Conflicted about two events coming up

[4C04]

Basically, there’s a wedding/party coming up and the hosts are family friends (as in, my parents’ friends so they knew me when I was younger/before I got married etc). I’m not really close with them but my mum told me that they’d also invited us (me/husband etc) to the wedding and it would be great for us to all go. I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited. We didn’t actually get a personal invite - it was merely my mum who gave us this info so I relied on this and told my husband who was also happy to go. We didn’t actually get told the date either just the month so we just carried on as normal and made our own plans to travel somewhere. So, my mum then tells me the date of the party and it happens to be the same date as our travelling plans. I initially wanted to go to the wedding party and thought my husband wouldn’t mind postponing our plans - but he’s not pleased at all for the following reasons:

1. he feels that me changing my mind has been heavily influenced by my mum.
2. he doesn’t understand how we weren’t given a personal invite and were merely told by my mum - he found this strange and slightly annoying - and we also didn’t even know the date until AFTER making our own travelling plans. If the hosts wanted to do things properly they would have asked for our numbers and passed on the party details etc.
3. he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things
4. He had initially said that he’s fine with me going and he’ll travel alone - then he changed his mind after thinking about it 🤔

I only wanted to go because I got really excited about it - but now I feel like I’m kind of being forced to do our travelling plans - is it that bad to change your mind?

Have you ACTUALLY been invited to the wedding? Very unusual for guests not to be invited by the bride and groom. Venturing into cf territory to just assume...

YABU it’s unfair to prioritise this wedding over your holiday. You don’t sound like you’re close to the couple, they didn’t bother sending you a personal invitation, your mum didn’t bother telling you the date, I can’t understand why this wedding is more important to you than going away with your husband.

I'd have thought it a bit odd to arrange travel plans during the same month that you had a wedding to go to without finding out the definite day the wedding was happening on, none of you thought to double check?

If you can't get a refund on your travel plans you now have to choose which one you want to attend, unfortunately it's an either or.

Are your travel plans flexible? It sounds as though there is a conversation you and your husband need to have (calmly) about your relationship with your Mum and how he feels it impacts the marriage - do you think he may have a point?

I think this type of verbal invite is normal for parent family friends - I would however send a breezy message to the friend saying you’re thrilled to hear you’re invited and just wanted to check timings if it was still okay to come

So you were expected to not make any plans for the whole of that month? This isn't a case of changing your mind, it's a case of you having something planned for that day.

I totally get why your husband is annoyed. He thinks he's going travelling but is asked to cancel in favour of Tom and Barbara's wedding party, when T&B couldn't be arsed to make the plans properly.

Well, my mum told me that the couple also wanted us to come too - so I just took my mum’s word for it. I don’t have their number because as I mentioned, we’re not close so it’s not really like I couldn’t get the wedding off my mind or anything, I just felt that initial excitement of going shopping for an outfit/hair/makeup etc 😭

I definitely see my husband’s point of view- this trip is very important to him and I was also looking forward to travel as a family. I just felt that he wouldn’t mind postponing it because we could technically travel any other time, but this wedding party is a one time occasion, if that makes sense.

I think YABU.

You're cancelling travel plans to go to the wedding of someone who you don't even have direct contact details for... nor have you received an invitation of your own. It's likely they felt pressured by their own parents to invite you and won't even notice you're not there.

You never got a proper invite. You weren't even told the date, only the month. By someone else. And you already have plans.

Your husband isn't being unreasonable.
And I bet the first the couple would know about your attendance is if you rock up!

Well, thankfully the hotel has mainly been reserved without payment (we intend to pay on arrival - we always do this in case plans change) so this motivated me to tell him about us cancelling and travelling on another occasion. But he’s not on board.

Has your mum rsvp on your behalf? Seems strange not to get an official invitation? Would you be going for the whole thing or just popping in for the evening bit? Or have they suggested you go to church to see the ceremony?

Yes our travel plans are flexible. The relationship with my mum/my marriage is a very deep topic that has caused a lot of drama in the past, so it’s something that’s not easy to revisit.

Would you lose money on your travel plans? Could you change to a date pretty soon after?

Sounds like there might be wider issues going on between your DH and your mum, OP. On the face of it it does sound like a bit of an overreaction on your DH's part but on this I think I am with him - you havent actually received an invitation to this wedding, have you? It's weird to assume you can go without one, just on your mum's say so, so that's the first thing to establish.

Well, it’s all a bit messy in my opinion. A few months ago we got told that the couple are having a wedding and that we were invited and that was it…we just totally forgot about it as we didn’t know the official date/time or anything…we don’t even know whether it’s an actual church wedding or register office etc

I think you shouldn't have booked the holiday while you knew the wedding was around that time.

I also think it's very odd that you haven't been invited by the actual b&g. I would go on the booked holiday.

In hindsight, I think we should have double checked before making the travel plans…and yes, there are (latent) wider issues going on between my mum and my husband, but that’s a story for another day.

well, I’m considering the holiday because I really don’t want to upset my husband.

We wouldn’t lose any money, so it’s not a done deal type of situation.

Omg 😂 that would be embarrassing

The couple are my parents’ age 😂

I am not sure you were invited to the wedding in the first place, I think your mum has either decided you are her plus 1 ( or plus 2 and let’s hope no one notices) or has coerced the hosts into letting you come. I don’t think they are going to be terribly upset if you contact them and say that unfortunately your mother didn’t let you know the specific date and you have a long term arrangement to go away already booked.

As in all things you stick to the first arrangement you made, which in this case is the trip.

In your first post you said

I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited

You've since said
we just totally forgot about it as we didn’t know the official date/time or anything…we don’t even know whether it’s an actual church wedding or register office etc

You don't actually sound that bothered about it. Given there's at least a 50/50 chance you're not actually invited and your mother is making up the non-existent invitation, go on the holiday.

I wouldn't turn up to a wedding without a formal invitation addressed to me. I think you should go on the holiday.

I'd be inclined to think you haven't actually been invited to the wedding because, well, you haven't!

I'd not prioritise the wedding of someone you don't really know, for which you haven't actually had an invite, over travel plans which are fixed, irrespective of how flexible the actual bookings may be.