Conflicted about two events coming up

[4C04]

Basically, there’s a wedding/party coming up and the hosts are family friends (as in, my parents’ friends so they knew me when I was younger/before I got married etc). I’m not really close with them but my mum told me that they’d also invited us (me/husband etc) to the wedding and it would be great for us to all go. I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited. We didn’t actually get a personal invite - it was merely my mum who gave us this info so I relied on this and told my husband who was also happy to go. We didn’t actually get told the date either just the month so we just carried on as normal and made our own plans to travel somewhere. So, my mum then tells me the date of the party and it happens to be the same date as our travelling plans. I initially wanted to go to the wedding party and thought my husband wouldn’t mind postponing our plans - but he’s not pleased at all for the following reasons:

1. he feels that me changing my mind has been heavily influenced by my mum.
2. he doesn’t understand how we weren’t given a personal invite and were merely told by my mum - he found this strange and slightly annoying - and we also didn’t even know the date until AFTER making our own travelling plans. If the hosts wanted to do things properly they would have asked for our numbers and passed on the party details etc.
3. he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things
4. He had initially said that he’s fine with me going and he’ll travel alone - then he changed his mind after thinking about it 🤔

I only wanted to go because I got really excited about it - but now I feel like I’m kind of being forced to do our travelling plans - is it that bad to change your mind?

I don’t think this is the case. I’m sure it’s not about making them “put up with it”.

I do struggle this with this , but I didn’t realise it. I do now.

Hang on, so is it your mum’s best friend who’s getting married?

Yes, her very good friend.

I do actually agree that your immediate family are now your DH and DC.

Your DM should learn that she no longer gets a say in how you choose to run your life, if she takes umpage that's for her to deal with.

Are you serious? He thinks he’s going on a lovely holiday with his wife, he comes home and she tells him that he has to go by himself because she’s off to the wedding of a vague acquaintance with her mum. Would you happily accept that if your DH cancelled going on holiday with you for the same reason?

Okay, the way that you’ve phrased this makes me see how wrong the situation is and how I should have stuck to my original plans

They can go another time. Ignore the phrasing of that, it's worded to make you feel bad OP. You can do what you prefer.

When is the wedding?

I agree it doesn't sound as if you are invited.

But I mean, you didn't even have a date for the wedding, just the month. How could you possibly have thought you were going? How could you mum have possibly thought you were going? You were just supposed to keep the entire month clear and wait for her summons?

Why didn't she tell you the date? I'd say that's the biggest clue that you're not invited and I think your mum knows it. When was it last mentioned?

Also how could you be excited about choosing an outfit etc when you don't even know where the wedding venue is, how formal / informal, inside / outside etc? And how could you be expected to organise a gift without knowing where it is?

Or organise childcare? Who was going to be looking after the kids if you and your husband and parents were at the wedding? Or did your mum tell you they were invited too?

Also you keep talking about "travelling" and "travel plans", but it sounds like it's just a hotel that's been booked? No transport? So sounds like you are just driving to a hotel? Which is why you've suggested to just change the date? Is it a family holiday or just you and husband? Who's looking after the kids and have you made arrangements for that?

Op I think that your mum is probably quite q dominating personality, and perhaps you don't realise. You are so just so used to doing something that your mum says you should do, you don't actually even think about it.

I'm sure that if someone else had said that you were invited to a wedding, but you didn't have an invitation or any details. You would just assume its a throw away comment and not think about it again.

However, because your mum said it you believe it must be fact.

So. Go on the holiday.

If your mum asks about the wedding you say.

"Yes I know that you are going to X wedding. We haven't been invited. We have received no invitation or details. We are going on holiday. Hope that you have a lovely time at the wedding. "

And then do not engage in any further conversation

I didn’t actually think about the practical side of things like childcare, I intended to take them with me to the wedding. In terms of travel plans, we planned to go to another city for a weekend away so there’s no plane tickets involved - just hotel bookings etc. we were also invited to another party in that city we’re travelling to so my husband really didn’t want to cancel with them after telling them we booked a hotel and we’re coming etc.

You are not invited to this wedding.

As time has gone by, I have started to realise this and have started to implement small boundaries here and there. For example, when my mum asks for help with something that I’m
genuinely unable to do due to busyness or exhaustion from work etc, I kindly say no and explain why. Before, I would have still gone ahead regardless of how I feel.

Omg.

So not only did you think that you were invited to a wedding that have no evidence that you are going to.

But you assumed that your children were invited to. So at least four people.

And then you were going to pull out of a party that you had actually been invited to, and booked a hotel for, for the non existent invitation.

Surely this is an absolute wind up now

This does seem to be the case. I’m trying to think about it from my point of view. If was doing an event I would ensure that people get an official invite. I wouldn’t invite people then tell those invitees that I wanted their relatives to come - I would simply contact those relatives and invite them. On the other hand, some people are very informal with these type of things. I have had a birthday meal in the past where a friend asked if she could bring a plus one and I agreed - I didn’t even know this person from Adam but I was happy with it. I’m the sort of person who is relaxed with this type of stuff so I assumed the hosts were the same perhaps.

Well, the hosts also have very young kids so I knew it was going to be child friendly wedding. It’s not a wind up, I believed my mum when she told me the hosts wanted us to come too and had no reason to doubt it. The comments on here have made me realise it’s a bit odd to be “invited” in this way without any tangible evidence of the arrangements.

You had transport booked and an invite you'd said yes to in the other city... and you'd sack that off for something you hadn't had an invite to?

I think in the future I'd recommend you actually think things through before saying yes immediately just to keep everyone happy.

A birthday meal is an entirely different kettle of fish from a wedding. Weddings involve immense organising and cost.

Surely you realised that there would be a proper invitation if you were actually invited

I don’t know what goes through my head sometimes😭😭

And it doesn't have to be a formal card invitation. An email. Even a WhatsApp message.

With the details.

• venue

-timings

• whether children are invited. Just because the brides children will be there doesn't mean other children are invited.
• gift list
• a process for rsvp with dietary requirements etc.

Because even if you have actually been invited. You haven't told anyone you can come, because you haven't rsvped and thus they won't know you are coming. Therefore no catering etc

How can you not understand that you arw not invited to that wedding? 😂😩

my mum said even she didn’t get like a “proper” invite on paper as in, a nicely designed one - they literally just went to her house and told her verbally and that she’d be maid of honour.

well, I won’t really know unless I officially ask them, but that would be embarrassing to ask someone if you’re invited to their wedding wouldn’t it? So I’m assuming that I wasn’t now.

Fair enough, this does make sense. It’s been a weird experience for sure.

I have been invited to a wedding of a friend of my daughter - knew her as she was growing up and latterly at grandkids' birthdays - similarity to your situation.
My daughter told me first so I could save the date, but I later got a proper invite as well.
I think partly invited so my daughter (bridesmaid) had someone there for her son and as she didn't know a lot there that well, but I was very pleased and thought it was lovely of the bride.
It was low key and much diy wedding locally (beautiful as well) but my invite definitely arrived and required an RSVP - for food and seat numbers (no set seating) I imagine and they will always be needed.
I do doubt the couple would be expecting you all there at the party part without an invite- maybe think you're going to just see your mum be bridesmaid (did you say?) at wherever official ceremony is taking place but not actually joining whole wedding if that makes sense.