfish like this.
Most people aren't at their most rational after a break up so I think they would (but would never admit they would and at some stage in the future would think 'what was I thinking!')

Seems silly to take her to see them when she will presumably be seeing them on Boxing Day anyway which is when your DH will be able to see all three of the fruits of his loins in the same place at the same time. At three years old she isn’t going to appreciate the cultural nuance of Christmas Day v Boxing Day , and anyway, a house set up for teens is not going to have much toddler appeal unless you have missed out the basket of kittens and puppies that live there! He goes, she stays and has fun with her mum, her new toys and the other members of your family, who will probably love giving her their full attention.

Would they? Would many people really go, "Right, I've been dumped so you're not seeing your dad/mum this Christmas day"?
No they'd THINK I can't conceive that I won't have my children around me on a day that would be miserable for me because I'm on my own now. Like I said to someone else, you're not rational after a break up. Terrible for op and her husband, but she's just looking to surround herself with her loved ones at a family time of the year

All dc would get to see their parents if the dsc were at their mum's in the morning and dad's for Xmas dinner..

If this arrangement is so the ex is not on her own for a few hours why is it OK for the op to be left on her own.

Haven't read the full thread because...15 pages. The simple solution here is your DH needs to grow a fucking pair and tell the ex, nope, the arrangement doesn't change just because it suits her.

I think he should collect his two older kids from her for a later start eg 2-3pm, then keep them overnight. That pretty much meets everyone's needs.

I one year invited DH's ex wife and her daughter to come spend Christmas with us and the "shared" children and grandchildren, as her mum had recently passed and the father of her daughter was posted overseas - she came for Christmas eve till the day after Boxing Day

It worked out pretty well. No drama. However I have to say I do have a very large house - three separate receptions so no one was under anyone feet the whole time or feeling the need to go to their bedroom.

In a smaller house it might have become tense . My parents had a room to escape the mayhem from, the younger children had room to play and us "parents" just worked out what we wanted to do as we went along.

I think the dog got a lot of extra walks those few days mind

Luckily we were far removed from the days of fighting , finger pointing and blame, and had settled into a good working relationships around the children and then of course when the grandkids started arriving we did start seeing more of each other and we ( me and she ) do get along just fine. Shes the best of a woman, just not had it easy

But it is a fair point that she makes unilateral decisions, based on her current position. Thats not on.

Luckily you have few years of this left, as they're clearly teens, and can soon legally make their own decisions.

The stepkids are teenagers. Have any of the three parents asked the teens what they'd like to do? Both dad and ex are delusional if they srsly think a pair of teens are going to love making Xmas day magical for their adult parents. (However, the teens might enjoy helping to make it fun for the toddler so long as it doesn't descend into babysitting while the adults argue in the background.) Frankly, I think you're better off texting your stepkids about what they'd like to do and when they'd like to see their cute little sibling over the school hols. And the toddler should absolutely get to stay home to play with her new toys.

This.

If he considered inviting his ex round yours and he wants to bring DD to his ex’s and you don’t want to be alone at all on Christmas Day, then it sounds like you should all pop round to his ex’s for a couple of hours. Weird he hasn’t thought of that solution. Maybe if you suggest it he will realise his other ideas are also quite unreasonable.

So the woman who is in a separated co-parenting relationship gets to spend the entire day with her children. The woman who is a marriage has to split her time with her child. Wtf???

Exactly. It's madness. Why should the ex get everything she wants while OP has to compromise hugely? I really don't understand some posters.

Also please don't ask the teens. They will want to support their mum AND see both parents but will feel guilty about choosing. This is why the grown ups make decisions. I'm all for involving young people in decision making but not once it's got to the "pick a side" stage. Maybe in the new year, once the dust settles dad, mum and teens have another conversation about how they manage Christmas going forward.

The adults created this situation. The children didn’t , so do what the kids would like and try not to make them hate Christmas for the rest of their lives because they see it as time of guilt and divided loyalties.

Does the ex not have parents or siblings that she can go see for the other half of Christmas day when she doesn't have the children? This would seem to be the usual arrangement

You don’t get to be selfish when you’re a parent. This would be utterly, utterly, pathetic. Your children don’t need to rally round you to fix your sad issues because you’ve split up with your boyfriend. She should grow up and stop ruining everyone’s Christmas because she’s single now

The mum created this situation.

Ultimately, the OP must have understood that if she was going to chose a man with his own kids, compromises would need to be made. It's only a few hours on Christmas Day.
I hate not seeing my two sons on Christmas at all every other year, but they have a dad and so it is only fair.

Yes... She probably assumes that she would share every other Christmas with his children. At a push she probably considered that he might not be around every Christmas. But did you really expect her to predict that she would be expected to not see her own child?

Bonkers

@PureBoggin Christmas Day doesn't last a couple of hours, does it?

Neither do visits... as someone pointed out, it would be 4 hours minimum and a cranky exhausted dc upon return.

Not that there is remotely any justification whatsoever for the dc going with the dad.

There would be no way in hell my husband would be taking my three year old to the home of someone with such an historically nasty streak. All the people telling OP to let him do that, what the fuck are you on. The fact you think the ex will welcome the OP's little girl into her house is nuts. I'm imagining a confused toddler sat next to her dad, getting dirty looks from the ex and being ignored by everybody.

She a little human with feelings, not an a accessory to be carted about for daddy's convenience. She should be at her own home, with her own toys and with her own mum and family.

I'd really want to know what the ex thinks of these hairbrained ideas. I bet she would just as pissed iff as you are OP.