Child allowed choices

[TheBlueHare]

We have a 12 year old relative who we haven’t seen for years.
Father always gives choices. Would you like to go and see so and so. He says no and that’s the end of that.
The mother doesn’t help as she says ‘he doesn’t haveto go if he doesn’t want to’.
12 year old now never listens to his father.
we haven’t seen him for years.
I have been in touch explaining my concerns how we don’t do family things etc but no reply.
My Mumhas explained multiple times a child shouldn’t be giving choices about seeing family etc but it isn’t being listened to.
The child is running rings around his parents….and he knows it.

Honestly not sure what you're asking here about BU or not. Can't see a question

I don't imagine that if the parents really wanted or needed to go somewhere, they would let their child dictate to them.

Since you haven't mentioned home education, I'm assuming this child goes to school? In which case, the parents must be well-versed in the "I know you don't want to but unfortunately you have to" spiel, as I don't know many children (especially indulged ones) who haven't had times where they are reluctant to go to school. Likewise, they can't be indulging their child that much if they refuse to have playdates since most kids constantly mither their parents to have friends over.

It sounds like the parents aren't that fussed about seeing your family.

Doesn’t sound like the kid at all then - it’s completely down to the parents.

Do you know what 12 year olds are like ? I’ve read LOADS of posts where similar aged kids have gone to family events, holidays etc and ruined it with their behaviour.

At the end of the day, your sibling chooses to parent like that.

It’s not how I parented but have you considered the possibility that sibling and their spouse are using child as an excuse ? Or that they ask because the child has SN and low demand/no-demand parenting is how they cope? Tbh if child didn’t want to attend then it would be normal for the blood relative to attend while child and spouse stayed at home. If events are just for a few hours then many would leave child at home and attend as adults.

Op, I really can't see how it is any of your business.

I have asked my DS if he wants to go to things since he was about 5. He has an opinion just as I do.

He has to go to school, to at least two sports activities a week and to doc, dentist etc. But I didn't make him attend his half sister's wedding. He would have been bored senseless. Or a family funeral - inappropriate for a young child.

He doesn't run rings around me and he's not spoiled but we communicate and have a good, happy household.

Your question is odd.

My 12 year old is autistic and finds social gatherings horrific.

Not saying yours is but maybe consider why they might be parenting in the way they are.

Ps. If you find them exhausting when you do see them, why are you bothered?

We Can now see it is the parenting.
mad we have said if you just come we know he would have a whale of a time which he did few years ago with veryone
just such a shame he can’t do that anymore. If we send photos they don’t show their son. He told us years ago they don’t show him pictures.
he isn’t aware that he has so many cousins, aunts, uncles etc. it’s not talked about.
he looked stunned when we told him years ago that he doesn’t only just have one cousin he has over 20!
At a gathering years ago he was asking his Dad where he was, whose house he was at. He didn’t know who was who!

You don't really know what's going on behind the scenes here.
I often ask my child if they would like to attend an event, and sometimes I get yes, sometimes I get no, depending on the situation. She struggles with loud noise and large groups of people. If I just told her what she she had to do all the time I don't think she'd be a very happy child.
As for not having friends or family to the house, how would you possibly know this? If a 12 year old has a mate round they're not sharing that information widely with extended family are they.

They're not hard work. They're just not the same as you.

My exh had a big family and would often have big events. We rarely attended. They were just very different people to us. What they considered entertaining, we found boring; want they thought was fun and enjoyed were activities we actively avoided.

We didn't enjoy their company on that level. We didn't like the way the other children of the family behaved and didn't want ours to be exposed to it.

We had nothing in common with any of them and beyond, "How are you?" small talk at the start, we had no interest in what they wanted to talk about any more than they were interested in what we wanted to talk about. We had no common points of reference.

They thought it was enormous fun and thought we were 'stuck up' and 'hard work' too.

In short, they weren't our sort of people and we weren't theirs. Had she been aware of MN, I can quite imagine my ex mother in law posting similar!

I personally think it's fine to sit in quiet, private judgement of other peoples parenting 😉 and I know they judged ours. It's fine to have a private moan about it with your husband. It's fine to speculate on the future impact of it because we all do it.

But it still doesn't make it your business. And it still doesn't make them wrong and you right.

