Child allowed choices

[TheBlueHare]

We have a 12 year old relative who we haven’t seen for years.
Father always gives choices. Would you like to go and see so and so. He says no and that’s the end of that.
The mother doesn’t help as she says ‘he doesn’t haveto go if he doesn’t want to’.
12 year old now never listens to his father.
we haven’t seen him for years.
I have been in touch explaining my concerns how we don’t do family things etc but no reply.
My Mumhas explained multiple times a child shouldn’t be giving choices about seeing family etc but it isn’t being listened to.
The child is running rings around his parents….and he knows it.

You can't know the child is running rings around them if you haven't seen him for years.

It could be that the parents are using the child's alleged preferences as a reason not to see you.

No one in the history of the world has ever appreciated unsolicited advice.

How are you related to them? And I agree I suspect it is an adult chosibg but saying little Johnny doesn't want to come so we won't

You seem to know a lot about a child you don’t know!

why shouldn’t a child be given some degree of choice in life? Why should they be forced to go and visit someone?

what happens when you go and visit his parents?

I also strongly suspect that there's more to it. If the parents wanted to see you as a family, they would.

'Your mum has explained' what's it got to to with her.

If the child's parents allow them to choose that's up to them nobody else.

As for the child running rings, they aren't they are making a choice that they have been offered

Now this isn't my style of parenting but it is theirs and that's entirely up to them and you get no say.

When we last saw him a few years ago he was pretty exhausting. Doing many things seeking attention. The parents are like this with everyone not just us. Friends, extended family.

We don’t go and visit. The child doesn’t have friends to his house as it isn’t allowed. No family or friends have ever been invited.

I mean you can't force people to see people they don't want to, even if they're young!

It’s not your business. If you haven’t seen them for years, then you really know nothing about the dynamics of their family life. Maybe if you were less judgmental they’d make more effort to see you.

Children can be exhausting, and will sometimes show-off. If they don't have visitors or friends to the house, it's little wonder he cannot calm down in company. If you unconsciously showed how you felt about the child's behaviour in the past maybe they all picked up in your signals. It's easy to be judgemental about other parents child-rearing practises, but if you are concerned, then speak to the grandparents.
I've known a couple of really difficult children grow into lovely teenagers and adults, and vice versa.

If you think there is a real issue call social services of not then I don't understand what the problem as and what you actually want to happen?

No one is forced to see anyone

Not your child, not your business.

Unless you suspect abuse or something really untoward or dangerous going on, you stay out of it. You've said your piece.

For example we have an annual family gathering. Everyone there from around the world.
Brother asks son if he would like to go, he says no and so the three of them don’t come!
But would you ask your child that question? I don’t know anyone who would! Big events planned, you tell your child what is happening, what we will be doing, who they will be seeing, children usually get very excited about seeing their cousins etc

Maybe they didn't want to go and it was an excuse

I can see how their parenting might be frustrating and annoying to you.

I didn't agree with the way my brother and his wife brought up their daughter in some respects but, you know, she's actually turned out pretty well 😉

It's literally nothing to do with you.

I can also see that it bothers you that you are unable to do family things with them. Let's just imagine that things are exactly as you perceive them to be - I'm not sure then that you'd actually enjoy spending time in their company anyway.

Gosh, we understand fully it’s not our place to say certain things which we wouldn’t dream of doing.
But can see what lies ahead in years to come. This lavished child, given everything, if one parent says no goes to other parent to get what they want, has a say in absolutely everything.
Parents not working together. Using different strategies.

You are very opinionated about a child who you have not seen and you don’t know. It’s not coming across as very nice to be honest.

That sounds hugely overwhelming. A big family event with people from all over the world?

I'm not sure I'd want to go to that. Well, I know I wouldn't.

Maybe your brother doesn't either and is using his son as a convenient excuse not to attend.

OK and what is it to you? What's your skin in this game? Why do you want to see this child? You don't seem to like them.

And none of it will impact you in any way whatsoever.

very true! His fiancé at gatherings years ago would roll her eyes as if she would rather be anywhere else rather than there.
Never initiate conversation just sit quietly.
But hey ho thats life! Some people are just very hard work for whatever reason!

You say parents should work together and not use different strategies. This goes for other family members as well. You are your mum have given this couple advice telling then what they have to do in regarded to their child. They are more than likely staying away because you are giving unwanted advice and forcing your way of parenting on them.

Right look. You clearly don't like that part of the family but feel they must oblige and do some sort of eastenders style Faaaaaaamily thing each year. With people from AROUND THE WORLD!!! Just get over it. They don't do family like you do

You can't force people to want to see you unfortunately. For whatever reason, this group do not want to come; think rationally - if 12yo wants to stay home then one parent at least could still attend, but they don't. The family judgement and "explaining" is rude and adding to the problem, they are allowed to not see you! I'm going to guess this is a sibling and nephew, so you're fretting about the impact on mum too? You'll all just have to make your peace with them wanting a more hands-off relationship. Send nice cards with photo and news occasionally, invite them to smaller and calmer events, and try not to stress.

It really isn’t your business.

I’m assuming this is your sibling’s child and you are frustrated that your nephew isn’t compelled to take part in things you regard as compulsory.

Some people are very keen on extended family bonds; some are not. Both ways of thinking are valid. If you judged less and tried to understand more you might actually see them sometimes.