Child allowed choices

[TheBlueHare]

We have a 12 year old relative who we haven’t seen for years.
Father always gives choices. Would you like to go and see so and so. He says no and that’s the end of that.
The mother doesn’t help as she says ‘he doesn’t haveto go if he doesn’t want to’.
12 year old now never listens to his father.
we haven’t seen him for years.
I have been in touch explaining my concerns how we don’t do family things etc but no reply.
My Mumhas explained multiple times a child shouldn’t be giving choices about seeing family etc but it isn’t being listened to.
The child is running rings around his parents….and he knows it.

I hear what you are saying, OP, but the phrase ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’ would serve you well here.

I can see both sides. I didn't see my nan for several years because I hated going to her house and she chained smoked and it was horrid.
At the same time my grandparents missed out on seeing my cousins as much as they saw me and my sisters because my aunt and uncle said that children should be with other children not old people. My sisters and I were very close with them and my cousins less so until they had children to show off.

It's hard. You can't force people to have a relationship with you and you should only have people in your life in ways that are positive for you. I have an uncle that we see at funerals and that's it. He is toxic as is the rest of his family. The upset they cause is not worth it. At the same time of a person is never exposed to a person they don't know what positives could come from the relationship.

I would be asking what it is that they don't like. It sounds like a full on family and maybe that is too much. Would arranging a much smaller event help? Put it on their terms. I'd like to see you and your family, I know X often doesn't like to come. What does he like doing and maybe me and another person could join you one day?

Oh gosh not at all. Each person has different ways of doing things but when it impacts on others I think that’s where it’s different.
For example their son is now not listening at all to his father due to being given choices for everything if he is told to do something he just won’t do it.
He plays the parents against each other.
My brother did ask me for help many years ago.
We will see how things pan out.
as my Mum recently said the problem is he isn’t seeing any family at all on either of his parents side.
My brother said recently that he thinks his son needs to get used to seeing more people…so has invited my Mum over for a visit.

Your accounts keep changing!

We are realising that it’s not that my brother doesn’t like gatherings of any sort. The problem is asking their son if he wants to go somewhere, he says no so they just don’t go.
so because their son has decided he isn’t going. My brother won’t be going either!

Is that his choice or his parents that friends are not allowed in their house. If it's the parents he doesn't get his way all the time. It sounds like they just don't like visitors for whatever reason.

I agree with others that you seem to know a lot about what goes on in their house considering you never go there and apparently no one else does either.

I have been in touch explaining my concerns how we don’t do family things etc but no reply.
My Mumhas explained multiple times a child shouldn’t be giving choices about seeing family etc but it isn’t being listened to.

You think you’re not being listened to - but in reality, you’re the ones who aren’t listening. If your mother has “explained multiple times” (actually argued, not explained) and hasn’t got the response she wants, she needs to accept she’ll never get it.

How much input did you give your brother and his wife into how you raised your children, and where you should take them and when? I’m guessing none - probably because you think your way is right, but also because it would never occur to you to seek your brother’s view, because they’re not his children. If he’d provided this advice without being asked, I don’t think you’d have been very happy. But the only difference between your brother giving you this advice and vice versa is that you think he needs it, so should HAVE to hear it.

If you haven’t seen them in years I’m really struggling to see how you actually know so many current ins and out of their lives in order to have so much judgement.

As they say in Private Eye, “Could the two by any chance be related? I think we should be told”.

I have been in touch explaining my concerns how we don’t do family things etc but no reply.
My Mumhas explained multiple times a child shouldn’t be giving choices about seeing family etc but it isn’t being listened to

Except OP is now saying db has realised his ds should see the family and has asked his dm to visit ...🤔

Sorry if this has been asked previously, has anyone seen the child recently not just photos or online but in person. Again sorry if this has be asked already

How exactly are you aware of the video gaming if you don't see anyone?

And yes children have regrets, I fail to see the issue. Children learn cause and effect. Your apparent solution is don't give choices? Yeah not big on dictatorship here.

There is truth in this I agree.

Haha please tell me this is a reverse because you cannot be that lacking in self awareness.

You do not have any right to have contact with or see your nephew or your family. And based on your posts I don't blame them in the slightest for not wanting a relationship with you.

I give my dc the choice to decide if they go to school each day. They all have ASD and sometimes it’s too much for them and they know their own limits. It avoids burnout. Children should allowed choices wherever possible

I give my children a choice on family gatherings. Some situations they don't get a choice and we go.

But being a child who was told to put other people's feelings first and mine last, I grew up being a massive people pleaser and felt guilty about putting my needs or feelings first.

It took me a lot of therapy, my children have very busy weeks so if at the weekend they don't want to go and social event they are not expected to.

Amazing how much can change in less than two hours!

It is always hard to judge the actual situation on these threads. Clearly the family do not prioritise wanting to see you, but the reasons will not become clear on a thread like this as you are not taking any responsibilty and blaming it on the DC/bad parenting. You may have a difficult personality, a dirty home, smell or an aggressive animal. But ofcourse the OP doesn't see any reason. From the first couple of posts, before stories changed it sounded like you want the DC there, so you can judge the child and parents and explain to them as a superior being, how you would do things differently. The fact of the matter is that your brother isn't obligated to spend time with you and your family. The only thing you can change to make him want to, is yourself.

I hated seeing family when i was a child.
I didn't click with any of them only my own sister as she was the same as me.
Almost40 year on i only talk and see my sister.

well I wouldn't want to visit you.

I think I understand your frustration. Building functional relationships with your extended family takes investment of time and effort. You don't have to, but you won't get all the benefits later on. My extended family are there for me in a way normal friends are not, and I have some very good friends. I have a friend with little family who doesn't invest in building the relationship with their child and demand my child so they will reap what they sow in later years. Maybe they are short sighted,.maybe you don't have lots of offer. We can't tell from here. Not everyone wants those relationships.

You just described your brother's parenting as “Pathetic”
They probably hate you, and they know you don’t like them so they are staying away. It also sounds warranted as you’ve been incredibly judgy about someone’s parenting that you haven’t seen in years, with information I’m unsure how your getting since they won’t talk or see you. I also sense other members of the family talk all this shit about them also.

Asking their pre-teen to make choices and have opinions is not bad or pathetic parenting. Authoritarian parenting is not the only parenting style.

I would suggest that they are using the son as an excuse not to do things.

If you want to see them then you will have to visit

Not your child therefore not your concern. If they want to raise him that way, let them. Don't get worked up over it! Just see the family members who are willing to meet up. If the others don't want to come for whatever reason, that's their perogative.

*prerogative