To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

"How is that fair?"

It's not fair. It's especially not fair on op's husband. Which is why he's trying to find a way to make it work.

Op got involved with a man with children, which inevitably comes with compromises that need to be made.

Op doesn't want to be without her child for a couple of hours, but seems happy for both her husband and his ex to be without theirs for the whole day. Is that really any fairer?

Of course it's not an ideal situation, but op should have known when she got into this relationship that would be the case.

It's not unreasonable to try to find a solution that, while is not ideal, is acceptable. And honestly, I think that her husband solution, with the tweak of time so that her family is there, should be an acceptable solution.

I also had to make compromises at Christmas, so I'm not taking about something I know nothing about.

I kind of agree with the OP in that surely by now it should be a Christmas Day one year and Boxing Day the next. Do teens really still prefer to split the day?

Op doesn't want to be without her child for a couple of hours, but seems happy for both her husband and his ex to be without theirs for the whole day. Is that really any fairer?

Op and her child and DH are not the split up family. DH and the ex split, this is what they signed up for, not OP

Being on your own for an hour or two after having a lovely family Christmas dinner, knowing they've just gone for a visit and they'll shortly be back is very different to being alone and having no one to have Christmas dinner with. In any case, you won't be alone will you? You said in your OP that your family are coming...

@onion88 YANBU at all and have suggested several options which are a reasonable compromise.

There is one option I haven’t seen suggested. Pp have said you could invite the Ex-wife and I agree with you that is not what I would want on Christmas Day.

However, what I have not seen suggested is that you go with your DH and DD to the Ex-wife’s for a couple of hours. This way DH gets to see all his DC and you don’t have to miss time with your DD.

Hear me out, if, as some posters suggest, DH and DD went together you have no control over how long they are away. If you go with them you get to contribute to the timings of the whole day and decide the most suitable time to pop over and more importantly when to leave. This gives you control. I can guarantee the Ex-wife won’t want you there but can hardly refuse and DH can’t say you are being unreasonable.

It is only one day, so only visiting for 1-2 hours to see SDC open presents is not unreasonable. Depending on timings you could do this after your DD has opened presents etc. and before lunch. This means you need to be back by x to get lunch ready - DH to do prep the day before to facilitate this.

I agree. I don't think a 3-year-old will be unduly bothered if they don't see their half-siblings on Christmas day. At that age, it's all about playing with their new toys, and dragging them away from that would probably cause them upset.

Stick to your guns. Let your partner visit his other children on his own.

I agree but I also think it will be lovely for them to see their siblings, talk about their toys etc, it will be exciting.

so as much as they may not be bothered, they also would likely enjoy it and good on the father trying to include his younger child and make the effort for them to be a family

No, but she did get involved with a man that has children, and she chose to have a child with him.

If she didn't foresee that there might be some tricky times to negotiate around events like Christmas, then she was very naive about the situation.

Taking a 3 year old from their new presents to go to a strangers house on Christmas Day wouldn't be my first choice. I mean I don't think it will traumatise them and I can imagine plenty of needs must scenarios but this isn't one of them.

So it's OK for you to be alone? It's ok for you to not see your child part of the day despite there being no reason for you not to (you're not separated and your child isn't ex gf's so has no need to go to her house).

Personally I'd tell him he needs to enforce the agreement unless she wants to switch to whole Xmas day alternate years (plenty of people do that) and if he decides instead to do one of his options a) she isn't coming to yours b) if he goes to hers he isn't taking your child and c) he will want to think very carefully about what he decides to do unless he wants to find himself having another Xmas arrangement to sort out which, as its hard to juggle multiple separated homes, could leave him without any of his kids at times

Ahh ok, and the DSC mum just gets what she wants again. Brilliant.

Be Kind, OP, worry about everyone else except yourself. Your toddler should enjoy going to your husbands ex’s, and even if they don’t, it’s good for them to learn to be a family, round at your husband’s ex’s house, while you sit home alone.

What do his children want to do? They’re old enough to decide. It’s not up to anyone else to decide their Xmas day. Ask them. Do that. Respect their wishes.

True but all that she could've envisaged is him not being there sometimes. Why should she be without her child? Why would she envisage her child would be off with another woman while she sits alone, when she isn't separated?

Right back at you but for the "bio" mum. It's part and parcel of being divorced. She should have also foreseen that there may be tricky times.

Op doesn't want to be without her child for a couple of hours, but seems happy for both her husband and his ex to be without theirs for the whole day. Is that really any fairer?

At @tilypu Neither of them have to be without theirs for the whole day if the ex stuck to the original agreement, which is the issue here.

It is completely normal for divorced parents not to spend every Xmas with their kids. This is, in your words, something they "signed up for" when getting divorced.

The ex-wife agreed to split Xmas day so that the teenagers could see both their parents and both parents would have to spend some time without them.

The ex-wife has reneged on this deal. That is not fair.

The op isn't divorced. She has never agreed to not spend Xmas with her child. Yes, she married a man with kids from a previous marriage and so understands that her DH might need to visit ex-wife's house for Xmas. But that shouldn't involve her own 3-year old.

I don't understand why you think it's ok for the ex-wife (who shares custody 50-50) to unilaterally change the Xmas tradition of the kids splitting their time between houses. I can only imagine you identify strongly with her in which case, respectfully, it might be good to rethink and try to co-parent more cooperatively.

It's a couple of hours!

I hope for op's husband sake that they never split up. Poor guy would be stuck between two women, neither of which give a shit about their kids seeing other family members for special events!

Yeah to be fair I'd do this because I'd want to see my SC and would want DH to see all of his children on Xmas day. So whilst it might not be my favourite choice, I'd do it. And you have to think about the bigger picture. Yes she should stick to the usual arrangement but she isn't. So who loses out if he doesn't then see them at all? The kids and him (secondary to the kids as it's actually about them - they might not mind about not seeing him until boxing day, and then that's an alternative)

I totally agree it's not fair that the ex-wife has reneged on the previous deal. I've never said otherwise.

But unless that changes, a solution needs to be found. Continuing to harp on about the lack of fairness doesn't help that!

Anyway, I'm off to work. Have fun focusing on the bit that the op can't do anything about, and steering away from finding an acceptable (not perfect) solution!

Op doesn't want to be without her child for a couple of hours, but seems happy for both her husband and his ex to be without theirs for the whole day. Is that really any fairer?

Where does it say that? Please quote one post where OP says that.

If they stick to the original agreement, they each get half a Christmas day with the children.

If her husband goes to the ex(which she's happy with btw , and she said so numerous times) , the ex gets the kids all day, and he gets to see them for however long he's there , and the younger child at either end of the visit.

Why are you making stuff up?

@tilypu she has a reasonable solution. He goes to see his kid at the ex's house on his own. That way everyone gets some of what they want. Why is that not good enough?

Yeah, she also said "Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year"

Not making stuff up!

Ok, so the reasonable solution is that the siblings don't get to spend time all together at Christmas.

Got it.

Anyway, I'm off to work. Reply to me if you want, but I won't see it so you will be talking into the void.

Why is half-siblings seeing each other on Christmas Day now the most important thing?

My DC are the same as OP, they wouldn’t have wanted to go either