Conflicted about two events coming up

[4C04]

Basically, there’s a wedding/party coming up and the hosts are family friends (as in, my parents’ friends so they knew me when I was younger/before I got married etc). I’m not really close with them but my mum told me that they’d also invited us (me/husband etc) to the wedding and it would be great for us to all go. I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited. We didn’t actually get a personal invite - it was merely my mum who gave us this info so I relied on this and told my husband who was also happy to go. We didn’t actually get told the date either just the month so we just carried on as normal and made our own plans to travel somewhere. So, my mum then tells me the date of the party and it happens to be the same date as our travelling plans. I initially wanted to go to the wedding party and thought my husband wouldn’t mind postponing our plans - but he’s not pleased at all for the following reasons:

1. he feels that me changing my mind has been heavily influenced by my mum.
2. he doesn’t understand how we weren’t given a personal invite and were merely told by my mum - he found this strange and slightly annoying - and we also didn’t even know the date until AFTER making our own travelling plans. If the hosts wanted to do things properly they would have asked for our numbers and passed on the party details etc.
3. he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things
4. He had initially said that he’s fine with me going and he’ll travel alone - then he changed his mind after thinking about it 🤔

I only wanted to go because I got really excited about it - but now I feel like I’m kind of being forced to do our travelling plans - is it that bad to change your mind?

And even if your mum was verbally asked to be maid of honour she was given details about timings and venue etc and then could have given those to you.

Alternatively this could be the most low key wedding ever. In which case your excitement about getting dressed up and a formal event would be completely out if place at a all invited, informal event

Dh is completely right

Your problem isn't a conflict about two events coming up, you're problem is the conflict you feel between your mum and your husband.

he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things@4C04

Yes to this. You need to start thinking and deciding things for yourself, not swayed or influenced by your mother or DH.

Your whole op is about what your mother says and thinks and what your DH says and thinks, the only indication of you is "in my interpretation"

Like other pp said your DM is probably overbearing, so it's hard to have your own thoughts and opinions.
Start seeing yourself as an individual and question yourself what you want, what you think etc

A birthday meal is a bit different though isn't it?

One extra seat at a rable at a restaurant where people book/pay for their meal at the time isn't quite the same as four uninvited/unexpected people (including two children) just rocking up a wedding with table/seating plans, catering/menus, table decorations, favours and whatever else people plan for at weddings.

A birthday meal at a local pub/restaurant is entirely different to a wedding!

No one is issuing casual invitations to a wedding formal or otherwise. You're either wanted and invited properly. Or you're not.

The only exception I can think of is if you were invited casually and last minute to the evening part. But then, I'd still be expected to be invited by the couple getting married; your mum wouldn't have asked you weeks/months in advance and I certainly wouldn't be cancelling a trip plus a party I had been invited to for a casual evening invite to a wedding that had come via a third party.

But... they went to her house akd they invited her.

They didn't go to your house akd they haven't invited you.

She has been invited by the couple. You haven't.

Well exactly. You feel.embarrased at the thought because you expect them to say no. Because you haven't been invited.

I do feel sorry for your husband. This must be incredibly frustrating for him. He must spend half his life incredulous at what you accept from your mum.

You say "Hi Mum, as you didn't tell us the dates of X and Y's wedding, we went ahead and booked a holiday and now they clash. We won't be going with you to the wedding after all. Hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding and take loads of photos for us so we can catch up when we get back".

No biggie. Because you don't appear to have ever turned your mother down for an event or something like this, I can understand why you might be finding it hard to find the words to tell her. Are you worried about her behaviour when you say that you're not going with her?? Is there something underlying your feelings/behaviour in saying that you won't be there this time??

I agree with this. The MoH (your mother OP) extended an invitation to someone else's wedding.

Can you imagine if any other MoH started having their own guest list to a wedding? "Sure Paddy & Anne, Mark & Sarah, John & Mary, you'll squeeze in there no worries. Don't worry about the Bride & Groom having their own invite list and table plan or anything - go right ahead and sit down and we'll cover your food and drinks etc. etc. etc."

Is your mother always extending invites to people to things that she isn't actually footing the bill of? Just because she's MoH it does not give her the right to invite anyone else to a wedding. Even her own family.

With all due respect @4C04 - there is a world of difference between inviting someone to a Birthday meal and inviting someone to a WEDDING!

Wedding guests, even evening reception guests, get an official invitation. Birthday meals can be organised on WhatsApp or by text (still an invitation but much less formal).

You got neither to this Wedding.

How are you finding this so difficult to grasp?

Nope.

You don't need to ask them, in an official or unofficial capacity. You didn't get an invite. End. Of. Story.

I don't know how your DH manages to deal with your indecisiveness and confusion on a regular basis. This is not a difficult concept to grasp.

To paraphrase the song from Tangled, in respect of your own mum @4C04, "Mother doesn't know best".

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a child-friendly wedding or not. Your children haven’t been invited. I am not sure that you or your mum understand the etiquette. You are married, so you must be aware that generally most weddings (at least, more formal weddings) will have specific place settings and table numbers. Where did you/your mum think you were all going to be seated? Going forward with it is best to assume no invitation = not invited.

Yabu. I’m with your OH.

You and your mum are both a bit flakey.

Your mum has decided her friends would like you at their wedding, but despite you not actually receiving an invitation or any communication from the hosts you've just accepted it as fact.

Tell your mum you've got holiday plans and go away with your husband.