Child allowed choices

[TheBlueHare]

We have a 12 year old relative who we haven’t seen for years.
Father always gives choices. Would you like to go and see so and so. He says no and that’s the end of that.
The mother doesn’t help as she says ‘he doesn’t haveto go if he doesn’t want to’.
12 year old now never listens to his father.
we haven’t seen him for years.
I have been in touch explaining my concerns how we don’t do family things etc but no reply.
My Mumhas explained multiple times a child shouldn’t be giving choices about seeing family etc but it isn’t being listened to.
The child is running rings around his parents….and he knows it.

Yes in a similar position. Unfortunately my closest relative is very different in every way to us. This does mean that there are perhaps some more distant relatives whom we like and we don't see as a result but it is not worth the hassle.

Thats interesting if they think like that.
I know she would as she doesn’t like family gatherings of any sort.
i just cannot imagine asking my children if they would like to go and see so and so, not meet new family additions etc.
And dont know anyone else who would.

Yes. Maybe they aren’t coming because they know you think the child is given too much leeway and they don’t feel like being judged - not by you or your mumsnet poll.

We swerved extended family gatherings on FIL’s side which involved a lot of drinking, and smoking in the house. We went to weddings etc as the smoking was not a problem and we could put DC to bed in the hotel room and avoid the worst of it.

If it was a case of DC wanting to stay in and game, he was overruled. Although on one occasion he ended up in seventh heaven. We went to visit cousin and his wife with their new baby and DC2 was only a couple of months old so a nice ‘meet babies on both sides’. DS2 only 8 so had to come. When we got there he got invited to game on cousin’s massive TV with brand new FIFA game. Never had a problem getting him to go to their house again.

That’s very sad as it’s family unless they actively upset you that robs your kids of seeing cousins etc.
this is what the poster is saying he’s saying that he’s 12-year-old nephew doesn’t even know the cousins the aunts the uncles which I find really really sad.
I didn’t have really any body because my mum decided she was gonna be like that she made it quite obvious that we were scape goats and we weren’t to be encouraged to try to hang with their cousins but I think it was actually my mum who was isolation and that’s why I don’t talk to my mum anymore for various reasons. I don’t really have a family that I know of, but maybe I could’ve done if my mother hadn’t been so let’s just do our thing.

They sound like me and in-laws,we went LC because the judgement was exhausting.

We also give our children choice of social occasions. Family isn't always a happy accepting place.

If parents really want/need to go somewhere, and the child is too young to be left at home alone, then they don’t get a choice.

IMO the sooner children learn that we all have to do things we may not particularly want to, the better.

I hear you yes it’s sad not sure why you r getting a hard time. When I come on here sometimes it seems that some people are very individualistic and they don’t really understand that there’s a wider community and sometimes I realise that in the UK we have lost that community..
I happen to live in a northern Milltown and a lot of people criticise Muslims but I tell you what after watching them all quiet live near each other the big families they had the fact that they supported each other I get it could be really intrusive in one way, but in another way, it was nice to have that support so from an outside perspective, especially a white European perspective I honestly can see how so many people are missing out on a village community, et cetera

I don’t particularly think this person is judging anybody I think they’re only judging because they wanted them to meet up with the cousins and the family and when they find out that the actual 12-year-old child is dictating about going but I don’t believe he is I think it’s the parents that don’t want to go by the way.
However it must be sad to find out that a 12-year-old child when you last met him so he probably was a bit younger. Didn’t even know he had cousins and aunts and uncles.

Plenty of people don't particularly like family. And life is too short to do things socially mandated 🤷‍♀️

So what's the actual issue - that your parents are moaning at you re his non attendance, that you used to have a good relationship with DB but feel his partner gets in the way, that you'd like to be closer to your nephew?

You can only really be as close to tween DC as their DP will allow. If the adult sibling isn't great the aunt relationship isn't likely to be great either.

I disagree read the OP I would put money there were lots of digs about their energetic child! And the accompanying questions.

You’ve made it pretty clear that you dislike your sister in law.

Perhaps that has not gone unnoticed.

amzn.eu/d/bVIw59B I found this book really useful in improving my relationship with my sister. I'm not particularly close to my nieces and it's not the kind of aunt relationship I wanted on either side, but we are cordial.

My advice is prioritise people who do want to hang out with you, whoever they are.

Hang on. Your OP says that the 12 year old is given the power to decide whether or not he comes to events but now you're saying it's cruel that he's not being given that opportunity!

It feels like you have an expectation that others should view everything the way you do.

If you genuinely want a relationship with your db and dn then shelve your expectations and start thinking about things from their perspective.

Em well I don't live like that. The you don't get a choice is a huge issue in people's MH.

Medical appointments, school, helping with tasks mandatory. Social events nope. I am not and won't raise people pleasing adults with more issues than vogue.

The problem is that it sounds like you want to tell them “your parenting is wrong and you should do X, Y and Z and be just like us” when it’s clear they don’t want that or they would be doing it already. Perhaps they are using their child not wanting to attend as a reason not to go to family events that they don’t enjoy. Trying to make them change is not going to work.

So why are you blaming the child?

It sounds very much like your brother doesn’t feel close to any of you, obviously we don’t know the reasons for that but he chooses to keep his extended family from his son and that’s his choice.

You seem to think the child is missing out by not seeing you. Missing out on what exactly? You being judgemental about him, his mother and his father? You trying to force your idea of a happy extended family onto him at age 12? Just quit with the unhealthy enmeshment with your parents and judging others who have created their own family who engage with extended family on their terms and not yours. Maybe spend your time on building your own life?

So you don’t think kids should know their extended family I find that sad. Yes maybe he is missing out on that but doesn’t realise it. It’s a shame

They had plenty to say of a child they so rarely see. That is clearly showing judgement. And taking a wild stretch it is well noticeable to his mum and dad.

So I am not surprised. I have an amazing family but I don't attend the laws events nor do my children because of they simply aren't people I want to spend time with.

I spend my limited free time with my family and friends and downtime. Our social time is less these days my in laws believe I should give up my little job, (Director of state body) to enjoy my children who are teens 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

An example…father asks would you like to go to the beach? Child says no, mother oh it’s okay he doesn’t haveto go if he doesn’t want to,
Child then crying throughout the evening as he didn’t go to the beach and wanted ti after all
To me I would be thinking why did I ask on the first place?
but the problem is because they ask their son he makes such a fuss about not wanting to go anywhere it’s just easier to stay in…and play video games for hours and hours on end.
But we just haveto accept that’s how they are. There is nothing we can do i know.
we can give advice when asked. It’s their business then if they take it on board.

Why? It honestly isn't. People develop their social support with friends and family if family members share values.

I do find these days if people don’t like something or someone they just don’t go.
but as I explain to my children think about the other person how happy they will be seeing you. We bake etc make things to take and all have a wonderful time. I am seeing though that this isn’t for everyone.
I think aswell there are times that I may not feeling like going somewhere or seeing someone….a busy week etc fancy some quiet time but what about my children and their relatives? How happy they will be seeing them,

My DD can be like that. She's got various SEN and struggles with emotions.

We see less of family who aren't helpful as we get a bit sick of the effort of pretending to be something we're not, and the judgement and "helpful advice".