I would ask my child. He is autistic and he struggles with such events. Having some level of control helps him cope.

also such big get together are my idea of hell too

Op, it sounds like you are feeling left out. Offended that they don't want to see you over the Christmas period. But it's 2024. The days of being dragged to see granny on a Sunday and having to sit quietly while parents talked are gone (thank God).

Maybe they simply don't regard family ties as important as you do. Perhaps they object to your judgement of their parenting.

If you are concerned about abuse of some sort then talk to one of the adults discretely but otherwise, I can't see the issue.

It sounds like many of you don't live near each other and aren't really involved in each others lives. For some people that doesn't matter because family is still important but others are not going to feel any affinity for people that have virtually nothing to do with them. I don't think either perspective is wrong but there can be a bit of a values clash.

I'm also wondering if it's just an convenient excuse because the parents don't want to come either.

They just don't see family like you do. I suggest counselling so you can explore your feelings further

Maybe they have similar reservations about the behaviour of all these cousins as my exh and I had about the children in his family.

Maybe there are elements of your family culture that he doesn't want his son exposed to.

Maybe there are elements of the rest of the family's parenting that they sit in judgement of (because it works both ways).
Maybe you're just not their sort of people.

How do you know this? You haven't seen them for a few years. Why do you even care? Now? Why is this a thread now?

I agree. My oldest has suspected ASD and would struggle with this especially around Christmas when there is a lot of hype. The adult whose family it is would go and younger child if they wanted to while the other adult took the oldest or kids to the park. Or maybe a bit at the park and then with relatives.

If the adult wanted to go then they would.

Why are you still going on and on?
It's not your business and not your place to dictate how others parent.
End of story.

I think there are 2 types of people. People who put family first and others who just don't care..MN is of the opinion that if you don't particularly like or get on with family you treat them like any other person and don't feel obliged to see them. Personally I've always thought it was important and whilst I wouldn't be rushing to spend time regularly with my more difficult family members there's no way I'd dib out entirely when the annual get together comes, even though I don't particularly enjoy it. So either the parents are very antisocial, they don't like spending time with you, or they are completely pathetic parents who allow a child to dictate to them. That I can believe as I see people IRL who allow this then wonder why their children do nothing but stay inside gaming. You can't control them when they get beyond a certain age and 12 is probably on the cusp of that but I know people who allow primary aged children to basically dictate their entire schedule. The kids end up missing out on so much of life. How close a relative are they ?

Lots of things happened "years ago". He's only 12. How long ago and how do you know what his family show/tell him?

My grandmother waa one of 8 and loved an extended family party as did my aunty who had married into a similarly big family.
My dad loved his mum but had had a tricky relationship with her. I loved my gran and my aunty but can't bear big gatherings of anyone.

We swerved every single family party for years because those we did go to were pants

we have said if you just come we know he would have a whale of a time which he did few years ago with veryone

This was very much the view of my ex mother in law and the rest of their family.

But a large number of adults being completely drunk in the garden with a large pool and a bucking bronco type thing whilst the kids were allowed to run riot around the house unsupervised was not our idea of a 'whale of a time' even if it was theirs.

OP, I know you're not really interested in my experience. But having been the 'hard work' members of a family whose parenting was disapproved of, a bit of an insight might help.

It sounds like you don't know these people well enough to know what their reasons for not attending are.

They may simply prefer to hang out with the other side of the family/friends/just themselves.

I have family on DH's side who like to do a big group thing at Christmas and also run a church (we are atheists). Christmas there is not all my idea of fun especially as the actual family barely have time to speak to you, as they are running round doing jobs that they don't want with!

Argh, typos in that. Hopefully makes sense.

Child doesn't have friends to the house either. I wonder if there's a back story to this the parents not telling you. It's the parents choice here not wanting to visit family.

It’s my brother. They don’t live too far away. We know it’s pathetic parenting.
It’s getting them to realise it without obviously being very direct about it and the impact it has already had and will have on our nephews future. Such a big part of his childhood gone without any time spent with his family.
But that has all gone now.
it is just so sad what he is missing out on.
very interesting hearing other people’s views 👍

it is just so sad what he is missing out on.

They might have their reasons for preferring he miss out on it though.

You consider them to be missing out; they consider themselves to have successfully avoided it.